About a month ago I ran into my friend Grace Chu and she told me that she had been celibate for nearly a year and that it has been wildly successful in terms of grounding her and focusing on her photography. She popped open her smart phone to show me an email from a huge publication asking for her to photograph something. Now, Grace Chu is all about internet anonymity of her photo, so just know that she's a hot dyke--the kind that every gay girl I knew in college would have dropped to her knees for. She's really social and has an endearing awkwardness. Also, I have totally noticed over the last year that she seems a lot more serene, grounded and happy. I checked in again with her last week and I asked if I could interview her on the occasion of her official one year of celibacy and I hope you enjoy her insights!
I have noticed in the last few months that some of my friends have been posting to Facebook and unknowingly making those posts public. I have wondered if those friends realized it, when I see the little globe icon next to their status. I don't want to assume people don't know what they're doing in terms of privacy settings, so often I don't reach out to ask. But sometimes it's pretty obvious they intend a post to be "friends-only" and it's really posting so the whole wide world can see. It's happened about a half a dozen times that the person didn't know it was public and either had a social catastrophe or just a long period of stepping back in time manually changing the settings on a bunch of statuses themselves. This post is a friendly heads-up to folks to check their default settings on Facebook and be wary of what they are putting on the internet intentionally public. Sure, this is going to be "duh" to some people, but if it saves a few of you from social catastrophe, I think that's all the better.
I've noticed my friends going through a ton of big changes lately. Huge new jobs—dream jobs. Sudden moves. Losses of many kinds. A lot of them have gotten into romances in the last few weeks–it reminds me so clearly of that time where I thought I was going to lose my friend. I'm still having to remind myself often that I've weathered these kinds of friendship changes before and it is going to be okay. I'm positive all of these big changes aren't just isolated to my friends. Since this is probably relevant to my readers, too, I thought I would do a round-up of some of the things I've learned along the way about embracing the velocity of change.
My straight BFF says she's annoyed when she gets screened for STIs because it's often as a result of a break-up and she thinks you should get banged after you get a clean bill of health, as a reward. Except you sometimes get this stuff taken care of at the end of the road because maybe you were cheated on or you realized you had some miscommunications with someone about fluid bonding and probably you should get tested for your own peace of mind. And then there's no one to bang you when it comes back clear. Just maybe a little bit of relief and an iced coffee when you don't get a call that anything is wrong.
All that is to say that people bring up thigh chafing to me all the time and I'm ever exploring ways to prevent and treat chub rub. This summer I talked about it briefly to a couple of folks and I was given the tip that this all-natural diaper rash cream called Butt Paste is great at preventing chub rub.
While I was away the August Yes Ma'am party was rescheduled to August 31st! It's Labor Day Weekend, I'm hoping some of my readers might be in town for it. Come on down and have some great dancing. It's a wonderful party with cheap delicious drinks and lots of hot queers.
Hello Brooklynites, New York Citians and other folks who might be in and around Brooklyn and wanting to hang out with the nicest, funnest, awesomest body positive crowd in New York City queer nightlife! Yes Ma'am has two amazing parties this month we're stoked to share with you! Yes Ma'am's WHAM BAM, our afternoon party (goes from 4pm-10pm) is so much fun! It's like the Noxema Commercial you never realized you were dreaming of until it came true. DJ Average Jo plays an ecclectic mix of oldies, reggae, motown, 90s hip hop, and Hall & Oates. There are beer specials and a burger special at the upcoming WHAM BAM on August 18th! All of the info is on our Facebook page. Yes Ma'am's flagship party is happening at the mansion in Bed Stuy on August 24th! Saturday night, great dance jams and really hot people. The mansion is air conditioned but we're also bringing in tons of box fans to add to the windswept Dirty Dancing dance party vibe (it's very "I carried a watermelon" and I might get Jacqueline to mix up a fresh watermelon punch situation in that spirit but I haven't talked to her or Jo or Nicky about it so this is between us, readers). All the info is on our Facebook invite!
A few weeks ago I was asked to emcee a community event that centers around inclusion of all bodies in a queer context. About a week later I was asked by one of the organizers not to emcee because they were afraid that publically aligning themselves with me would make trans women not feel welcome at the event. “You advocate for people to go to the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival” they said to me. I was surprised and hurt that this happened. An important part of my core value system is that I believe all bodies are good bodies. I feel especially moved to do work that celebrates people whose bodies are maligned in our culture--fat bodies, dis/abled bodies, bodies of color, sex worker bodies, older bodies, trans bodies and non-normative bodies of all permutations. Attacking one body is attacking all bodies. The events I produce I intend to be body positive for all. The writing I publish is meant to empower all bodies. It’s sad to think that anyone thinks that the spaces I’m in or create are not safe for trans womyn because I believe trans womyn should be welcome at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival. I believe it and I’m an outspoken proponent for inclusion, both in the intention around organizing as well as performers on stages and brought into the community fully. I think it will only make the Festival stronger and better and more wonderful.
I told Shaina about the three events and she said, "You're doing great! These things are just telling you you're on the right path! What you need to do is change your radio frequency to joy and this stuff won't affect you so hard." She explained that we vibrate on different frequencies. It's very similar to how thoughts control your life (see Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life for a great primer on the law of attraction). If you're on a dial where you think everything is against you, shift it up a few notches and vibrate on joy. Focus on happiness, silliness, playfulness, creativity.
(This post is a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)
Dear Kids:
Just talked with my friend Magaly about systemic racism and the US. It’s fun to be a former lawyer with current lawyer friends because they remind me of dormant thoughts and opinions I haven’t been interacting with.
Since the United States was born at the intersection of genocide and enslavement, the question comes up can it even be redeemed? And yet, Mags and I are both the children of immigrants who sought opportunity in this country. Mags’ folks specifically escaped communism in favor of the opportunities of the free enterprise in the United States’ capitalist system.
We wondered how to reconcile capitalism, which is so inherent in upholding systems of oppression, free enterprise opportunity and the possibility of liberation for all. This is a great video explaining how systemic racism works and how unequal access to capital affects folks generationally.
I truly believe that each human contains the seeds of ideas that bring about our collective liberation and joy. I think that we’re all born with inherent dreams, desires and delights that lead us towards what we are meant to bring about in our lifetime. I mean this across all differences, that no life comes to the mortal plane in vain.
Some folks their place in the movement is to protect the environment, some folks are here to move forward scientific advancement, some folks are here to be incredible parents and caretakers. And some folks come here to love and teach us empathy.
Following our joy is part of unlocking and fertilizing that seed. Capitalist ideas that we must “work” or “produce” in order to have value get people stuck in careers and jobs that give them no opportunity to germinate those seeds. Absent a lot of grit, determination and support, it’s really difficult to germinate seeds on the side when just running a day to day life is so time consuming. Keep us working to death so we can’t revolt.
What is happening during this time that is supporting the Great Uprising is monied folks helping to pay bills of folks who are spending their time on the front lines doing protests. It’s incredibly cool to see folks come together to resource share in order to advance a huge social agenda to dismantle racism and move forward equality.
I would love to see more folks redistributing wealth in concentrated ways. Part of what I’ve always wanted to fund with my potential future millions is an activist incubator that supports folks with strong visions with the skills they need to create sustainable movements.
Obviously systemic oppression continues to exist because it protects the interest of the 1% and anyone with a full house isn’t going to ask for a new deal. But seeing even some rich folks doing what they can to keep the momentum of the Great Uprising going is heartening.
xoxo,
Mom
This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!
(This post is a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)
Dear Kids:
Writing again towards the end of the day and not to start my day. And yet, I persist and we’ve gone one week of a daily challenge, which just means I’m moments from landing roots into when this will appear during my day.
Routine is something that has eluded me much of my life. My early career as a Real Estate Attorney (old habit to capitalize that, does it even need to be capitalized if you don’t need to “posture” like you do when you’re practicing as an attorney?) meant I was all over the NY and NJ metro areas every day. I could drive 300 miles in one day to multiple closings or, more heroically, going from deep in Brooklyn to Uptown Manhattan on a tight time schedule.
I never had routine in that job. Most of that type of career is problem solving, adapting and changing and other than regularly checking email nothing was the same from day to day.
As I’ve settled into the entrepreneurial life and I’m building a business to serve folks around their movement needs (aerobics) I have come to realize how much success is baked into a daily routine. Problem solving still comes up as a persistent need, but really I’ve noticed my true progress come from doing the same things every day to compound results.
I started that foundation when I read The ONE Thing, which also dispelled the myth of balance. There is no real balance in life and most people don’t feel particularly balanced. The things that really matter we need to attend to every single day (health, relationships, spirituality). It’s also true that small bits of effort compounded over time actually create real results.
I am about 7 months into a daily routine I set out to develop when I first moved away from Los Angeles. I was so grateful for my routine when the Corona quarantine first began because it was stabilizing. I keep up with it and continue to add to it as I need to while deleting habits that don’t serve me. Nothing feels like it’s in balance for long, something comes up and tries to disrupt and I cling to my routine and my momentum, knowing it will eventually feel more balanced again. But life is always lifing and routines serve us by allowing us to continue momentum by knowing what must be done in a day.
I was talking to one of my beloved coaching clients today about how social media is full of painful stories of reckoning with racism these days and it’s a lot to hold. I see this as using social media to collectively do shadow work–kind of like what happened with the #metoo movement. It’s a great use for social media, to connect over big ideas and share information outside of the six corporations who own all the media.
Social media is no longer where we can go to get our warm fuzzy dopamine hits and distract ourselves from what’s going on. This is beyond a marathon, this is sustained long term work that can really move forward if we routinize it. And care for ourselves!
Last year I set out to prioritize “What does my body want” as a centering question and it helps me know my self care priorities. Sometimes I can get so caught up in work that I don’t listen to my body.
I forced myself to take a dinner break because my body was saying “hungry,” and when I was up at the Lavender Queen (the name I gave to my trailer to acknowledge that it’s more like living in a boat than in a house) snipping greens to put into ramen and the Asshole in My Brain (TM) came up to tell me, “Gosh if you can’t even feed yourself on a routine how can you expect to have kids.”
If you can identify the “Asshole in My Brain (TM)” for you it helps to swiftly dispel shitty, limiting thoughts. I recognized the AIMB and I considered how balance is a myth, I’ll definitely figure out how to feed y’all and meals will all be routinized eventually by the time you show up.
xoxo,
Mom
This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!
(This post is a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)
Dear Kids:
Every tarot reading I’ve given myself in the past few months has next right action something to do with studying. I’m a lifelong learner but right now I’m deep in study. Perhaps even studying harder and more frequently than when I was in law school.
Connection is at the core–how to connect with people, how to communicate, refining my storytelling and listening skills. I’m also studying health and wellness products, Tantra, stretching modalities for trauma healing, and Grateful Dead.
Mostly those areas align with my professional goals, but the Grateful Dead thing is more of an ongoing revelation. I’m seeking to understand what it means to be a Dead Head and using Andy Cohen’s prescription for learning about the Dead one song at a time and it’s been a fabulous way to learn. It reminds me of how folks would spread the gospel of Ani DiFranco back in the mix tape era.
My current learning curves involve life, too, since I just moved into a travel trailer a month ago and so much is different in this lifestyle. I feel like there’s a new problem every day I need to learn to solve, not the least of which is continuing to organize my stuff in a smaller and smaller place. I’m getting simplified and that’s a learning curve. So is learning how to light the oven (no pilot light), not flush toilet paper and empty a “black tank” without any spillage.
I’m also streamlining my time with limited internet access. I am writing this from my mom’s art studio where I go to work until the internet service provider gets to my installation–delayed over a month due to covid quarantine.
I was used to being able to work and take care of myself at the same time. It’s been a big schedule disrupt to commute and plan ahead. I got really hangry frequently for a couple of weeks until I finally got a better handle on my schedule.
Anyway, learning curves are hard because it’s out of your comfort zone. But it’s also where life begins and our greatness unfolds. I want you to have a great example of lifelong learning in me.
Something that helps me remember to take it easy on myself when I’m frustrated about having to learn yet another new thing in order to cook a meal at home is to take a deep breath and consider, “How can I make this simpler?”
Oh, also, getting lots of sleep. Learning brains need rest and replenishment. Not playing video games, actual sleep. (I’m saying that to me.)
This time, where we’re learning how to create a new world together, is all about learning curves and leaning into the discomfort.
xoxo,
Mom
This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!