The relentless pursuit of my joy.

The first time I had to make the decision to euthanize a pet was a swirl of self-doubt. I was still pretty …

If there is one lesson I could teach the 27 year old Bevin that began this blog it’s the distinction between courtship and dating.

Recently on my podcast I've been intentionally connecting with women who use psilocybin for their mental and physical well-being. I put together this treasure map in case that is something you're considering using to help improve your experience of life.

We are using our imaginations to come up with worst case scenarios when we worry. Simultaneously we are flooding our body with chemicals that harm our immune system and cause disease.

When I find myself worrying I like to antidote it by coming up with five good things that are possible. Training the brain against those tendencies to catastrophize.

I want to encourage you to make your garden plan. Even if it's your fire escape, the piece of dirt between your sidewalk and street, wherever you can. Get curious & creative!

Consider planting more than you need. Plant even more than you think you have capacity for and between now and harvest(s) keep your ears out for ways to be generous.

Here's the boundary I use:

I'm being cautious.

That's it! "Do you want to hang out with me inside?"

"Sorry, outdoor only for me--I'm being cautious."

I want the people in my life to thrive in my love. I want to thrive. So I've developed a bunch of grieving skills to help with that.

When I was writing this I knew dance had to be in there. It was a true moment of personal liberation in 2002 when I started to really embrace dance floor freedom.

I always knew I was going to love the Grateful Dead. Andy Cohen created the best curriculum to learn to love them!

The first time I had to make the decision to euthanize a pet was a swirl of self-doubt. I was still pretty early to spirituality and connection to the Divine. I didn’t fully trust my intuition yet. I think cultivating self-trust has been a big part of my peace and how I thrive. It’s a big decision to trust yourself that the pain of continuing to live is right for an aging or ill pet.

If you want to read more about how I made that first decision with my beloved cat Bear, I wrote a piece about his euthanasia at home.

Hi, I’m Bevin! This is my dog Macy she was my Earthly companion from October 2004-March 2018.

In that process I knew I needed some kind of ritual to release him and to process my pain. I turned to experts in the field, the lesbian cat ladies who lived across the street from my mom at the time. They gave me a sweet ritual I’ve used with each pet since.

April and Gina told me to get candles in each color of the rainbow, to represent the chakras. Light them all at once with the intention of facilitating the spiritual release of the animal companion.

You can get candles from a bodega or a metaphysical shop. Sometimes the dollar store has candles but unlikely to have the whole rainbow. What matters most is intention not that you got all the colors correct. But sometimes doing what you can to follow protocol is part of the grieving process, too, so maybe gathering all the colors is something you endeavor to do to prepare.

The candles need to be someplace they can ideally just keep burning. Typically this is about a week but could be shorter. I think it’s fascinating that the candles burn different durations.

I like turning the rainbow candles into a whole altar space on the kitchen table. It’s very much the heart of my home and it gives me an easy place to glance at when I was missing my beloved.

I realized with this first ritual I liked having a place I could look to that helped me remember my pet. It’s so disorienting being used to a specific physical energy in your space that is suddenly gone. Pets are so intimate.

One of our friends sent flowers that came with a gorgeous fresh flower wreath–perfect for an altar space. I also went to two stores and couldn’t find rainbow candles so I just made it work.

When Macy passed away (perhaps the most anticipated death of my life because she was my longest companion–13.5 years old when she made her transition) the outpouring of love and gifts were unexpected and cherished.

Friends sent flowers, dropped off food and gifts and art. Having the kitchen table altar heaping with these offerings, her collar center among them, made it all so sacred. While I ached I still felt held in prayer.

It was beautiful and hard. I still have a giant 11 x 14 portrait of her up in my current RV. I like having her in eyesight and sometimes I still hear the tinkling of her shaking her collar in quiet moments.

I took lots of pics with her, even and especially on her last day.
Grainy 2004 photo!

Grieving an animal companion is a beautiful process. They teach us so much about unconditional love, and their shorter lifespans teach us about letting go. I am wishing you so much peace in this process of releasing.


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If there is one lesson I could teach the 27 year old Bevin that began this blog it’s the distinction between courtship and dating.

I suffered so much because of my expectations for dates! 

Hey! I’m Bevin! I want to be a good influence on you!

The rush of “Are you my person” is undeniable for those of us socialized by romantic comedies and codependency. 

But the focus on “Are you my person” overshadows all of the best parts of dating, in my opinion. 

I define dating, at its most basic, as spending intentional time connecting with another person

Most folks need dating to involve the possibility of sex, which can, of course, be a component. But I come from a lineage of queer elders and melders who taught me that we need to cultivate romance with our friends, too. 

Date your friends! Date your spouse! Date your kids! I know a lot of great dads and babas who have “daddy daughter dates” that are intended to teach their daughters how to be treated by future suitors. I certainly think this can be an any gender parent any gender kid activity but the intention is that it’s meant to facilitate connection and worthiness.

I define courtship specifically as a process of intentional getting to know you that results in the discernment of lifetime partnership commitment

Dating experiences saddled with courtship expectations created a lot of angst for me. Not understanding the distinction was emotional chaos.

If you’re one of those attachment theory people, you likely already sense it created a lot of anxious/avoidant attachment dynamics with my dates. Not all of my dates knew that this was happening for me but probably some of them did. 

Throughout my 43 years I sacrificed a lot of my happiness at the altar of control. The illusion of safety that comes from a perceived long-term connection is just that, an illusion! 

Years of therapy, Al-Anon recovery and self awareness practice are helping! I’ve grown into a person invested in present moment satisfaction while cultivating the internal sense of safety that slays fears of abandonment.

Back then I wanted to ensure every liaison was… lasting? I don’t know why I expected everything must last in order to be great. It was all great. Even when it was hard. 

I learned a lot about myself throughout my dating years and through every relationship I’ve had. Even the ones defined by both of us as long-term commitments that ultimately ended.

When I think back on my dating experiences I mostly remember all the fun stuff I got to do. Fun sex adventures, of course, also really memorable meals, trips, adventures, picnics in the park. Sweet gestures, gifts I still use, creative inspiration.

Longevity is not the sole determiner of a relationship’s success!

I learned from my friend Colin Bedell of Queer Cosmos, “Not every love story is a life story.” (OMG definitely make time to listen to or watch my podcast episodes with Colin!)

If I’m evaluating a dating situation I’m going to consider a few things. 

As my bestie Rachael (a Taurus) taught me going on dates should involved getting dressed up, getting compliments and “free dinners” which is, of course, something with great mutuality. (I’ve been the monied dater and the non-monied dater—there are ways both folks contribute in their own creative ways.) 

Even that won’t last if I don’t enjoy their company and feel nurtured by my time with that person.

I’ll also ask: Is spending time with this person helping me understand more about myself? Do I feel valued by this person? Are my boundaries honored? 

Most dating relationships are not a courtship, but I would argue that most courtships are dating relationships. I did not understand this distinction way back when and thus the suffering!

If I were to consider a courtship experience with someone it would require great intention from both parties (or all parties if a polyamory situation). 

Declaring an intent for courtship thus means dates are fun and flirty while simultaneously focused on a vetting process to determine if a long term commitment with this person is worth developing.

The things I would examine during a courtship process are the person’s character, commitment, willingness to grow, how they act in conflict, whether we have similar values, goals and dreams. Whether we’re on the same page about faith, family, finances, communication and sex.

If I was dating someone I would love if they joined me for church! (I attend live stream Agape Spiritual Center services). If I was courting someone, it would be essential that they joined me for church services. 

If I was dating someone I might never introduce them to my family or close friends. If I was courting someone, there are certain people whose opinions would weigh heavily for me in evaluating long term commitment.

If I was dating someone it doesn’t matter if they want children. If I were courting someone it is important to me that they want kids even more than I do.

I now understand the distinction between performative commitment and the steady, daily, beautifully boring experience of real lasting commitment. 

My peace is necessary component of cultivating my relationship with God. I’m done seeking chaos. Getting all jumbled with expectations robs me of my peace.

I believe you know when you know! I trust my intuition that the Goddess is going to speak clearly to me that this person is someone to cultivate commitment with. 

When I was young my standards for dating were all over the place. Basically, if there was chemistry I would totally hang with someone. Now I know sometimes we get chemistry with someone because there’s a lesson there. That lesson might be to NOT have sex with that person. 

So, if I got the opportunity to hang out with my 27 nearly 28 year old self (through her epic epic heartbreak at that first engagement dissolving), I would sit her down, explain this to her and say in sum:

Do what feels good for you today and right now. Trust the Divine speaking through your life.

I know I was always doing the best I could with what I had available at the time. I can see so clearly now the times I chose fear over the risk to love and enjoy and spoiled some really sweet connections that were meant to be fleeting.


Did this post resonate with you? Please consider supporting my work! I’m an artist entirely funded by my Patreon page. I want to prioritize writing more in this blog and it costs to host and I put a lot of time into these posts. Thanks for considering!

Patreon.com/fkdp
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bevin
Venmo: @bevinb
Cash App: $BevinBoss
Amazon Wishlist: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1SJCL864DDKEH?ref_=wl_share
NEW Tee shirts: https://genuinevalentine.com/collections/fat-kid-dance-party
Fatkiddanceparty.com/classes
Instagram: @fatkiddanceparty @bevinsparty
Podcast: Anchor.fm/bevin (Search “Bevin” on Spotify or Apple/Google Podcasts)
Email list: http://eepurl.com/dyX3db
Buy anything on Amazon using this link to go to their website and I make a 3% commission on anything you buy! Costs nothing extra to you and cuts into that “astronaut’s” profits just a lil bit. https://amzn.to/2PQ52A9

All of this is provided for information purposes only and not a substitute for medical care!

Hi! I’m Bevin! I want to be a good influence on you. I have no agenda for what you do with this information. I want you to feel fully informed and comfortable making whatever choices you want to make with healing! This collage art was a gift by my friend & Astrologer Drey Vibes!

Recently on my podcast I’ve been intentionally connecting with women who use psilocybin for their mental and physical well-being. I put together this treasure map in case that is something you’re considering using to help improve your experience of life.

If you’re curious about healing with fungi this collection of conversations is great for exploring without doing anything yet!

If you haven’t watched the documentary Fantastic Fungi it’s on Netflix right now! It’s worth an understanding of who the mycelium are and what they can offer us as a species. We are all interconnected!

Just like I believe your ideal weight is how much you weigh living a life you actually enjoy, I think your ideal health can be whatever you need in order to live a life you actually enjoy. My biggest suggestion is lots of water and mindfulness practices outside of your use of fungi. It’s not a quick fix it’s an amplification of the mindfulness practices you continue to engage in that encourages the creation of new neural pathways.

You can find most of these episodes on my you tube channel, or find them on Apple/Google podcasts or Spotify (search “Bevin”).

Here’s to healing with plants! And the term Magic Mushrooms because the experience can be legit magic. Sometimes the downloads are pure love and when you’re having a tough time in life it’s so refreshing to feel pure love!

104. (Solo) My Experience with Psilocybin (Magic Mushrooms) for Healing

132. Samantha Montanero who uses psilocybin and other non-psychoactive fungi to recover from a brain injury and is very smart about mushrooms and plant medicine!

128. Jennifer who used psilocybin intentionally for her burn-out recovery and for her regular mental wellness self care days

74. Deidra Bliss on DMT and healing with psychedelics (and all things plant healing)

129. Noemi talks about psilocybin and toad medicine for healing! Plus tapping which helps regardless of plant medicine use!

116. Ashley Manta on using Ketamine for treatment resistant depression!

131. Aunt Mimi who uses psilocybin as part of pain and mental health

117. Kendrra uses psilocybin for her cluster headaches but we didn’t talk much about it. She uses a microdose once a month and once every five days if the headaches aren’t all gone from that once monthly microdose until they go away.

108. A solo episode where I talk about a profound psilocybin journey I had while camping, more like sharing a story of what the fungi taught me!

45. For folks who are new to cannabis this is a solo episode I use to talk about how to have good first time experiences with cannabis for mental health! And for practiced stoners how to level up how potent cannabis feels!

This is an audio recording on you tube of a Clubhouse Roundtable I did with Tokeativity. There are several women who share their experience healing with plant medicine and psychedelics. I come in around the 50 minute mark and I bring the party (naturally).

I’m adding more episodes to this series in the coming weeks so tune back in to find more on this list!

I put hours of labor into each episode and blog post. I’m only able to do this because of the support of my Patreon supporters. If you value this work (this is my job) please contribute! Big Pharma isn’t giving me any sponsorships (nor do I want them).

Patreon.com/fkdp
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bevin
Fatkiddanceparty.com/classes
Instagram: @fatkiddanceparty @bevinsparty
Podcast: Anchor.fm/bevin (Search “Bevin” on Spotify or Apple/Google Podcasts)
Email list: http://eepurl.com/dyX3db
Tee shirts: https://genuinevalentine.com/collections/fat-kid-dance-party
Venmo: @bevinb
Cash App: $BevinBoss
Amazon Wishlist: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1SJCL864DDKEH?ref_=wl_share
Buy anything on Amazon using this link to go to their website and I make a 3% commission on anything you buy! Costs nothing extra to you and cuts into that “astronaut’s” profits just a lil bit. https://amzn.to/2PQ52A9

Like/subscribe/review! It all helps!