The relentless pursuit of my joy.

Of all my accomplishments, staying alive this whole time is the one that has required the most strength and endurance. I'm proud. I hope my tools inspire you to curate your tool box.

more hard conversations I know how important developing the skills to have those conversations is to creating a life worth living. A script makes that easier!

The Glowing Goddess Getaway is a cannabis wellness community centered around five high standards: Self Love, Empathy, Inclusivity, Good Fun, and Mindfulness.

The first time I had to make the decision to euthanize a pet was a swirl of self-doubt. I was still pretty …

If there is one lesson I could teach the 27 year old Bevin that began this blog it’s the distinction between courtship and dating.

Recently on my podcast I've been intentionally connecting with women who use psilocybin for their mental and physical well-being. I put together this treasure map in case that is something you're considering using to help improve your experience of life.

We are using our imaginations to come up with worst case scenarios when we worry. Simultaneously we are flooding our body with chemicals that harm our immune system and cause disease.

When I find myself worrying I like to antidote it by coming up with five good things that are possible. Training the brain against those tendencies to catastrophize.

I want to encourage you to make your garden plan. Even if it's your fire escape, the piece of dirt between your sidewalk and street, wherever you can. Get curious & creative!

Consider planting more than you need. Plant even more than you think you have capacity for and between now and harvest(s) keep your ears out for ways to be generous.

Here's the boundary I use:

I'm being cautious.

That's it! "Do you want to hang out with me inside?"

"Sorry, outdoor only for me--I'm being cautious."

It’s suicide prevention awareness month so content warning: suicide. 

I thought I would post a series of posts with tools that help me when I have suicidal thoughts. This is just from my perspective, please simply take what you like and leave the rest. If you’re feeling suicidal and want someone to talk to here’s a list of lots of hotlines in lots of countries for all types of people. I encourage you to go to a nonprofit org over the government phone number.

Hi! I’m Bevin! I want to be a good influence on you. Of all my accomplishments, staying alive this whole time is the one that has required the most strength and endurance. I’m proud. I hope my tools inspire you to curate your tool box.

I have felt really hesitant to post about this. Talking about being suicidal is vulnerable. I’m afraid I’ll “get it wrong” or use “wrong” language. I sometimes feel like a failure for having mental health challenges, like I “should” have it all together. But I don’t. 

In 43 years I’ve survived 100% of my hardest days and my most difficult thoughts. So maybe I have something that I’ve done that will help someone out there. I’m posting this for you, that someone, sometime who might need to remember to find this post.

I hope the robots help you find this post again by plugging in “Bevin suicide impulse control” into the machine.

Another reason for this post is my friends who don’t know what it’s like to be suicidal. Here’s some of my experience.

I’m starting with impulse control because I think these are the tools that help most. If I can wait out the impulse I can address the conditions of whatever spiral I’m in and trudge out of the bog of stench.

Bog of Eternal Stench from the Labrynth. It’s more fun to think of my depression and dark thoughts in a Muppety way.

I have had suicidal thoughts thousands of times. I’ve had plans in the works dozens of times. I haven’t had an attempt since my early 20s. 

The thoughts are the big warning flag for me, they tend to come in clusters while I’m working on whatever is getting released for me at the time. 

The more work I do in therapy, the more radical honesty I practice with my therapist, coaches and close friends, the more I feel accountable to creating a life that centers my mental health.

After surviving dozens of my friends ending their lives via suicide I have made pacts with fellow surviving friends not to go that route. 

The best way I’ve figured out how to do it is lots of lifestyle support (prevention is the best medicine) but with strong impulse control.

My neurodivergent brain loves to play games, so I have rules. I can’t entertain thoughts of suicide without checking my list of impulse control.

There’s a certain level of strength I’ve developed as a result of surviving my worst days. When I’m going through suicidal thoughts it feels like I’m holding open the jaws of a lion over my head. 

If I can just hold on a little longer eventually the lion retreats and her hot breath isn’t making my world so muggy.

Strategy One: Flood My Thoughts with Supportive Audio

One of my best impulse control strategies is flooding my mind with input that supports my worthiness. I have two audio books and one podcast that helps me, depending on where I’m at. I would suggest you figure out what books will work for you. Either of these books I’ll pop into wherever I left off.

Tears to Triumph by Marianne Williamson. It’s a great book that helps reframe the bog of stench thoughts and remind me of my worthiness.

Life Visioning by Michael Bernard Beckwith. Lots of guided meditations in this book and philosophy that reminds me that I’m a creator of my own experience. A lot of my feelings of uncertainty spiral into bog of stench thoughts and when I can connect firmly to possibilities mindset I can start to climb out.

Joel Osteen’s podcast. For me, his relentlessly positive attitude and mindset helps a lot. In 2019 when I was suicidal more days than I was not, I would listen to a dozen of his podcasts in a day. 

Strategy Two: Making Deals with God. Just like Kate Bush.

A lot of my suicidal thoughts come from frustration or despair about results in my life. Being an entrepreneur will stretch you to new limits of sacrifice and force an intense amount of belief. Another knot on the end of the rope has been demanded many times from me and my brain.

It’s kind of a prayer/threat to God like “I need this to change that outside my control and I’ll give you this behavior/production in exchange.” This isn’t a way I talk to God in my normal state but I know God’s a true bestie who can take my exasperation. 

The behavior helps me have something to do that’s in my control, and allows God to be in control of the results. I’m aware this is how it always is but sometimes when I’m deep in suicidal thoughts I need to feel like God’s accountable to me. LOL.

Recently, I was spiraling and knew I needed things to be “different by my birthday.” The thought of my third pandemic birthday coming made me freak out about everything. I found the thought “I have nothing on the calendar to look forward to” a mantra that got frozen in a loop. 

I felt really really bad for a couple of weeks. But I also knew I have at least 50 blog posts in the queue I haven’t yet written and needed to get them out before I exit this existence. Plus I haven’t read any James Baldwin novels and that’s certainly worth hanging around on Earth for.

It was a simple deal with God that helped me hang on until I made a couple of plans that made my calendar feel less doom and gloom and the relentless thoughts subsided.

I’m listening to Giovanni’s Room at night and it’s nice to be in queer Paris in the 1950s. Pre AIDS pandemic, pre-covid, pre-monkey pox. It’s hard to be in this world but not of this world.

Other than my close friends, creating art and consuming art are the two most important things worth living for. I’m glad I found another knot to tie at the end of the rope.

Strategy Three: It’s a Wonderful Life

My beloved step mother Liz died of a heart attack after taking fen/phen when she was only 48 years old. I promised myself at 19 when she died that if I was ever taking action on suicidal thoughts I had to watch her favorite Christmas movie first. It’s a Wonderful Life. Sometimes I’m praying to connect to my Clarence when the thoughts are hardest.

Post Game

It’s not age that creates wisdom, it’s evaluated experience. I may feel like a failure because I keep having mental health spirals, but I am committed to failing forward and always learning. (And reframing how I feel about failure–I know that’s capitalist programming.)

I ask myself what I learned. It helps me create more tools and strategies to help.

Something I realized in my post game from this go around with the dark voices, is that objectively right now I have my dream job. I genuinely love what I do for a living and I love my boss (all my Fat Kid Dance Party clients are my boss)!

And yet! I’m sure at some point in my life I believed “when I have my dream job I won’t feel like this” but mental health stuff is an everywhere you go there you are type of situation. I still experience it!

I had a full plan going on while I was engaged to a person I believed at the time was the love of my life. Even though when I was a teen and I felt totally unloveable and perhaps someday when I was “chosen” by someone to be loved I wouldn’t feel that way.

The voices don’t play. It’s an ancient force coming out to take me down. But I genuinely believe I’m connected to a stronger force, the strongest in the universe which is God’s love. I don’t always remember how strong that is or how strong I am when it’s the hardest, but it’s always been worth it to tie another knot at the end of the rope.

Every heart should make peace not with its moods, but rather with the permanent and absolute amateurism that comes with feeling your way through the nascence of what’s next.

Richard Morgan

More soon.


If you find value in this blog or in my work in the world, please consider supporting! It costs me nearly $300 a year just to keep this blog and archives running! I want this resource to continue to help!

Patreon.com/fkdp
NEW Tee shirts: https://genuinevalentine.com/collections/fat-kid-dance-party
Buy me a Coffee:
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bevin
Venmo: @bevinb
Cash App: $BevinBoss
Amazon Wishlist: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1SJCL864DDKEH?ref_=wl_share

Bevin on Instagram:
Instagram.com/bevinsparty
You Tube Channel:
https://www.youtube.com/c/SelfCareParty
Email list: http://eepurl.com/dyX3db

Buy anything on Amazon using this link to go to their website and I make a 3% commission on anything you buy! Costs nothing extra to you and cuts into that “astronaut’s” profits just a lil bit. https://amzn.to/2PQ52A9

One of the most popular blog posts I’ve ever written was Nobody Ever Died of Akward–all about getting through the emotional hurdles of risking vulnerability to ask someone out.

Asking people out is simply a willingness to have hard conversations. Now that I’ve had a heck of a lot more hard conversations I know how important developing the skills to have those conversations is to creating a life worth living. 

Hi! I’m Bevin & I want to be a good influence on you! Have the hard conversation! The truth will set you free from your stress about the hard conversation!

Something that helped me a lot back in my active dating days* was having a script! My Gay BFF used this when he was dating, shared it with me and I LOVE it for two reasons. 

One, having a script gives me a framework for vulnerability which is fabulous for a Capricorn. (Or anyone who struggles with facing rejection.) 

Two, this script is simultaneously sincere and ridiculous and in a dating relationship I am both of those in equal measure. Might as well weed out the folks who aren’t receptive to that on the front end.

The script is oddly formal. Since I met my BFF in law school** we both communicate in a hilariously formal way and so this script might NOT be for you. I encourage you to play with it and make it your own!

The basic premise is that you’re reaching out to someone to find out the best possible way to ask them out. It’s kind of like asking consent to ask them out while also addressing it sincerely with humor. You’ll propose three options and customize them to your connection with that person. 

I tend to default to Option 1: Direct Option 2: Indirect Option 3: Wild card. 

Option 3 sometimes is an invitation for them to ask me out if that’s what they prefer. (I tend to be attracted to people with a dominant/big personality and dominance 4 dominance begins with an opening for them to take the lead; even though, by sending this email, I’ve already taken a lead.) 

Customizing this is key–use the connection you have already to think through how this person might want to be asked out.

In 2008 I went to Toronto for New Year’s Eve and I left Toronto in 2009 in love. Photo copyright Tanja Tiziana.

I had 100% success rate using this script; if the success is knowing whether that person wants to go out with me and complimenting them. Everyone who got this script from me was clearly flattered and several times I ended up falling in love or getting laid or a little of both. 

One time the response of the person clearly indicated to me they were NOT someone I wanted to date! (It was along the lines of “Because you don’t share an eating disorder with me and you are fat and happy I can’t date you.” That story is for a memoir.)

I wanted to include one of my correspondences as a reference and example. Since my ex-lover Luscious went to be with the Goddess twelve years ago already (!!) I feel I am at liberty to share her words. 

Wow, was this relationship worth getting out of my comfort zone and asking her to make out. A little background: we met at a conference we both attended annually and her Facebook relationship status was “in an open relationship.” For the three years I’d known her I thought she was polyamorously coupled.

Dear Luscious:

As you may recall, [my besties] and myself are coming to Toronto for New Year’s Eve.  We will arrive late evening December 28 and are planning to leave on Jan 1st.  Our exact plans are not yet finalized.  So far we know the following:

We are staying with our friend [a mutual she knew].  

We’re going to a spa called Body Blitz.

On NYE so far 2 parties have been proposed, including Goodhandy’s.

Everyone we have talked to tells us we should go to your restaurant for brunch [she was a chef]. We want to come for brunch AND dinner.

Luscious, you said yourself that you make the best fried chicken ever, and I’m ready to put that to the test.  Would you be so kind as to let me know which dates you are working so that we can plan to be at Disgraceland (love the name so much) when you are cooking so that I can have fried chicken made from your hands?

And also, speaking of your hands, I am trying to figure out the best way to ask you if you would like to make out with me while I’m in Toronto.  These things are tricky since people’s open relationships sometimes require pre-negotiation and all of that, so I am trying to think of the best strategy by which you will say “yes, Bevin, I totally want to make out with you” and bounds of your non-monogamy arrangement can be honored and adhered to.

I’ve come up with three possible ways in which I can ask you, and would like for you to let me know which one is going to be the most effective.

A. The direct approach. “Hey, Luscious, are you interested in making out with me while I’m in Toronto? I’ve thought you were totally foxy for literally years and am generally too shy in person to say anything.” 

B. The indirect approach. “My bestie just looked up the weather in Toronto for NYE and it looks like it is going to be -14 degrees in real feel temp and I am totally going to be looking for really creative ways of keeping warm. Luscious I have over 20 flavors of lip gloss and am wondering what your favorite flavor is?”

C. The cheesy pick-up line. “Luscious, do your lips live up to your name?”

So think over those and let me know which one will work best.

Also, let me know when you work so we can set up our trip to Disgraceland.

Looking forward to Toronto, despite the crazy ass freezing weather!!

xoxox,

Bevin

Trying to have a date while around drunk friends at a New Year’s Eve party!

The reply, oh the wait for the reply, is the sweet torture of putting something like this out there in writing. It was less than a couple of days but in barely 30 year old Bevin time felt like YEARS.

Dear Bevin;

Thank you for your message. Toronto is looking forward to seeing you, [and your besties].

Tuesday night seems to work best for me. My hands are ready to make you fried chicken and my lips are ready for what ever you like!

See you soon!

Lushy xo.

Success! There’s so much I would revise about how that relationship progressed! Hindsight is 20/20 and I’ve studied so much about communication and relational intelligence. But I’m glad I tried! And I miss her! 

She sent me home from our second date with deviled eggs and a copy of her friend’s amazing CD*** that lived in my car until I stopped having a CD player. I’m listening to again right now and continue to enjoy! In my later years I realize now how crucial music has been to my intimacy with people and so grateful for all the intimacy me & Lushy had together. 

Photo copyright Tanja Tiziana! The lead singer of Dance Yourself to Death is next to Lushy on the couch. How special this memory is, thank you to all the awesome queer photographers who have documented moments of queer connection! We just don’t know how long we get to have with our loved ones.

Okay, you’ve got the script! Now go battle insecurity and ask that person out! Hard conversations are worth it! The time to have them is now! Perhaps after a meal and a night’s sleep.

*I’m not likely to need this script again so I wanted to give it to folks who are more actively dating.

**You know, if six figures of law school debt was worth something enduring it’s this friendship! So grateful for you, BFF! (He asked that I not use his name in this post because he’s now an International Businessperson™.)

***CD stands for compact disc and it used to be how we played music before bluetooth and Spotify. A good CD is “no skips” and “heavy repeat.”

Want a Nobody Ever Died of Awkward tee shirt? It’s here in my tee shirt store! Many color options, tank tops and hoodies!


If you find value in this blog or in my work in the world, please consider supporting! It costs me nearly $300 a year just to keep this blog and archives running!

Patreon.com/fkdp
NEW Tee shirts: https://genuinevalentine.com/collections/fat-kid-dance-party
Buy me a Coffee:
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bevin
Venmo: @bevinb
Cash App: $BevinBoss
Amazon Wishlist: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1SJCL864DDKEH?ref_=wl_share

Bevin on Instagram:
Instagram.com/bevinsparty
You Tube Channel:
https://www.youtube.com/c/SelfCareParty
Email list: http://eepurl.com/dyX3db

I’m excited to share with you about a virtual (Zoom) wellness retreat I’m helping facilitate coming up on Friday afternoon August 26- Saturday evening August 27th. Plus an after party on Sunday morning at my Fat Kid Dance Party class!

The Glowing Goddess Getaway is a cannabis wellness community centered around five high standards: Self Love, Empathy, Inclusivity, Good Fun, and Mindfulness.

I first started teaching at their in person getaways back in 2018 the pre-pandemic times. How we deliver wellness events has pivoted; we serve a patient community, often medically vulnerable, and moms with little kids who are vulnerable. I’m proud of the ethical gathering choices we’ve made and I think our Zoom retreats are incredibly nourishing!

Set aside some time for you and join us!

Here’s our schedule! (Subject to change–we have grace and flexibility in Pandemique times!) Attend the live Zoom recording at the $4.20 tier on the Glowing Goddess Getaway Patreon, receive the recordings (and all previous virtual retreat recordings) at the $17.10 tier.

Glow Up & Glow On Goddess August Virtual Retreat Schedule!

Friday, August 26, 2022 (All times are Pacific)

Throughout the weekend: Live oil painting by Kendrra of Streetratdraws!

4PM Welcome remarks, Lay of the Land & 4:20 sesh–Deidra & all of the Goddesses who can make this sesh

5PM Puff N Paint–Mindie of AriesArtNW

SUPPLIES: Rocks or something to paint on, acrylic paint at least primary colors, black & white, paint brushes, the smaller the paint brushes the better, household tools like toothpicks and q tips can work, a cup of water, paper towel, paper plate for a palette, (optional: acrylic paint pens are great for rock painting), for sealing rocks after they dry if you want to keep them outside: any sort of sealant eg: triple thick glaze rustoleum 

6PM LIVE BAND Performance!

630PM Sesh & Dancing!

Saturday, August 27, 2022

10AM Healing Reiki Circle Meditation–healing circle by all goddesses in attendance meditation lead by Jalah from The Divine Promise Oracle 

10:30AM Joint Rolling Relay Sesh: Everyone who wants to share their best techniques for rolling joints and stuffing cones and creating blends!

SUPPLIES: What you need for rolling at home joints! Papers or cones, filters, smoking blend

11:30AM Craft sesh: Self watering planters and propagation station with Amy Mothercraft

SUPPLIES: 2 liter bottle, scissors, magnets, hot glue gun, old joint containers

12-2PM BREAK

2PM Tarot/Astrology workshop by Dreya & Bethany of Universal Answers

3PM Service Sesh: Visioning our service club! Special guests Nichole High Anxiety Mama & Jennifer Axcell of the This is Jane Project Board

4PM Plant Lady Club show and share sesh: Show us your house plants, gardens, etc!

5PM Deidra Closing & fun game!

6PM Yoga & Cacao ceremony with Tamara of Ganja Yoga Hawai’i: Visioning ourselves glowing up and glowing on!

SUPPLIES: Journal, ceremony cacao 

Here is the link for people to purchase from Ora Cacao (the company Tamara works with).

Here is the link to a short video on how to prepare ceremonial cacao!

Here is a list of things people should have on hand:

* cacao should be prepared already

* journal/pen/colors 

* yoga mat and any props desired (blocks/blankets/pillows)

AFTER PARTY Sunday, August 28th!

11AM Cannacize Fat Kid Dance Party Class with Bevin (that’s me!): Everyone attending the workshop will get a code for a free admission to my Sunday morning aerobics class on Zoom!

I wrote a post about how and why I prepare for virtual retreats!


If you find value in this blog or in my work in the world, please consider supporting!
Patreon.com/fkdp
NEW Tee shirts: https://genuinevalentine.com/collections/fat-kid-dance-party (Check out “choose sisterhood over judgment” tee shirt 5X-XS inspired by the values of the GGG!)
Buy me a Coffee:
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bevin
Venmo: @bevinb
Cash App: $BevinBoss
Amazon Wishlist: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1SJCL864DDKEH?ref_=wl_share

Bevin on Instagram:
Instagram.com/bevinsparty
You Tube Channel:
https://www.youtube.com/c/SelfCareParty
Email list: http://eepurl.com/dyX3db