Boss Up with Bevin Your dream life is at the end of your comfort zone

2013-02-18

FAT SEX WEEK: Review of the Plus Size Liberator Wedge

After the success of GAY SEX WEEK on my blog in October 2011, I decided to produce FAT SEX WEEK to celebrate sex for all bodies. This is especially inspired to counteract all of the media about sex around Valentine’s Day that’s all heteronormative/couplehood-oriented/body hegemonic. It’s a week of body liberation and sex and it’s going to be really fun! Check out all of the FAT SEX WEEK magic!

(All the photos in this post are Safe For Work but the photos depict people in suggestive positions.)

When I told a friend of mine who shall remain nameless that I was planning a FAT SEX WEEK she immediately asked if I would review the Liberator Wedge for my website. Liberator sells a Plus Size Wedge and it seemed like the perfect addition to FAT SEX WEEK. I’ve been familiar with the Liberator furniture for years, they did a lounge at the Femme Mafia Masquerade in 2008.* The whole Liberator collection is incredible and luxurious.

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Since the Liberator folks haven’t upgraded the Wedge photos to include plus size participants in the Wedge lifestyle, I needed to include at least one photo of plus size babes. Photo by Kelsey Dickey for Rebel Cupcake.

Making the decision to invest in a piece of furniture for sex is a giant commitment not just in cost but also in space. Brooklyn is not a place to take storage lightly, so I didn’t really ever consider a Liberator an option in my life.

I put the call out to pals to see if someone wanted to loan me one before I made the commitment of asking for a review Wedge from the kind folks at Liberator. I got enough positives from friends, including a suggestion to use it as a “reading ramp” to prop your pillows on for reading in bed. Genius storage idea won out and I asked for my own Wedge.

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The Wedge, just casually laying about.

I had a few misgivings ahead of time. Number one is, why wouldn’t you just use a pillow to do what the Liberator does? I learned immediately upon receiving the Wedge that it’s not that simple, since the Liberator is made of this heavy duty foam material that’s way sturdier than a pillow but just pliant enough to be comfortable. Welcome to sex in the 21st Century! None of my fluffy pillows could possibly compete with this firm foam.

The Plus Size Wedge differs from the original Wedge in the dimensions. The original measures 24 x 14 x 7 whereas the plus measures 30 x 14 x 7. I was on it and I was glad for the extra space. I could feel firmly planted in the center of the Wedge and didn’t feel like I was falling off either side. If it was six inches smaller I would probably feel sort of insecure on it, like I might roll off. Insecurity is a total buzz kill for fat sex!

The Wedge is often marketed for its great leverage for amazing g-spot (and p-spot) stimulation. That was my favorite part. A toy that was sort of okay at g-spotting was phenomenal while on the Wedge (position: legs in the air and back on the wedge angle). The $105 investment in the Wedge is a great one when you think that how many of your sorta “Meh” toys sitting in your sex toy box will get a new life out of the new positions you can support on the Wedge.

Like many things involved in having fun sex, the Liberator Wedge requires an openness to being silly and a little planning. There is nothing “smooth” about getting onto this thing. I’ve tried it both in prepared “We’re going to try the Wedge tonight” and “Oh, we should get the Wedge!” moments. I’ll tell you, the “We should get the Wedge!” moment requires getting up and resetting the stage, which might not be the ideal for your sexual situations if you’re one of those heat of the moment hard to get revved up again people.

Also, getting onto the Wedge is sort of hilarious. I don’t have a photograph of this, but I sat on it once and almost entirely rolled into a backward somersault in a red babydoll chemise which was hilarious for my fellow wedge tester to witness and something we laughed about for a long time. But I don’t know if I could have recovered from the foolishness with a brand new partner. So be warned to settle in slowly.

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This girl looks like a pin-up on the Wedge. I bet she looked really foolish settling in for this photo shoot!

My fellow wedge tester reported that her arms were significantly less tired than usual. “More bang for your buck,” she said. I laughed heartily.

The foam really holds up, it’s firm and I can easily stay in position. I think the Liberator Plus Size Wedge is totally worth the investment of money and storage space. The Plus Size Wedge comes in a ton of colors and prints, including leopard, and the microfiber cover is easily removable and machine washable. I’m seriously considering the Plus Size Ramp for my next trick.

Thanks Liberator!

*A big room full of sex furniture at a party is a pretty amazing feat, Rachael throws incredible events.

2012-12-20

How to Stuff a Butch Stocking

After yesterday’s post on How to Stuff a Femme’s Stocking I was asked to draft the complimentary post for stuffing a Butch’s stocking. I enlisted the help of a couple of Butch pals of mine, Jenn and Shelly, and with their input have created the following.

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Jenn and Shelly, both Farm Butch identified. Photo credit: Cordelia.

My friend Shirley weighed in on some ideas for the city butch.

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Shirley is a very accessorized New Yorker and a Taylor Swift fan.

Just as in the case of the Femme stocking, I subscribe to the umbrella gender term for Butch, meaning anyone who is self-identified and masculine of center, and Butch can mean lots of things to lots of people. There are as many ways to be Butch as there are Butches. Look through this list and see what resonates about the Butch whose stocking you are stuffing (heh) and good luck!

My friend Miss Mary Wanna had this to say about getting the wrong gifts. “The flip side is the ache of getting something so wrong from someone otherwise so right, it can be a little ‘Do you KNOW me?’ at times.” So, again, pay attention to the person you’re gifting to!

Accessories!

Someone was asking about my type awhile ago and I somehow got on this long tangent about accessories. “I mean, it’s all about proper brooch placement, you know?” And if you’ve never seen a Butch rock a brooch you don’t hang out with enough gender magicians. In addition to brooches, there are so many incredible accessories that contribute to a fabulous butch aesthetic.

Belts are great, especially if you know the waist size (or can sneak a peak into the waist size of their jeans and figure it out). You can go low-cost at a big box store or fancy fancy at a department store or somewhere in between at Ross. Belts make a good cracking sound. (True story, I keep a men’s leather belt that doesn’t fit me in my sex toy picnic basket because of the satisfying noise it makes.) Belts make a good clinkity clinkity noise when they come off. Maybe I should have put belts in the sexy times category.

Belt buckles are also awesome, including antique or vintage belt buckles. You could definitely pop into a Western Wear store to get one of those (they typically have a huge selection), or a well-curated vintage store with a men’s selection will have some baller (but probably pricey) belt buckles. Clinkity clinkity.

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Cuff links are a great accessory I love that are perfect stocking size and come in a wide range of prices, like these custom latitude/longitude cuff links for $22. You can also craft cuff links pretty easily with a quick stop at a craft store to get the cuff link blanks plus some craft glue plus notions. Like dice, coins, buttons or whatever. DIY cuff link tutorial here for $3 each pair.

Hankies! One of my favorite accessories, I think hankies could be a lot of things. Number one, hankies are great at filling up the stocking for girth (size is important), but also they can be a secret code. Like, go to the sporting goods store and buy all the colors of hankies you want the Butch to flag for you. This is again where accessories meets sex toys but whatever. It’s a hot idea. Or you could monogram some yourself. A slick hanky set with a nice monogram is nice and I think you can totally get those at Target.

A nice wallet! I would suggest paying close attention to what kind of wallet they carry, noting whether they are happy with it and how they would react to change. Some people are really picky about their wallet. But, then again, I had a date who rocked this incredible french fry wallet that I’m sure I could have given a cool whimsical other type of wallet.

Shirley suggests a ‘Chrome’ seat belt buckle key chain because “That little click is so satisfying.” Shirley likes a good click, too. Also, at $25 it’s a really cool urban take on the caribiner keychain on the belt loop situation.

A zippo lighter is a great idea for a smoker, or someone who just likes to be prepared to be chivalrous (this is the only reason I carry a lighter).

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Miss Mary Wanna holding Macy.

Tools

Some Butches are into tools! And there are so many kinds of tools. Like knives! A good pocket knife is both a great accessory, sexy as hell, and super useful! Jenn noted to me once she saw a swiss army knife, nail clipper and file that she was drooling over. Also, it could be the kind of knife that is big and goes in the sock or whatever. I don’t know a lot about knives, but I bet you could get a great one at Cabelas if there is one near you.

Also, you could swing by Sears and buy a tool that they have been looking for. Like a wrench? I don’t know, pay attention! But tools totally fit well in stockings. I got a pink toolkit once that was a really great gift that I still use!

Whiskey stones are an important tool for any whiskey drinker! Mackenzi’s store sells them in Queens (and online).

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Christmas at the Haus of Femmespiration.

Clothing

Ties are great. I love ties, both bowties and regular ties. They’re easy to get cheap or expensive and you could easily do a color aesthetic in your stocking by coordinating all of the accessories in the same color scheme.

Boxer briefs (“Butches like getting sexy underthings, too,” says Shelly) or whatever their underwear of choice is. I have always liked getting Calvin Klein underwear for girlfriends and you can get a great deal on them at Ross.

Socks! I have to say, a recent shopping issue I had was trying to find teenage boy size socks for someone on the masculine spectrum. I could only find boring socks in that size. I love to give a wacky sock as a gift and they seem to make wacky socks in just the traditional sock style. But socks are a holiday stocking staple, and I encourage their purchase. Mackenzi’s store also has these amazing hops socks for beer lovers and a bunch of other cute socks. Smart wool socks were also shouted out by the farm Butches. (But anyone in a winter climate should appreciate these friends to warm feet everywhere.)

Longjohns/Longjanes! What a cute thing to stuff in a stocking (that will do well to fill it up, too). These boys’ longjohns would be SO ADORABLE on a hot smaller Butch.

For NYC folks I HIGHLY suggest a walk down what I call “Dapper Alley” in NYC which is Orchard Street between I think Rivington and the next block North. It’s all sorts of suit stores but they have great ties and other accessories for not a lot of dough.

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Hygiene

A vintage shaving cup and brush is a cute idea if the Butch does any kind of shaving.

“A good beeswax pomade to keep that pomp looking tight,” says Shirley. There’s a great queer pompadour tumblr with reviews of lots of pomades. I would say peep the medicine chest and see what they use because probably they are particular about what they use. Or get them a bunch of samples of different pomades at a hair salon so they can try different ones out!

Chapstick. (If they use chapstick.)

Toys

I was recently told by a Butch who was disappointed one of her favorite toys had broken, “Basically we like a lot of the same things little boys like.” Which I find to be true about me with little girls’ things. I have a cherished cupcake backpack that was clearly made for 10 year old girls AND ME.

So take a trip down the toy aisle of Target or wherever and see what speaks to you. Tiny robots, legos, cute things that match their interest. If they are farm dyke identified maybe they want a baby John Deere tractor or something. You should know whether they are John Deere identified or if they like the other kinds of tractors. I know enough about farm dykes to know that there are STRONG tractor preferences. You’ll know whether it’s green/yellow, red or orange. (Did I impress you that I knew that, Jenn?)

Homemade/Sentimental

It was suggested by a couple of the committee members that a photo was a cute stocking stuffer. Like a framed photo of the person stuffing the stocking (I still have a framed photo of my ex fiance he gave me our first Christmas in that box where relics of my past live). Or, Shirley suggests putting an image on the back of a vintage King of Hearts card. Aww!

Also, another good city Butch idea is a homemade list of places you like. I could probably write a deeply annotated Top 10 Fried Chicken Restaurants in NYC, a Top 10 Pizza Places in NYC list, a list of all the best restaurants to visit in a bunch of major US cities. A list of dive bars in your city so the person can take you there on dates is also good.

Tiny notebooks are great stocking stuffers, especially with an inscribed note on the inside or maybe a decoupaged cover!

How about making the nerd in your life a set of Star Wars snowflakes? Link to a free pattern is here.

Books!

I can’t believe I neglected to suggest books for Femmes! Goes both ways! Paperbacks are PERFECT stocking size. I love taking a stroll through a used book store and getting something that really speaks to me about the person’s interests. Jenn suggested this book Farmer Jane! Don’t forget to inscribe it!

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Sexy Times

You could totally do exactly what I recommended in my Femme post for a Butch you’re doing it with but here are some specifics from a Butch desire point of view.

Non-lubricated, flavored condoms that the giftgiver (if it’s a lover, natch, and assuming this is a cock-identified Butch) applies to the Butch’s cock using their mouth only. A nubbly, clit-bumping silicone cock ring.

A P-style.

A hand-written coupon for permission to photograph or film the giftgiver giving the Butch a blowjob or any other intimate act.

For the stocking itself, I suggest getting a vintage boot or something to stuff! How cute would that be?

Okay, y’all! I hope this stocking stuffer list is going to help you give or get what you want for the upcoming stocking holiday (Gaywitchmas is totally a stocking holiday)! If you use any of the ideas from either post let me know how it goes! I love personal shopping!

Also, if anyone out there is still trying to buy me a present for Christmas or my impending birthday, I totally want a twilight turtle.

2011-10-18

GAY SEX WEEK: The Queer Fat Femme Guide to Better Sex

Hi friends and welcome to NATIONAL QUEERFATFEMME.COM GAY SEX WEEK, where each day this week I am going to talk about GAY SEX to increase LGBT presence in the media. Monday I addressed how to find other people to have gay sex with you. Today we’re chatting about how to have better sex.

I’m calling this GAY SEX WEEK in a satirical way in order to increase the presence of GAY SEX in the media (in reaction to a HuffPo article calling for less sanitized GAY SEX in the media) but really I mean queer sex.

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Miss Mary Wanna making it rain at the Zombie Queer Cabaret I produced in 2009.

I want to make explicit that my working definition of GAY SEX is any sex that a queer person has who wants to call it sex. What gets you off? That’s GAY SEX. What counts as GAY SEX to you today might not tomorrow and that’s okay. Variety is one of the very best attributes about GAY SEX.

Most of the links in this post are Not Safe For Work (NSFW) just so you know.

Here at QueerFatFemme.com I try to make it clear that there are no queer gatekeepers. For example, Femmes are still queer even when they are doing it to cisdudes. So when one of my Femme pals started doing it to a cisdude and reported back that the cunnilingus was surprisingly great (“Better than a lesbian! Best of my life!” she shockingly announced) I took my charm and talk show host realness to the source. Hanging out with this boy I asked him “So what made you so great at eating pussy?” (To be fair there was a lot of bourbon involved.)

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Talk show host realness. Zombie-style.

He told me he read a book! A pussy eating book.*

Mindblowing Sex: A Woman’s Guide

I heart Diana Cage and think you should buy all of her books.

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When this happened again to another friend who started dating a nerdy cisboy I knew there was a theme–some people are just naturally good in bed and others take that natural talent and add to it by studying ways to please their partners. To sum up–nerds are good in bed! You can study and get better than you already are!

So I asked around to my nerdy friends who are rumored to be good in bed what their favorite resources happen to be and created a little round-up.

One time on FemmeCast my friend Eden said that the key to being good in bed is to “never fall in love with your own line”–everyone’s body is different and you’re going to have to learn to pay attention to what your partner responds to and what they want. A trick that works on Femme A might not work on Femme B. (It might, though, so there’s always fun in trying.)

Communicating with your partner is the best reference guide. Listen to what they have to say about what feels hot to their bodies, how they like their bodies referred to and respect their boundaries. I firmly believe this is a conversation to have outside of the bedroom. Over dinner, perhaps, or over cocktails. It’s just a lot less vulnerable than getting a critique while you’re all naked and sweaty. Also, ask about fantasies and things they would like to try out. And bring some fantasies about what you would like to do to them to the table. I never even considered the magic of female ejaculation until a partner had studied up on it and brought it as a suggestion.

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Heather and Damien as Zombie Femmes. Genius.

One friend suggested these basic tomes to learn how to be a good and versatile lover.

Orgasms by Lou Paget.

The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensable Guide to Pleasure & Seduction by Barbara Keesling Ph.D.

This same friend also suggested “The occasional men’s magazine, astrology guide, watching queer porn like QueerPorn.TV and the classic Crash Pad.”

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Me, one of my favorite porn stars Lorelei Lee and Bambi Galore.

Since I am engaging in some sex Real Talk from my own life this week, I will fully admit to having been the grateful recipient of a lot of sex tips from Maxim Magazine. Like everything geared towards heteros and not queers, take what you like and leave the rest, but those men’s mags round up some good advice, much of which is interesting to women. Some of the best sex I’ve had started with a tip a lover read in Maxim.

Her final recommendation was Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas, who is a queer femme. I’ve been very curious about this book since I took a class given by Barbara–I like the link between sex and spirituality.

I can’t recommend Urban Tantra highly enough!

I asked a gay boy friend where he goes to learn more about sex. He said “I’ve always learned new things from other gay men. They’re really willing to teach you–hand’s on. It’s a great way to pick up boys.” In fact, he said, men rarely won’t or don’t talk about sex. (I am sure this is different for lots of folks but I thought it was a neat way to combine a thirst for knowledge with getting laid.)

My favorite place to go for information about sex and sex techniques is Autostraddle. If I want to know more about something or try something new I’ll google [the sex act I am looking for] + Autostraddle.com. They have hard working editorial staff publishing round-ups at the end of each week on NSFW Sundays.

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AfroTitty. Meow.

It was via Autostraddle I found KittyStryker’s “F*ck Me, I’m Fat: A Hot Guide to Fat Sex.” It is a pretty exhaustive round-up of fatty sex tips. I was ready to have more to add but by the end I was like, “Well, that’s most of it.” My addition to the fat sex round-up is to consider wearing a strap-on on your belly instead of closer to your crotch for better leverage. I had a lover pull that on me once and we were able to change things up a lot.

Zines are a super rad resource and there is an amazing zine called Fucking Trans Women. Issues are available on the website as a PDF and I think it is well worth it–how-to guides, sex stories, told by trans women for trans women and their lovers.

It can be sort of alienating to read all this stuff about becoming a better lover when you don’t have someone handy to try things out on, so I suggest learning how to be a better lover to yourself. This is a set of skills that will never expire. My friend Matie’s store Self Serve Toys in New Mexico has a great guide to trying out what works for you sex toy-wise and it’s a locally owned queer and feminist business that ships worldwide. You can even call them at the store and ask questions and get recommendations.

I just stumbled across some good FREE EDUCATIONAL PORN on another feminist sex toy store website, the Smitten Kitten. They star queer femmes Tristan Taormino, Courtney Trouble and Dylan Ryan among others and seem pretty rad. (I am having trouble loading them on my macbook so I can’t get them to go past the first minute.) Check them out and let me know what you think!

Also, don’t forget now and again QueerFatFemme.com has the good sex tips. Lola Dean’s time-tested blow job tips are really great!

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Lola Dean!

So, okay, I hope you acquired new resources from this post and have some really great new stuff to learn about GAY SEX for NATIONAL QUEERFATFEMME.COM GAY SEX WEEK.

*Here I am linking to Amazon for book buying but I think that you should get your sex ed books from your favorite feminist sex toy store. However, if you want to buy online and use my linky to get anything at amazon (whether I link right to it or you go rogue and buy a Wii) I get a tiny referral fee and it helps me buy more queer books.

2010-03-14

Get Some South in Yo’ Mouth!: Lola Dean’s Time-Tested Tips for the Ultimate Blow Job Performance

Happy Steak & Blow Job Day! Here at Queer Fat Femme I decided to delay my celebration until Steak & Blow Job Day (Observed) and in the meantime I have made today an academic study brushing up on blow job skills and steak preparation.

This is a good steak primer, from Jen, a friend on Facebook.

Good steak is pan-seared. The trick is to pat it off with paper towel, etc., to get it as dry as possible before it hits the pan. That way, it will crust nicely on the outside and retain the juices inside. And don’t overcook it – steak MUST BE medium rare.

Also, let it rest for a few minutes before serving.

Check out the reluctant gourmet website, for interesting tips.

I asked my friend Lola Dean, who won an audience favorite award in a recent blow job competition in a certain legendary Park Slope basement, to provide her tips for S & BJ Day.

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Photo by Shameless Photography.

From the flat lands of the Southern Delta, Lola Dean comes to NYC with sassy, white-trashy spirit. Typically found around the queer performance spaces of New York as a burlesque artist with a sultry stage repertoire, she now steps offstage and into the bedroom to provide these erotic tips on giving your sweetie a sensual and special blow job performance.

If you’re thinking of giving your lover(s) the royal treatment on “Steak and Blow Job Day,” I would encourage you to brush up on your oral service skills to make the holiday special and unforgettable. A full belly can only be complemented by a great blow job, so take your task seriously, and your sweetheart(s) will sing your praises…quite literally. Many of us (but certainly not all) queer femmes service our lover(s)’ not-so-permanent cocks (i.e. dildos and toys), and while this is my specialty, I think these tips can be applied across the board for all body types and genders. First, remember this is a performance, so show us what you got! You are front and center, so pull all the stops, and dazzle your sweetheart by following these three tips:

1. Take it slow. Unless of course, your sweetie likes it quick and dirty! But generally speaking, you want to take your time and make a show for your sweetie. Prolonging the act builds excitement, which will intensify the orgasm. Jumping the gun by putting the entire cock in your mouth too soon can spoil the build up. If it helps, sing a song in your head and set “benchmarks” for the verses and choruses. For example, you can sing through Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” and promise to only make it halfway down the shaft by the time she leaves her heart and hand on the dance floor. Just don’t get too caught up in the song that you forget to focus on your lover’s pleasure!

2. Spice it up. This is perhaps, my favorite cock-sucking tip, because it leaves room for creativity, fantasy, and personal preference. The key to spicing up a blow job is being adventurous. For all you femmes and fags, swipe on your favorite shade of lipstick and open wide. The smeared lipstick on both your sweetie’s cock and your lips makes for great visuals and an erotic opportunity for gender expression. I encourage you to also consider role-plays and how a blow job scene can be used to enhance the play. Does your lover have a penchant for boss-secretary fantasies? Set up an “executive chair” and get on those knees! The possibilities are limitless, so let your imagination run wild, and your sweetie will be grateful.

3. Take special care. The third tip is quite possibly, the hardest to master, as it takes attention to detail and more than a little imagination. Taking special care of your lover during a blow job involves performing the service as if every inch of the cock has special and sensitive nerve endings, and every motion and touch can be felt by your lover. Ok, I know I know… you’re eyeing your silicone cock with suspicion right about now. After all, it’s not real, right? Nonsense! Reality lives inside our own erotic imaginations. Flick your tongue on the sensitive soft “skin” underneath the head. Kiss the tip with slow passion and care. If you want to test your gag reflexes, hold the base and slide the entire shaft in until your throat muscles inevitably protest. And I promise your sweetie’s toes will curl. Taking special care lets your lover(s) know you are thinking of their pleasure both physically and emotionally.

And, lastly, there’s nothing hotter than showing your lover(s) that you care about their sexual health and safety, so adorn the cock with a condom and/or play with toys that can be sterilized. And just like your favorite Babeland-bought, mint-flavored condoms, one size does not fit all in the blow job tip department. Experiment with these suggestions, talk to your lover(s) about their bodies and desires, and above all have fun! Share your thoughts and additional tips in the comments, and let the sexy blow job knowledge spread far and wide!

Catch Lola Dean with Bevin & The Baconettes at this month’s That’s My Jam Party! Sure to be magical!

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2009-09-18

Additions to the Queer Lexicography: Ages and Dating and PR

There’s been a trend amongst my friends lately to date ten years up or ten years down. My friend Heather told me once, her voice dramatically raspy like an aged actress, holding a drink and wobbling a little bit with the truthiness of alcohol, “You gotta get ’em before or after they’re in the thick of their shit. 29 year olds are weighted down with issues.”

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I have to say I’ve found some seduction in that idea. When my fiance and I broke up I was a little obsessed with finding a 39 year old butch divorcee. My theory was that it took the end of at least one significant adult forever releationship to season someone enough that they could do it better the second time. Also, I had a couple of friends at the time who were dating 39 year olds and they seemed like breaths of fresh air compared to the crop of 28 year old scoundrels I had been dealing with.

Of course, it’s not that simple. A year later it turned out at least one of those 39 year olds was a super powered douchebag and I never should have looked to her for any sort of relationship idealizing.

However, I will say age and experience are an important factor in how compatible someone is with you and what kind of match you’re looking for. But now there’s a new crop of Queer Lexicography to explain the big giant age difference!

A Tiny is someone who is in their barely twenties.* Tinies can be great. They are someone you can be really tender with because of their stark vulnerability in contrast to your older jadedness. They can be really fun to corrupt. They can also help you not take things so seriously. Tinies sometimes have more active sex drives. They can make you feel really old when they don’t understand your Jem and the Holograms references.

Because they are tiny they are fresh faced and full of energy, and you can train them to suit. Basically it’s like you want to enjoy them and be the hot older woman who teaches them things. When a tiny doesn’t act right you have to understand that this is your opportunity to not only help the tiny but also help the community. Pay it forward, if you will. I’ve had a few lovers who definitely benefitted from prior experience with someone much older. I got to reap those benefits, too!

Someone who is in their barely twenties is probably much less likely to be the marriage and kids kind of forever dater the way same age people are. That’s a nice relief and a lot less pressure. More emphasis on dating for the fun of it and less on the dating with expectations.

Of course, like with all relationships, you have to be careful with your Tiny. You don’t want to ruin them and make them jaded like you are.

Being someone’s Tiny is great. Instead of dating someone else in their barely twenties where you’re just sort of fumbling through things with a soundtrack of Sarah McLachlin and don’t know any better between the two of you, someone shows you the ropes of how to be in and communicate in and have fun in the queer community.

Being someone’s Decade Down, is sort of like a Tiny, except you’re not in your barely twenties and have some life experience, have done the Saturn Return and thus have a lowered tolerance for bullshit. You can be the young one in their friend crowd, who is fun and full of energy and wants to go out dancing more than once a month. Your Decade Up is your connection to a certain part of queer history that you didn’t live but maybe read about in Michelle Tea novels. They can teach you more tricks in the sack because hopefully they’re more experienced. They are over being the wandering panty chaser and want to settle down a little bit. Maybe.

Experience always trumps age. But unless you’re a crazy overachiever or chronically unable to learn from your mistakes, age makes a difference in how you relate to people and life. I’ve also learned that just because someone is older it doesn’t mean they are automatically good in bed, but that is true more often than it is not.

You shouldn’t mess up a good thing by getting bogged down with age stuff. Heather likes to say “Who fucking cares? Shut up you’re ruining everything.”

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In other words, age, like other relationship differences, is sexy and fun to play with when appropriate. Like zodiac signs. But there’s no way to say just because someone is a Scorpio they are definitely going to fuck you over, though it’s quite possible.**

I got another addition emailed to me by Mira Bellwether the other day that I’ve already rolled into my Queer Lexicography.

Pussy Response: PR

This is a term my friends and I have been using for a while now, frequently or usually abbreviated to PR, especially in polite company, and for the sake of coding (and abbreves.) The appeal of Pussy Response to me is that it describes an active process/state of being that belongs to the person who expresses it, rather than a passive state of being or one that is done to someone (“she makes me wet.”) The latter is sometimes accurate, but I like having a term that puts things in terms of my desire rather than what someone else is up to. PR also doesn’t necessarily rely on wetness to gauge sexual response or arousal, but it can be part of the whole pussy response experience. We also talk about PR campaigns, and PR can be an exclamation like “Hot!” that focuses on what the speaker’s body is doing rather than stating something about the object of desire.

Examples:

“The bartender at that place gives me total PR!”

“Did you see her arms? PR!”

“I have such PR for that boy.”

“You look amazing tonight, you’re sending me on a PR campaign!”
“Oh really? Well, you’re going to feel my PR all over your face as soon as I get you home.”

I’ve also heard tell of at least one butch using the modified “CR” for cock response, but the association with consciousness-raising makes me slightly uneasy.

I, on the other hand, love consciousness raising, so CR will work around me. Thanks for the addition Mira!! The deviled egg hair fascinator you made me is creating a PR campaign in the queer fat femme community.

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*Sugar plums, let’s keep it 18 and over, always.
**That’s a shout out to my good friend who shall remain nameless. USE YOUR WORDS to break up with people, not the ignore button on your iphone!!

2009-07-16

Additions to the Queer Lexicography: Polyamory Edition

It’s time for some additions to the Queer Lexicography!

A long time ago, this term was given unto me by my BFF Rachael.

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Side Dish: An apt way to describe a special lover who is not your main lover or partner. As further explicated by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha when I threw the term around her the other day: “You can enjoy a meaty entrée on its own, but how much better is it with a delicious side of greens or okra? Giving you vitamins and tastes that you just don’t get with the main dish. Making both taste more delightful in the mouth. How lovely.”

Another oldie but goodie, my friend Erica came up with it years and years ago, when we went to our first Michfest, to describe how some of the folks there deal with being on The Land with or without partners.

Free Ass Pass: The arrangement you make with your partner or primary or date or ladyfriend and side dishes or whatever, that when you are at a particular place or doing a particular thing, you are free to get booty. I’m in the process of making buttons to sell at events, conferences and what what that say “Ask me about my Free Ass Pass”. It’s a great idea to advertise that, especially when you’ve got a limited time, a vast pool and since the queer community can be SUPER shy about cruising.

This one tossed around me last night at Femme Family Femme Book Club by Damien D’Luxe.

The Slow Burn: A way to describe the extended flirtation of going out with someone and not going all the way or even kissing right away, or where no one is making a move at all but there’s still some palpable chemistry.

Often, timing and circumstances dictate the need for a slow burn. Long distance is a bitch. So is someone getting out of a weird life situation (in recovery, big break-up, etc…) so the slow burn is the emotionally responsible choice for both parties. We’ve all been there with the Reckless Rebound. That shit rarely lasts. She’s 6 weeks out of a long term relationship, so we go on these dates where we make out like Mormon teenagers in front of subway stations and then part ways because we need to use a slow burn to preserve longevity.

For long distance slow burn situations, Damien suggests periodic text messages of interest (factual and flirtatious) to the intended to fan the flames until the slow burn does something at some point. She also gave a lot of great advice about courting out of town ass for the upcoming episode of FemmeCast on courtship. She’s my Trampage hero and is totally going to be coming to a town near you this summer on her Stonewall Femmes Fight Back tour. I’ll update here about it, or you can check out her website.

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Sometimes a Slow Burn happens with an intown date where you’re just waiting for the right timing/life circumstances to bring it back around. Holly and I had a date right before she left town on the Equality Ride and when she came back she’s gotten together with this other girl and I still don’t know what their poly situation is. I’m letting this go on the slow burn and see what happens.

Glenn Marla warned that the danger of the slow burn is that things might fizzle out too soon. Last summer I had a slow burn that definitely died, but it was nice to go on dates and just hang out with someone hot and fun, a little kissing at the end of the night, but I was still far too broken from the end of my relationship to try to ratchet up the passion. And my date at the time was way too shy to ratchet it up himself.

But it is important to remember that anticipation can be an excellent aphrodisiac. Vivia the slow burn!!

2009-04-01

FemmeCast Episode 8: That’s My Jam!!

“We’re fierce but not nuts, we’re the Sharks!”–Leah, Epsiode 8 of FemmeCast

There’s so much to be excited for in 2009!

Episode 8: That’s My Jam! Running time: 62 minutes.

In this episode host Bevin Branlandingham and FemmeCast contributors discuss what’s exciting about 2009.
www.Femme-Cast.com

Femme Shark Correspondent Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha and her BBFFF and co-founder Zuleikha Mahmood debut their latest addition to the Queer Lexicography, JAM!
“The reason why the Jam is such a great term is it’s better than any other term out there for the transmasculine genitalia. The Jam is something you want to get up in. We’re talking about the JAMvantage.”–Leah and Zuleikha

Zuleikha (left) is totally wearing a SHARK HAT

Special guest Sea Creature Ally Giant Squid, Amir, talks up the transmasculine first person account of using the term Jam and ways trans people can work to become comfortable with their bodies.
“Embracing the Jam is a way to become a good Sea Creature Ally to the Femme Sharks because it’s all about loving our bodies, embracing our bodies and using humor as a way to resist.”

We debut the Cripping Femme Series with a piece by series curator, Leslie Freeman!

Tara’s Fatshion report highlights her new love for wearing red, white and blue “Now with 20% less irony!”

Featured music by Dance Yourself to Death and Athens Boys Choir!

FemmeCast: The Queer Fat Femme Podcast Guide to Life is a FREE audio newsmagazine for Queer Fat Femmes, Fatshionistas of all sexualities and Queers of all genders. Hosted by Bevin Branlandingham with a cadre of regular contributors, we’re discussing dating, fat fashion, social justice, friendships, sex, gender, tranny talk, culture, travel, community and feature new music by Queer artists. A whimsical This American Life meets a radical queer how-to novel with MTV generation timing, FemmeCast will keep listeners laughing, connected and inspired. Available for download 24/7 at Femme-Cast.com

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2009-01-10

Brian says this man was sent to me by Jesus

My roommate and I are having major apartment drama that involves a lot of work being done and the living of our lives out of bags and in a maze of our stuff. The second of the service technicians came to visit yesterday to help rectify the problem (fingers crossed).

He was a sweet man from Mexico, named Luis. He was flirtatious and asked me about my tattoo and said he wanted one. Asked me if I had a boyfriend. I replied in my way, Oh, no, I don’t. and followed up with my fictional girlfriend. I find having a fictional girlfriend lets people know you’re not interested without making them feel bad.

He chatted me up about my fictional girlfriend and we talked about a couple I know of who do the international distance from Mexico City to Brooklyn. He commented, “There must be a lot of love there!” And he flirted with me some more (apparently I look about 23 years old–no kidding he says) and I responded, “Oh Luis, if I weren’t a lesbian I’d have such a crush on you.” He then told me about his daughter who is a lesbian.

She’s in her mid-twenties and he said, “I just love her so much but I feel like I failed as a father.”

I talked to him about a lot of stuff. About how it’s a testament to how good of a father he was that she loved him enough to be honest and not hide from him. About how she probably wants all the same stuff he wants for herself (to be happy, to have a family, to be proud of who she is). And about how the best thing he can do as a father is to love her unconditionally and be open to changing his mind about things in order to love her.

He said, “I don’t know why I feel like I can tell you all this stuff–I’ve never told anyone about her, not even my brothers.” I said I’m just the kind of person people trust.

He said a couple of funny things, which was that now he can’t watch his favorite kind of porn because it’s lesbians and he thinks of his daughter and he doesn’t want to be reminded of her during those moments. I said, Luis, you have to know lesbian sex is nothing like in those movies. They are nothing at all like the sex your daughter has. It’s seriously so much different.

When prodded as to how, I said, Well, first, take a look at those nails and think of how sensitive your backdoor area [here I make a sweeping gesture to my bottom] is. Imagine how it would feel to have those nails anywhere near your parts. And also, Luis, I bet you are really good in bed–nothing that those girls do would please each other. You know that.

And he said, “Yeah. You know, I always think girls who have sex with girls probably are better with each other in bed. Because they understand each others’ bodies.”

That’s true. But what’s more true is that when people are really honest with themselves and their partners about who they are and who they love, that’s getting you so much closer to being true to yourself. The kind of lover who knows themselves, knows their body and knows what to ask for is a good lover. So gays and lesbians have an advantage in that they already had to be honest enough with themselves to say who they love, so they are already have the skill set to be better in bed.

“So how did you know that you were gay?”

Oh, well, I never even knew that there were gay people until I was 14. And then when I knew that they existed it made so much sense how I was feeling.

He also asked if I’d ever done it to a man, to which I said no because I wasn’t going to get into gender. I also sidestepped his comment about him being glad his daughters didn’t dress like a man. It’s about baby steps in intervention.

He was so sweet and talked about his daughter and how she gave him a plasma screen tv and a surround sound system for his basement theater (his dream) this Christmas. I told him to go home and call her and tell her how much he loves her. And to never be ashamed of her because him showing other people how much he loves her because she is being honest about who she is will help other people whose daughters are also lesbian.

I signed his form and he thanked me and I have to say this has been my absolute favorite moment in this hellacious apartment debacle. I hope that I helped him understand a little bit more about gays and lesbians and I hope that he’s still able to watch porn that he enjoys. It’s all about good boundaries. I reminded him. I don’t think about my mom* when I watch the Crash Pad series! ::Shudder::

*My mom is actually a lesbian but I didn’t tell Luis that.

2008-12-15

Correspondence: Greeneyes

VIA MYSPACE

—————– Original Message —————–
From: greeneyes
Date: Dec 14, 2008 10:41 PM
Subject: Please read!

Will pay women stand on me at once at crush me under their weight like a roach..

Dear Greeneyes:

When I was a Senior in college I took a Human Sexuality class and the professor said something I paraphrase below that has really stuck with me all these years:

“The first step to good sex is to know what you want, or at least know what you want to try. Then to communicate that.”

You’ve definitely done so in this missive and for that you should be commended. Congratulations for taking those first few crucial steps to having a rockin’ sex life.

Greeneyes, since your profile is private, I know limited information about you. You are 33 years old, the same age people generally cite as the age Jesus was when he died. I’ve always seen that as a big age milestone for me, on account of how, if you believe the historical accounts, Jesus totally was in ministry only 3 years and created a multiple millennial following at a relatively young age. I am about to turn 30 and am trying to set up some goals for myself. Not like, Jesus level goals or anything, but definitely finishing my novel and developing a talk show. What did you accomplish in the last three years?

Second, you are from Commack, NY, which is in the heart of Long Island. I’ve spent a lot of time in my professional life sitting in traffic driving back and forth out to Long Island, and I tell you there is no part of me that ever wants to go there for any reason whatsoever. My interest in Long Island is now exclusively as a route to the ferry to my favorite beach within driving distance of my home (Cherry Grove, Fire Island).

Third, you appear to have an extremely deep tan with orange undertones. I’m not sure if this is from a photoshop incident or you are a devotee of the tanning salon, but it’s really intense. You might benefit from a different user picture, maybe one that doesn’t have a woman’s highly manicured french tips reaching across your neck as though to inflict some sort of damage. Unless that’s the look you’re going for? Totally possible, given your message to me.

Greeneyes, I’m sorry if this is a disappointment, but I’m not a sex worker. I’m not actually sure what about my myspace profile made you think I might be a sex worker, but I can assure you I’m not. I know a lot about sex workers, since I think they rock, I’ve read a lot of great fiction and non fiction about sex workers* and support sex worker’s awareness projects.

In fact, there’s a really great one happening now I think you could support. A bunch of sex bloggers got together and did a calendar to raise funds towards Sex Worker Awareness. Clickie here. It’s only $20 and 100% of the proceeds go to benefit the cause, thanks to the generosity of a lot of sponsors. I went to their release party and it was SO fun, AND I left with a basket full of goodies.

There are only 10 more days left until Christmas, and I’m sure they’ll ship them wherever you want if you want to get them for any friends or relations not on Long Island with you.

Anyway, good luck in your search Greeneyes. Remember what my Human Sex prof said, articulation of your desire is the first step!

xoxo,

Bevin

*Among my favorites, In the Company of the Courtesan, Rent Girl, Valencia, Tipping the Velvet, Slammerkin, The Crimson Petal and the White. Also, my favorite movie is The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

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