It’s time for some additions to the Queer Lexicography!
A long time ago, this term was given unto me by my BFF Rachael.
Side Dish: An apt way to describe a special lover who is not your main lover or partner. As further explicated by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha when I threw the term around her the other day: “You can enjoy a meaty entrée on its own, but how much better is it with a delicious side of greens or okra? Giving you vitamins and tastes that you just don’t get with the main dish. Making both taste more delightful in the mouth. How lovely.”
Another oldie but goodie, my friend Erica came up with it years and years ago, when we went to our first Michfest, to describe how some of the folks there deal with being on The Land with or without partners.
Free Ass Pass: The arrangement you make with your partner or primary or date or ladyfriend and side dishes or whatever, that when you are at a particular place or doing a particular thing, you are free to get booty. I’m in the process of making buttons to sell at events, conferences and what what that say “Ask me about my Free Ass Pass”. It’s a great idea to advertise that, especially when you’ve got a limited time, a vast pool and since the queer community can be SUPER shy about cruising.
The Slow Burn: A way to describe the extended flirtation of going out with someone and not going all the way or even kissing right away, or where no one is making a move at all but there’s still some palpable chemistry.
Often, timing and circumstances dictate the need for a slow burn. Long distance is a bitch. So is someone getting out of a weird life situation (in recovery, big break-up, etc…) so the slow burn is the emotionally responsible choice for both parties. We’ve all been there with the Reckless Rebound. That shit rarely lasts. She’s 6 weeks out of a long term relationship, so we go on these dates where we make out like Mormon teenagers in front of subway stations and then part ways because we need to use a slow burn to preserve longevity.
For long distance slow burn situations, Damien suggests periodic text messages of interest (factual and flirtatious) to the intended to fan the flames until the slow burn does something at some point. She also gave a lot of great advice about courting out of town ass for the upcoming episode of FemmeCast on courtship. She’s my Trampage hero and is totally going to be coming to a town near you this summer on her Stonewall Femmes Fight Back tour. I’ll update here about it, or you can check out her website.
Sometimes a Slow Burn happens with an intown date where you’re just waiting for the right timing/life circumstances to bring it back around. Holly and I had a date right before she left town on the Equality Ride and when she came back she’s gotten together with this other girl and I still don’t know what their poly situation is. I’m letting this go on the slow burn and see what happens.
Glenn Marla warned that the danger of the slow burn is that things might fizzle out too soon. Last summer I had a slow burn that definitely died, but it was nice to go on dates and just hang out with someone hot and fun, a little kissing at the end of the night, but I was still far too broken from the end of my relationship to try to ratchet up the passion. And my date at the time was way too shy to ratchet it up himself.
But it is important to remember that anticipation can be an excellent aphrodisiac. Vivia the slow burn!!