—————– Original Message —————–
From: greeneyes
Date: Dec 14, 2008 10:41 PM
Subject: Please read!

Will pay women stand on me at once at crush me under their weight like a roach..

Dear Greeneyes:

When I was a Senior in college I took a Human Sexuality class and the professor said something I paraphrase below that has really stuck with me all these years:

“The first step to good sex is to know what you want, or at least know what you want to try. Then to communicate that.”

You’ve definitely done so in this missive and for that you should be commended. Congratulations for taking those first few crucial steps to having a rockin’ sex life.

Greeneyes, since your profile is private, I know limited information about you. You are 33 years old, the same age people generally cite as the age Jesus was when he died. I’ve always seen that as a big age milestone for me, on account of how, if you believe the historical accounts, Jesus totally was in ministry only 3 years and created a multiple millennial following at a relatively young age. I am about to turn 30 and am trying to set up some goals for myself. Not like, Jesus level goals or anything, but definitely finishing my novel and developing a talk show. What did you accomplish in the last three years?

Second, you are from Commack, NY, which is in the heart of Long Island. I’ve spent a lot of time in my professional life sitting in traffic driving back and forth out to Long Island, and I tell you there is no part of me that ever wants to go there for any reason whatsoever. My interest in Long Island is now exclusively as a route to the ferry to my favorite beach within driving distance of my home (Cherry Grove, Fire Island).

Third, you appear to have an extremely deep tan with orange undertones. I’m not sure if this is from a photoshop incident or you are a devotee of the tanning salon, but it’s really intense. You might benefit from a different user picture, maybe one that doesn’t have a woman’s highly manicured french tips reaching across your neck as though to inflict some sort of damage. Unless that’s the look you’re going for? Totally possible, given your message to me.

Greeneyes, I’m sorry if this is a disappointment, but I’m not a sex worker. I’m not actually sure what about my myspace profile made you think I might be a sex worker, but I can assure you I’m not. I know a lot about sex workers, since I think they rock, I’ve read a lot of great fiction and non fiction about sex workers* and support sex worker’s awareness projects.

In fact, there’s a really great one happening now I think you could support. A bunch of sex bloggers got together and did a calendar to raise funds towards Sex Worker Awareness. Clickie here. It’s only $20 and 100% of the proceeds go to benefit the cause, thanks to the generosity of a lot of sponsors. I went to their release party and it was SO fun, AND I left with a basket full of goodies.

There are only 10 more days left until Christmas, and I’m sure they’ll ship them wherever you want if you want to get them for any friends or relations not on Long Island with you.

Anyway, good luck in your search Greeneyes. Remember what my Human Sex prof said, articulation of your desire is the first step!



*Among my favorites, In the Company of the Courtesan, Rent Girl, Valencia, Tipping the Velvet, Slammerkin, The Crimson Petal and the White. Also, my favorite movie is The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

4 Responses

  1. you know, I am tempted to have an unsolicited semi-anonymous exchange with you on a social networking site, because you do so bring on the hilarity in these moments. this is absolute comedy gold:

    You are 33 years old, the same age people generally cite as the age Jesus was when he died…what did you accomplish in the last three years?

    uh, remind me never to get on your bad side.

    and you left with much more than a basket full of goodies, if that picture is any indication. (like uh, you left with a shirt full of goodies. um, cuz your cleavage is hot. okay, not my best line – dont’ crush me like a roach!)

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