I was driving up to Michfest last year and got all excited because I saw a cute fat girl with good hair in the line. I immediately told my friend in the car “I NEED to know that girl!”

As often happens to me, I already did. She turned around and it was Matie, a marvelous queer fat femme I’ve known for a few years. She’s one of those friends I have that I see only once or twice a year when I’m lucky, but it’s like nothing to pick back up with the antics and the heart sharing.

We were on a road trip to Camp Trans down the road to be in solidarity and hang out with our friends over there.

Towards the end of the week at Fest, Matie lead an impromptu Nudie workshop on the Twilight Zone where we both camp. She spread the word amongst the Zone neighborhood that she was going to lead the workshop and eight of us gathered in a screened porch off to the side of a field. A motley crew made up of all dykes but from pretty different social backgrounds. I think there were a couple of people I’d call hipster types, a couple of punk girls, a high femme fashionista (me), etc… Definitely not people I would think at first glance would go to something as lesbian seventies as a Nudie workshop, and even people I’d be sort of intimidated to befriend a few years ago before I became the gutsy social butterfly I am now.

The format of the workshop was simple, but ultimately very, very powerful. We all took off our clothes at the beginning and then stood up in a circle looking at one another. We took turns being the center of attention but stayed in the circle formation. The person whose turn it was would tell the group their name, and what they love about their body and what they struggled with. Then the group would go around and each person in turn would give a specific compliment to the person about their body. Then we would move on to the next person.

We were all in our 20s and 30s. We all had different kinds of bodies, fat, thin, in between, hairy in regular parts, hairy in different parts, shaved, unshaved, light, dark. It was amazing and definitely not the kind of thing you normally do with other queers in their 20s and 30s, when we’re all sort of wrapped in our cloak of cool. Aside from the naked part, it is also an unusual experience to be part of a lesbian consciousness raising group with a bunch of young queers.

It was the kind of thing that reminds me that everyone has body issues. Body policing comes in all forms and against every type of body. The work of body pride and body liberation is not just for fat people, it’s for everyone, because everyone has the right to love their bodies. People who are deemed “too skinny” get a different kind of body policing, but it still happens and it’s not okay.

It was amazing to be able to see and comment on the vast diversity of body types just between the eight of us. It’s astounding what nature can do with a body and seeing it, studying it for an hour, is really incredible. Even though Michfest is technically clothing optional, and on a sunny day lots of womyn run around without their shirts on, I never have. I only go naked in the group showers and even that was a big deal to overcome when I first started going to the festival. So it was in the spirit of that openness and in a moment of challenging myself to work on my freedom with my body without clever undergarments and my femme fashion to go to this workshop.

It’s also really powerful to tell stories about your body when you’re that exposed. It is vulnerable and transformative. I am grateful to Matie for being an amazing friend, but also for creating that safe and magical space.

Matie followed her dream to New Mexico to open a sex toy store (well, “sexuality resource center”, and you CAN shop online there). I profile her in the upcoming “Thinking Big” Episode of FemmeCast. You’ll hear that soon. I’ll be seeing her in August.

After a brief hiatus, FemmeCast returns with a minisode all about the sweet stuff (or the not so sweet stuff we turn into a good story)!!

Host Bevin Branlandingham is joined by Femme Shark Correspondent Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, hosting live from a road trip journey earlier this Spring.

Miasia tells her favorite story of street harassment, you can find her website and book her bellydancing at Miasia.org

Bevin relives a drunken adventure in search of an ice cream treat with FemmeCast Sexpert, Rachael, Femme Family NYC Madam of Hospitality Chris and The Gay Dr. Phil.

Bevin and Leah discuss “cotton candy pink sugar pussy brain” and how you can make it so finding love and good sex doesn’t mean losing yourself, your friendships and values to a content and cow-like existence.

What we’re listening to:

Gravy Train!!!, “All the Sweet Stuff”

Jill Sobule, “San Francisco”

Stay tuned for our next episode, Thinking Big! or A FemmeCast Guide to Courtship, coming soon!

Subscribe via Itunes

Subscribe via RSS

Stream it live in this magic pink widget doohickey or if you have to download it and take it home, right click here and select “save link as”.

Stream it live right here, scroll down in the widget to find Episode 8.5!!

To: Bevin
From: Someone on Myspace who lives in Idaho
Re: Question

Thanks so much for your time!

Hi [Name Omitted]! Thanks for getting in touch!

The first piece of advice I have for you is that community building only requires two or more people with a commonality, who get together to share it. So keep in mind that while you are one, as soon as you start making space for Femmes, they will join you!

I’m really happy to hear that you have found recognition of your Femmeness on the internet. It’s so hard to walk around in LGBT community and feel like you don’t belong. The first time I ever went to Michfest I felt like I was the worst lesbian ever, so alone and isolated because I didn’t know myself or have any language or touchstone to how I presented. In a sea of lesbians I felt like I looked straight. Of course, that was my own massive insecurity talking. There were lots of Femmes running around, I just didn’t know how to see them or identify with them.

The next year at Fest they started the Femme parade and it made all the difference to feeling included, represented and celebrated. Now it’s a huge, yearly event and while Femme isn’t the majority in the mainstream lesbian community, we’re certainly starting to stomp our stilettos and get noticed in lots of unlikely places.

That’s me at this past year’s Femme Parade with Emma Riot of the Miracle Whips (an LA based a queer femme performance troupe that works to promote models of progressive femininity, to create radical erotic possibilities, and to disrupt conventional notions of sexiness).

The nice part about the internet is that it makes it easier to facilitate community building. I’m a big believer, though, in taking community offline and IRL*. There’s no replacement for the magic that happens when you see yourself (or at least parts of yourself), in person, across a brunch table, in a meeting, at a coffeeshop, wherever you gather. And making that happen, as a community leader, is a gift you give yourself and other people.

You mentioned that pride is this weekend. My suggestion is to pick a meeting place, date and time (public spaces like coffee shops work best, especially for shy newcomers who may not feel confident enough to come to someone’s home) and make a flier. Do it really DIY, on a copier, instead of doing expensive postcards. At big pride events we are inundated with flashy corporate BS** that the homemade 1/4 page copy on hot pink paper will really stand out.

Say something like “Are you interested in starting a Boise chapter of the Femme Mafia? Come to this planning meeting and meet other Femmes!” I would then include the mission statement from the Femme Mafia Atlanta***, which is what Damien and I did when we started the Femme Family in NYC. It gives people an idea of what you’re trying to do and what it can look like. I also strongly advise against using exclusively the term “femme lesbian” because Femme is so much more than that, and the Femme Mafia in particular is inclusive of bisexual, queer, lesbian, dyke, etc… femmes of all genders.

So pass out those fliers, post in craig’s list Women for Women, let other places on the internet frequented by Femmes know about it (the Butch-Femme.com buletin boards are a great spot to find people looking for community). Post it on Facebook and Myspace and have friends of friends tell people. You are absolutely right, there are lots of Femmes out there.

At the meeting, make plans for what people are interested in organizing. Group attendance at events (like drag shows or bar nights) are fabulous and easy to put together. It took us 6 months but the Femme Family did a fabulous coming out party to great effect, and we got to dress exactly as fancy as we wanted to. And our Femme Poker nights (which are Femme only events) are our smallest attended events but perhaps the most meaningful.

My favorite quote about Femme invisibility is from Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha’s keynote address at the 2008 Femme Conference. “Femmes aren’t invisible. People just don’t know how to look.” Your job, starting a Femme Mafia chapter, is to teach them how to look!

What you need to know about the Femme Mafia main chapter is that right now it’s being run by Debby alone, who has to get through each chapter application. You can email her at femmemafia at gmail dot com for the application. But it will take a minute, so don’t let that stop you from starting a local Femme group in the meantime!

Me and some of the various current and former Femme Mafia leaders, L-R Debby, Angela, Rachael, Jen and me.

*In Real Life
**Though, Absolut, Suburu, etc… if you’re reading this I would love your sponsorship for my Pink RV tour. Get in touch, femmecast at gmail dot com.
***In the words of my bestie Rachael:

“At its most basic, the Femme Mafia is a progressive, edgy organization of self-identified femmes open to all genders that seeks to foster connections between femmes, reinforce femme identity and provide members with the occasion to bask in their own fierce fabulousness and the fabulousness of others. In a larger sense, it provides us with a sense of community, a forum for the examination of our identities, of how each of us fits in the community at large and of how we femmes as a group can make a place for ourselves. The organization also does a lot to counter the many misconceptions and preconceived notions about what a femme is and what a femme does and to show none of those assumptions are true all the time. Being at a Femme Mafia event and seeing Femme reflect back at you in so many different forms can be a challenging and transformative experience. It can also be addictive. I find that Femmes are hungry for it, and so am I. For me, Femme is an umbrella under which we find solace, and not an exclusionary or restrictive predetermined formula. Femme Mafia is reinforcement, it’s challenging, it’s celebration, it’s discussion and it’s fucking fun.”

If anyone reading this is in Boise and wants to be put in touch for organizing purposes, comment here and I’ll send your info along!

I have the following updates to the Queer Lexicography to present unto you.

The first, courtesy of Zuleikha Mahmood, co-founder of the Femme Sharks.

Critically underbanged. It’s a great alternative to the term “dry spell” but can also be used to describe Lesbian Bed Death and any really unsatisfying sex. She used it in a craig’s list ad of all places, to request that someone help her protest her state of being. It worked, too, she totally found her recent boo from it and is now contentedly well-banged.

I think it’s also important to use this term during times in which your critically underbanged status has more to to with your own choosiness than any lack of interest. I am not going to settle or have sex with people who I am ambivalent about. It’s nice in periods of critical underbangedness to have such a colorful turn of phrase to use.

The second, courtesy of Glenn Marla, Tranny Superstar and oft-contributor to FemmeCast.

Tragic. It’s an alternative to the term depression, since being depressed is such a sad word that means inaction. When you’re depressed you’re sitting around like a lump, but tragic is an action word. So next time someone asks you how you’re doing, instead of saying “depressed” you should say you’re “tragic”. I find it’s a great way to spur me to action and making art out of my sad feelings. (In fact, Mr. Marla, together with Silas Howard and Heather Acs, put together an amazing piece of theater called “Tragic Magic” which was all about taking really horrible things in their lives and turning them into beautiful art. It’s moving and wonderful and when they go on tour through the Pac Northwest, CA, etc… this summer you need to bring your friends. Fan them on the Book.)

Of course, sometimes you give into the depression for a little while and listen to some hardcore Tracy Chapman (Smoke and Ashes anyone?) and play Bejeweled Blitz over and over again.

Trampage. Brought to you courtesy of Ms. Cherry Poppins, head whatever of the Femme Mafia ATX.

Trampage is a great word to describe sleeping your way through a town. For example, “My recent trip to Austin was a total trampage, I hooked up in a boxcar, a gay bar, an abandoned theater, my friend’s couch and in a van.” That was not my trip, I’m just using it as an example. But if anyone wants to invite a Femme to ATX sometime for some abandoned theater action, I might be up for it.

Femme Date. This one is totally just so obvious it can’t be attributed. It’s awesome to ask someone out on a Femme Date. In this context I mean it as a platonic event that is ultimately constructed as a romantic date is, but without the bumbling, attraction questions or all of the other baggage of a regular date. It’s specifically designed for Femme bonding time.

I had a lovely Femme Date with Zoe last night, because I wanted some one on one time with her to find out about her recent Toronto trip to see her sweetie and try out a new restaurant in my neighborhood. It was marvelous. And tonight I had a wonderful Femme friend of mine ask me on a Femme Date because we’d never hung out one on one. It was wonderful, we went to a wine bar nearby and had a couple of glasses and some cheese and great conversation. She was very chivalrous and ordered for me and it was quite lovely.

If you’re somewhere and know a Femme you want to get to know better, I highly recommend asking her on a Femme Date. Or if you’re just hitting a dearth of romantic action, being romanced by a friend (or romancing a friend) in this kind of sweetly platonic way, is really a wonderful way to feel special intimacy. Also, when you are having lots of romantic regular kind of dates, you should still have Femme Dates to build community and have those wonderful special bonding moments that Femmes have together.

It’s a great way to have an adventure and do those fun things you do on creative dates (pull out a guide book for your home city and find something fun you’ve never done! explore a new restaurant! split a bottle of wine and hang out in your backyard!) with the addition of a Femme bonding focus. I also suggest Butches, Genderqueers and the Trans do it, too! More buddy time!

In other news, if you’re in and around NYC for Pride (Sunday, June 28, 2009) you should march with the Femme Family!! Meet at noon at 54th Street between 5th & 6th Aves. Look for our van! RSVP and keep track of updated info at our Facebook invite! All femmes and allies invited!

Oh my lord! What a week! Together with the other Madams of the Femme Family, we pulled off New York’s first ever Femme Pride week!

I feel so honored to be in a place and time where Femme is an identity to be celebrated and honored, and the breadth of Femme presentation is acknowledged and illustrated. I hope more and more as we do NYC Femme events that self-identified Femmes of all ages, ethnicities, abilities, fashion inclinations, backgrounds, sizes, etc… feel welcomed and want to be part of seeing the power of autonomous Femmes coming together.

Speaking of Femme was so full of light, love, power and intensity! Femme identified readers from throughout New York City and our special guest, Mira Bellweather, from Michigan, threw down once again at NYC’s feminist bookstore, Bluestockings.

Mira’s piece on superqueeroes and superhero identities was so great I am going to record it for FemmeCast, so stay tuned.

Felicia Luna Lemus was incredible, and you can pick up her books (that are so great!) at her website.

I did a piece I wrote about my deadbeat dad and will probably release on the podcast. I got one of the best compliments, from an artist whose work I respect and draw inspiration from, who said it was simultaneously funny and poignant and worked on both personal and broader levels. As I write more for stage, I’m trying to develop a style. Sort of a sarcastic Carrie Bradshaw with teeth and politics. I think Speaking of Femme works so well because clearly there are people who are hungry for the words and performance of Femmes as they explore their own gender/sexuality identity politics and also because Femme artists need a place where we can workshop our materials in a safe environment with other queer artists.*

My outfit for Speaking of Femme is my favorite summer halter dress (from Re/Dress) and a bouffant/ponytail inspired by Jacqueline from the Real Housewives of NJ. And Zoe, whose dress is from Re/Dress as well.

We had some in between events that celebrated Queer identity and Fat identity, to round out Femme Pride week, which I’ll separately blog.

The other Femme Family produced event was our coming out party. We were very intentional about the elements of the evening meeting with the mission of our organization. We wanted to have it facilitate conversation and community building, so we kept the dance music at house party level instead of “Omigod I can’t hear you” bar level. We wanted to preserve our current Femme history and show the breadth and depth of Femme presentation & Femme allies present, so we had a photobooth with a professional photographer and fabulous lighting. And we wanted to have a cabaret with Femme identified performers doing work that called into the room the incredible history and legacy of the transwarriors and Femmes that came before us.

We did the show at the Historic Stonewall Inn, where the Rebellion happened 40 years ago. If you see the neighborhood now, you know how much the West Village is losing the queer rebellious element. It was nice to bring in some of the queer flash that seems to have started segregating in Brooklyn.

I put together this slideshow that includes a lot of shots from the night and some video from the performance. Since Flickr is a bit picky about longer videos, there are two more videos of different performances from the Cabaret apart from the slideshow. I have to say, I was impressed at the big turnout** and the amazing hotness of the crowd. It illustrated that Femme comes in all kinds of packaging, and I look forward to proving that again and again and again.

Be sure to watch the videos… if only I had video editing software!

The photobooth was such a fun aspect of the night. I’m pasting a couple of my favorites here, but soon they’ll all be at our website.

Almost all of the Madams.

Almost all of the rest of the Madams. (And we want more! Wanna organize? Jump right in! Rachel did and she was our stage manager!)

Me and Jesse, one of the most well-dressed men I know. I interviewed him for Episode 10 of FemmeCast on courtship and butch fashion.

So if you are near NYC there is a vibrant Femme community happening right here! Community is fostered on the internet but it exists in real life!! If there’s something you want to see happen in NYC, join the Madams! If you want to have Femme community, come out!

And you can always start your own Queer Femme organization in your hometown! The Atlanta Femme Mafia exists to be the big sister chapter to help smaller chapters start! New chapters were just approved in Melbourne, Austin and someplace in the midwest!

*I’d love to create a queer femme writer’s group to workshop groups with, but you know. I do a lot of organizing and not as much working on stuff.
**The proceeds go to help the Femme Family have a “Love Your Body” themed entry into the NYC Pride Parade–so gaystream and bodyhating, generally.

First, an announcement. I go to Atlanta with some frequency, and I am thrilled to announce that I’ll be Femmeceeing the Femmes of Power launch party on July 10, 2009. 9PM at Bellissima . The ATL Femme Mafia and I are putting together a fierce and amazing line-up and I guarantee a Femme Fabulous weekend. Get your posse and plan your road trip!!

In other Queer Fat Femme news, The Gossip’s newest album is set to release on June 22, 2009! I’ve already got my g-cal notification set up!

I really love the Gossip’s music, but I will admit openly my giant heart on for Beth Ditto, the Queer Fat Femme lead singer. I was interviewed about her for the Lez Style Blog and I’ll just quote myself here since I’m a lazy blogger.

Bevin Branlandingham of FemmeCast told LezStyle that “in Beth Ditto…I saw an out, queer fat femme owning her sexuality and hotness and never apologizing for it. Seeing someone else do it who was younger than me only inspired me to hurry up and get through my fat shame and start making something of myself. As she’s gotten more media exposure, I’ve seen Beth challenge notions of ‘cute’, ‘pretty’ and ‘fashionable’ in really hysterical ways. She’s a brave and amazing artist.”

So if you don’t know who Beth Ditto is, familiarize yourself! I only lament that I didn’t keep the copy of On Our Backs that had the hot pictorial of her and her transfabulous BF doing it in a bathroom. That pictorial changed my life.

Via QPDX, I found this adorable infomercial explaining the title of the new album, Music for Men.

Here’s their first single for “Heavy Cross”, which is dance magic as far as I’m concerned. And if you click through the link to QPDX you’ll find a download of the song!

Damien called this photo the perfect greeting card for Happy Pride Month*! We took it outside the fabulous queer Brooklyn dance party “That’s My Jam” (same name as that FemmeCast episode) last weekend. The glorious part of my new apartment is that it is walking distance to this magic.

If you are anywhere near NYC this weekend, you NEED to make a trip! The Femme Family has been working really hard to prepare our first ever FEMME PRIDE WEEK! As the denmother of the queerscouts I’ve put together a little itinerary to make your week super fabulous and well-organized (I am a Capricorn).

It all starts on June 3! With our second Speaking of Femme event. The first one was amazing, powerful and inspirational. We’ve got an even bigger line-up and we’re really excited!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009 * New York City, NY
Speaking of Femme II
7-9PM* $5 suggested donation
Bluestockings: 172 Allen St.

Featured readers:
> Felicia Luna Lemus
> Leslie Freeman
> Heather Acs
> Judy Yu
> Najva Sol
> Mira Bellwether
> Amanda Krupman

Femmeceed by Co-Head Madams
Bevin Branlandingham [http://www.queerfatfemme.com]
and Damien Luxe
[http://www.axondluxe.com]

Friday, June 5th there are two amazing events worthy of your attention and party hopping.

First is a reading/book party for the launch of the new book Lessons from the Fatosphere.

It’s at Re/Dress, 109 Boerum Place, Brooklyn, NY.
6:30-8pm shopping, mingling + book buying/signing.
8pm reading
Post reading dance party! (There are fat go-go dancers.)
Free!

At 10PM I am moving on to the going away party/benefit for Slow Jams, a former vegan current ethical butcher (!) moving to Portland and the event is produced by his girlfriend, a queer femme from the Femme Family, and Axon D’Luxe is performing (my co-head madam of the Femme Family) as well as djed by a queer femme and there are bound to be lots of hotties dancing. It’s going to be a great event with great music.

Saturday, June 6, 2009 * New York City, NY
Femme Family Coming Out Party!
doors at 9:30p, show at 10p, dancing and mingling ’til 2a! $5-$10 sliding scale
The Historic Stonewall Inn, 53 Christopher St.

Pride kick off & coming out party for NYC’s newest queer femme + allies organization.

We’re reclaiming the space of the Stonewall Riots to celebrate and honor our Femme foremothers & transwarriors who fought for pride, justice and our right to be fabulous.

Fabulous cabaret performance, great music at a house party level perfect for dancing AND mingling (we’re being really intentional about making community & fun all at once). Signature cocktail: Glittertini! Dress: Footloose & fancy free!

www.femmefamily.com

Performers include:
Miasia, world class belly dancer! [http://www.miasia.org/]
Liza Deception, burlesque
Glenn Marla, Tranny Superstar [http://www.myspace.com/smulyan]
Heather Acs, Performance Art Wildflower
Axon D’Luxe, mixed media electrotext wordsmith [http://www.axondluxe.com/]
Bevin Branlandingham, Femmecee & Host of FemmeCast [http://www.queerfatfemme.com]
Maggie Crowley, The Femme Show [http://www.thefemmeshow.com]

AfroTitty & the Fierce Force go-go squad

MORE TBA!

DJ:
Shomi Noise

INTERACTIVE FEMME HISTORY PROJECT:

Bring a homemade poster and some copies providing a visual and textual history of your femme heroes to display & give away!

Sunday, June 7, 2009 * New York City, NY

Go have brunch at my newfound discovery, Cheryl’s Global Soul. Chris and I don’t know for sure if she’s “family” but she is nice to look at from a brunch table.

*I am always a really big fan of June in NYC. With the killer combo of the weather warming up, perpetual students finishing their finals and the flurry of pride festivals beginning, there’s never a dull weekend. I’m a girl who loves to travel but I rarely dream of leaving NYC during June.

Right now I’m on Gaycation with my Bestie Rachael (The founder of Femme Mafia International and FemmeCast’s Sexpert), which basically means I get a cheap flight to Atlanta and come live down here for a few days, going to parties and living life cheaper than in the Big Apple. Plus I love the South with a great passion.

One of the nicest things about Atlanta is that socializing is fundamentally different. I find in NYC we’re all so busy and it takes so long to get from one part of one borough to another that we tend to meet one another at events and restaurants instead of loafing around in our apartments being casual and relaxed. Plus our apartments are pretty small. In Atlanta they have big houses that cost less to rent per month than my 2 bedroom apartment.

Me, Rachael and our friend Angela during a dirty south bar crawl (through all the dirtiest gay bars in Atlanta).

Since I don’t have TV at my house, I binge on BS tv when I’m gaycationing with Rachael, cozied up in her king size bed. Last time I was here she introduced me to the Real Housewives of Atlanta*. This time I discovered the magic of the BBC documentary Should I Smoke Dope? It is hysterical watching this reporter get high for thirty days and try to record it for posterity. “I don’t want to eat the crisps but then I wake up and I’ve had four bags and a chocolate cake!”

Part of the joy of not watching TV regularly is not being exposed to commercials, and especially diet commercials. I have now seen this new Weight Watchers ad campaign** about Hunger as a cute fuzzy monster plush doll. It’s as though Hunger is a Muppet. He even tap dances like he’s on a vaudeville stage.

The concept of the commercials is that these women (and only women) ignore/defeat their Hunger, despite the fact that he’s hella cute and chilling in the vending machine at work. However, I think Hunger is totally awesome and I want to take him with me everywhere and make sure he gets chorizo when he needs it.

I introduced the concept of the fattest thing you did all day in FemmeCast episode 3.5. In brief, last summer Glenn Marla came up with the brilliant idea that fat people (and fat allies) should start cataloging the fattest thing they do every day***. It’s a great way to train yourself to relearn fat as a good, positive and fun thing instead of the mean, crappy word it usually is. I also like to use humor to gain some power/control over oppression and it’s fun to joke about oppression with your other fat and fat ally friends.

The fattest thing I did today was try to go into a Weight Watchers (clinic? meeting space? storefront? what are they called in strip malls?) so that I could see if they had Hunger plush dolls. They did, but they weren’t open, sadly. I totally want to have one to bring with me to restaurants and take photos with, doing lots of creative things with Hunger. And also maybe have one with a squeaker inside for Macy, my Shih Tzu, to play with.

Not that I’m saying hunger is a good thing, I’m just much more likely to want to have fun with it in order to make fun of the diet industry. I think instead of trying to fight hunger, you should try listening to your body and what kind of information your hunger is giving you. And let it give you a good show when it is tap dancing.

*My favorite quote from that series is “Have you ever seen such beautiful feet on a man? I am fifty years old, have you EVER seen such beautiful feet on a man??” That series is delightful.

**I also really like the F-Word write-up about the Hunger campaign and Janeane Garafalo’s schilling WW.

***This also works with other identities. To celebrate queer femme identity, I like to have all of the Femme Family Madams do a go around before each meeting answering the question “What’s the Femmest thing you’ve done today?” Today Madam of Southern Glam, Amanda, tweeted “femmest thing i did today: use a power sander on my newly purchased antique makeup vanity.” That’s my favorite answer so far.

TO: Bevin
FROM: Sarah
RE: I know you don’t write an advice column, but…!

It would be awesome if I could get your perspective on this issue, but I know you’re busy. Thanks for creating something as positive and amazing as Femmecast. It helped me through a tremendously crappy breakup and continues to infuse my days with femme magic.

Oh Sarah! Though I do not technically write an advice column, I totally would if even one publisher gave me the chance.

This is a pretty intense situation, but I think first we need to step outside the direct issue and look a little bit at fat oppression.

Fat oppression is insidious. It’s the kind of thing that affects everyone intensely in ways they are rarely aware of. Mainstream media teaches us that fat is aesthetically and sexually undesirable and the rhetoric around the obesity epidemic will teach you that fat = death. Like many other kinds of oppression, fat oppression is fear-based. But rather than just being afraid of fat people, often thin people get freaked out by fatties because they are afraid, themselves, of becoming fat.

Oppression also acts as a way that people get power and control over other people using social constructions. People actively engaging in fat hatred are using the arbitrariness of body size to get a sense of power over fat people and also over the fear they have of getting fat. Though of course, I doubt the people in that internet group have ever discussed the arbitrariness of the line between thin and fat the way fat activists have.

In the first episode of FemmeCast Zoe talked about how some fat activists say things like “Fat is the last acceptable oppression”. This is completely untrue, because racism, sexism, homophobia, etc… is alive and well. Now, just because someone hasn’t said anything to you about being racist or homophobic doesn’t mean that they aren’t, it just means they’ve learned to use coded language and aren’t as out about it. There are totally internet groups for those kinds of phobias, too, just not likely as closely associated to social networking profiles like you’ve found with this girl.

Since you asked what I would do, I’ll answer that part first. Given my understanding of oppression and acts of hatred to be fear-based and power-seeking, I don’t engage in it. Sure, it would really suck for me to be in a situation where someone was being vocally fat hating (or gay hating, misogynist, femmephobic, queerphobic), but at the same time I find it a really comforting coping mechanism to remember at all times that no one has any power I don’t give them and that fear makes people weak.

I also tend to be a bit of a Pollyanna about people. I know that people change. And I do believe that just by being a fierce at home in my skin fat girl I make a difference. In fact, I know I’ve changed people’s hearts and minds about fat oppression by just being who I am.

I also model the behavior I want to see, which is fat accepting and loving. This is totally just part of my personality now, but it took a lot of conscious effort for me to move into the kind of person who uses fat positive language and behavior. I also use a lot of humor in my activism, and my daily parlance, which I think tends to break down people’s barriers. So while I am sure there are acquaintances of mine who are fatphobic (skinny and fat alike) I think they also know better than to say anything fatphobic to me or around me. I also am pretty intolerant of racist, transphobic, antisemitic (and other oppression) remarks and will call people out, gently and with humor.

And on a Pollyanna note, it may be possible that the acquaintance you’re talking about isn’t a fat hater. I mean, there are lots of times I’ve joined weird online communities I have no affinity or affiliation with to look for a girl I have a crush on or to read a particularly salacious string of e-dramaz or whatever and then completely forgotten I was a member of them. (Or, for that matter, old personal ad profiles I had forgotten about–I was only single for 6 weeks in 2005 and somehow I left a profile dangling until LAST WEEK. I don’t know whether to be more mortified that I had an old profile or that no one responded to it in 3.5 years.)

But, if it is true, and she’s a flag bearing member of this community and is actively engaging in fatphobic stuff, well, that gives you all the information you need to know about her to rule her out as a friend or someone to be trusted. And nothing says you have to be friends with her.

Further, just because someone is a fat hater it doesn’t mean that they are actively hating on you. It’s a lot easier to be mean to people on the street (like the street harassment you talked about) than it is to say something to someone’s face when there might be social consequences. Further, she may not even be that actively conscious of her fatphobia while interacting with you. But ultimately, there’s no telling what is going on in her head when she’s around you and frankly IT DOESN’T MATTER. What matters is what is going on in your head, because you have all the power and control over how you act.

So, given all that, I have some practical advice for you. I tend to feel the way you describe (sort of panicky and awkward if I’m reading you right) when I’m going to be in social situations with people I have emotional issues with. Former friends I’ve had falling outs with or ex lovers, particularly. A practical way of dealing with this situation, is to just be as fabulous as you can muster. Nothing eases yourself into a new or awkward social situation like a good wing-femme or femmetourage and a fabulous outfit. I would also just practice your winningest smile. It’s really disarming to people when you smile at them and compliment them. Model the behavior you want to see, which is detached positivity.

Just because you’re friendly to someone doesn’t mean you condone all of their behaviors, values and judgments. How can you possibly have that kind of queer dossier* on someone already? Further, there are so many moral turpitudes in the queer community, if we were to be unfriendly to everyone we knew who had done something bad, well, every queer event would be absolutely unbearable. Being friendly and positive is easier than being bitchy and mean, and it makes everyone have a better time. You don’t need to become BFF with everyone, but having a smile for people isn’t anything more than just adding to the positive energy of an event.

Thanks, also, for your kind words about FemmeCast. I’m trying to get the next minisode done soon!

I hope everything works out! Let me know what happens!

xoxoxox,

Bevin

*That’s a phrase I learned from my friend Bryn, which describes that method by which you remember all the nitty gritty details of people, whether or not you know them. Used in a sentence “I don’t know that person very well, but my queer dossier is full of her indiscretions and she’s had a lot of messy break-ups.”

I finally have the internet again! I’m in my new place, greatly relieved to be reunited with my stuff, have my Muppet Pets settled in and be slowly but surely creating a space that is the sort of sanctuary I haven’t had in quite some time!

Yesterday was International No Diet Day. I had a sort of social hiatus during my move so that I could focus on the things that needed to get done and was relieved to celebrate the end of that and the beginning of a fabulous summer outdoor season with a BBQ at my friends’ Deb and Anne’s place. They have a gorgeous backyard which is perfect for parties.

We’ve been having an insane amount of rain in Brooklyn, but it stopped for the afternoon–just long enough to enjoy the BBQ and the company.

My look was a little bit Serial Mom. I’m loving my collared cotton wrap dresses these days. Also featured are Bryn and Taueret. Taureret is raising money for her Fierce, Fat and Fly for Queers for Economic Justice amazing race adventure.

We celebrated bodies in all of their forms, but mostly just by being together and goofing off. This is Loren offering me a ticket to the Gun Show.

Golda of Body Love Wellness posted a great list of 16 Reasons Not to Diet for INDD and joined us for the festivities. The picture I got of her wasn’t great, so I won’t post it. But imagine her among these lovelies.

My friend Eden in a vintage, flowing frock.

Deb’s fabulous slip dress layering. Over jeans with a comfy sweater. An important reminder that you can easily keep wearing slip dresses and lingerie in all sorts of weather!

Muse brought 30 gourmet cupcakes, which I delightfully distributed to our crowd of about 25-30 folks.

This BBQ was a great example of my favorite kind of activism. A fun, easygoing celebration of people, bodies, and friendship with the addition of cupcakes, chicken wings and champagne punch.

What did you do for INDD?