The chanteuse Whitney Elizabeth Houston sang in the parable The Greatest Love of All that learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. But how?
You can read the archives of this blog to watch my work in the relentless pursuit of my joy. Our capacity to love directly affects how much joy we can experience and how much we can love other people.
Humans need to experience deep unconditional love before they can offer it to themselves. For those of us raised in survival mode with lots of trauma and drama outside of our control, that can be hard for our caregivers to access and offer.
Rachael’s lavish love and devotion has shown me I am worthy of so much love, grace and support.
2019 driving to the Glowing Goddess Getaway Couples retreat! My former fiance and I were scheduled to lead a workshop and when she broke up with me Rach immediately offered fly out from Atlanta to fill in. I had WAY MORE FUN with Rach than I would have with my ex. Normalize bringing your besties on retreat and nurturing your intimacy!
Rachael and I “met” in 2002. We both had Diaryland diaries. This is the stone age of blogging but it was a great way to make friends. Before social media made it all about pictures and a hilight reel folks were sharing their stories and connecting through the good and the hard. We immediately recognized ourselves in one another.
Being queer and femme in a white heteropatriarchy that privileges straight normative stories feels like an outsider. Seeing another femme out there who also was performing and exploring and dating and figuring out early adulthood (we were 23 and 21) was super validating. We were instantly connected and conversing.
Rachael is a Taurus with a Capricorn Rising and Virgo Mars–she can create anything she puts her mind to. In response to Femme bullying at queer bars in Atlanta she founded the Femme Mafia. The best kind of community leaders are like Rachael–willing to serve but not desiring power.
Rach is such a great leader, like me she has a Saturn in Virgo and does not put up with bullshit or malicious gossip. When organizing women, femmes, or anyone socialized in a patriarchy we are raised to compete with each other–solidarity is a must.
She invited me down to femmecee the first ever Femme Mafia Masquerade. She’s a great example of getting femmes paid (solidarity!!) and it was a joy to visit Atlanta for the very first time. My favorite brunch spot in the whole wide world is Ria’s Bluebird and Rach sent me and my travel companions from my drag king troupe there; we went back twice we loved it so much. Rachael does not fuck around about good food!
I started visiting Atlanta regularly and when I was at the height of my lawyer salary and could afford monthly plane tickets. I started calling Atlanta my “hometown of choice” because in my 20s and early 30a visiting my actual hometown was incredibly emotionally painful. Even now I would choose a trip to Atlanta over a trip to the Bay Area 100% of the time.
She helped pick me up after every break-up, and always has great advice and wisdom. She’s always known she was polyamorous and has seen and experienced a lot.
One time when I was talking to her about my love life she said “Choose the one who is choosing you” and I remember that so clearly, I made some life changing decisions based on that!
So many of my good ideas and wisdom on this blog come from her. She is a river not a reservoir with wisdom and generosity.
She is a two state Regular of Fat Kid Dance Party Aerobics. She has attended classes in multiple states, she’s an On Demand subscriber and has believed in this since before the beginning. I have thousands of friends but not that many of them have even attended my class once. FKDP is my life’s work and feels like a child of mine. It matters to me that people who love me really see me fully and what I’m capable of. Rachael does and has and continues to.
My favorite leadership author John C Maxwell says that if you’re not losing friends you’re not growing. Very few people are capable of the elasticity of love that allows folks to grow alongside one another. Rachael is and does. She’s been poly since she was 19 and she has considered me part of her polycule and a great love of hers. She romances me! We romance each other! Even though we don’t make out!
Please understand the value of friendship and intimacy and connection beyond the colonialist currency of sexual connection! Isolating intimacy to one person in sexual monogamy creates scarcity that benefits the system of power and control perpetuated by the nation state.
I don’t drink anymore and my party girl days have transitioned to partying for a purpose or for self care, but wow when I was doing that stuff we had some fun tearing up the town. Atlanta is an amazing place to party. Better than Vegas!!
Rach is the queen of comfy mountain, able to create a lounge spot wherever she needs to. Soft cuddly blankets, dogs and loved ones near, excellent snacks and beverages. She knows herself well enough that she needs to get home to recharge and she makes that choice. I’ve grown into that kind of self awareness and I’m grateful for her example!!
Today is her birthday and I am so incredibly grateful to love and be loved by her. I really hope we get to live to a very old age and look as good as we continue to and continue to grow and have more fun all the time! I love you, I miss you and I can’t wait to reunite this year somehow someway!!
Normalize eulogizing your friends while they are still on the earth plane with you!
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