Boss Up with Bevin Your dream life is at the end of your comfort zone

2020-08-17

Cherishing early adulthood stamina

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 6:56 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

I interviewed your Aunt Rachael for my podcast today about her experience having the Corona virus. She said the worst part about it for her was all of the stress her loved ones were under being worried about her. She was in a fever haze most of the time.

Before we recorded the podcast we reminisced about epic nights out together earlier in our friendship. (In our 20s, we are both officially over 40 now.) Some of the most legendary nights of my life were in Atlanta with Rachael.

She said, “I can still go out til 3 AM but I won’t recover for two days, three if I’ve been drinking.” As much as I hate to admit it, I think I, too, had much greater stamina earlier in adulthood. I really prize getting a good night’s sleep now.

Once I realized what it was like to feel well-rested after I got laid off from my job in 2008, I could never go back to being tired all the time.

I’ve actually gone to great lengths to design a life where it’s possible for me to rest more on days I need it. Like today! Having a really hard digestion day and had to adjust what kind of work I could do.

I’m feeling really nourished by all of the fun memories I made in my early adulthood really squeezing the marrow out of life. I think one of my greatest assets in that time was having so much fun!

I was so hard working and didn’t get to have as much fun as a high schooler and early college student that once I got to going out I really made the most of it. I went to parties with DJs I liked (I can’t stand parties with bad DJs) and spent time with friends I liked and generally followed my enthusiasm. Took fun photos and made memories.

I’m not advocating hard partying or even drinking, I’m simply advocating enthusiastic adventures with friends who light you up. And enjoying late nights while you have that stamina! I’m looking forward to other seasons of my life where sunrises are something you experience after waking up not before going to bed. But wow, those nights when our socializing met the sunrise were always the sign of a fun adventure.

I love that Rach and I can still go out and adventure when I visit Atlanta, but we have a lot of self care involved now, too. And I also love that she’s making a full recovery from the Corona virus.

xoxo,

Mom

It’s been “hot” here (nothing compared to LA) and I noticed yesterday that if I lay on the forest floor it stays really cool and almost a little damp even though it’s dry. I immediately understood the life of a banana slug better.

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

2020-08-16

Cardi B is giving me hope by giving me jams

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 1:20 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

In the apocalypse days of August when the wildfires rage in California and folks lose power because of electric company lawsuit protection. When it’s hurricane season, and now Corona quarantine. Our election is looming and will it be untampered (my guess–it will be tampered with, but we must vote as though it won’t be). The US Postal Service is being defunded and questioned. So much to concern ourselves with.

However! Something that has been so life giving to me and my pals lately is Cardi B’s latest drop WAP. A collab with Megan Thee Stallion. Both of these powerhouse women are incredibly empowering and fun to dance to.

I wondered whether to share this in my “kid letters” but since the intent is that you’ll read these as an adult, and I want you to be empowered and own your sexuality no matter what it ends up being. (And knowing it can change! And that’s cool!)

And I am tickled by the idea of WAP being a classic song. In 20 years it will be! I still listen to a lot of old school Lil’ Kim and this is absolutely in that legacy of female empowerment through owning sexuality.

I could probably write a treatise for or against what WAP is doing culturally, but I don’t need to. I’m just finding joy in it, dancing to it, hearing the hook loop through my head and watching the video every day because it delights me.

We need more art that helps us come alive no matter what the outside circumstances. And I think Cardi B writes scripture.

xoxo,

Mom

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

2020-08-15

This won’t last forever

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — Bevin @ 9:34 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

Week 22 of quarantine. It feels like it’s regular life now, which is both weird and fine? I was at mom and Pat’s house tonight for dinner and they had the news on for five minutes. Long before the Corona they knew that I don’t like to watch the news.

Since Corona, they’ve both told me they consciously watch less of it. But, still, they like to watch the weather. And tonight it was on and in that five minutes some newscaster said with somber expression: “The deaths from Coronavirus by December are projected to be 300,000 or more Americans.” I remember it so specifically because it was stated in such a dire tone.

Truly, if this was a movie of this time, it’s that headline and that report that goes into the montage. Anyway, the news gets paid to freak us out.

I had a phone conversation with a friend today who asked me if Democracy was dead. I don’t think one person can undermine democracy but also everything about this time feels like science fiction. I’m so curious how the 2020 election will turn out and how the Corona resolves.

I keep my head planted in this zone where I’m certain about the future, and present and appreciative of what I can be in this moment. And staying put, sheltered in place. And deeply aware of how powerless I am over this disease and pandemic.

The other day I was listening to a successful entrepreneur talk about her experience building her business as a mother of four kids in high school and middle school. She was doing something unusual, living in a town where her kids were going to school and traveling a bunch for her business. She said, “I keep saying this won’t last forever.”

I checked the date on her talk, it was ten years ago. Her kids nowadays are grown, she was right, this didn’t last forever.

And that’s so true.

For good times and for bad times. This won’t last forever. Heartbreak. Illness. Bad attitudes. Honeymoons. Winning streaks. Always remember the power of six months. (And right now, I’m focused on the power of five years.)

xoxo,

Mom

Grandmother loved hydrangeas. My mom grows a few plants she’s gathered over the years because of Grandmother. She cut back a bush and I kept a couple of stems in water in my trailer. I adore having a vase of fresh hydrangeas and they are really lasting! I totally understand why Grandmother loved them. I love finding new ways of intimacy even after she has shuffled off the mortal coil.

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

2020-08-12

It’s okay to change careers if it doesn’t fit anymore

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — Bevin @ 9:29 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

I’ve been meeting a lot of lawyers lately at networking events. It’s rad, actually, because I used to be an attorney so it gives me a great connection point to talk about why I’m no longer a lawyer.

Today I had only 5 minutes in a Tokeativity Haus of Jane speed networking to get to know this woman, and our time was going to run out so I was very blunt.

“I’m not a practicing attorney anymore because lawyers have four times the national rate of suicide.”

It’s the truth. The more I work hard on my routines and grounding my mental health in my self care, I realize how unlikely it was for me to survive the rest of my life as a lawyer.

I also like to be transparent about making mental health and self care a priority.

Her response was priceless, “Yeah, none of my friends who are practicing are happy.”

I am so grateful that I took the leap to leave an entire career behind and figure out what I was actually here to bring to the earth. Turns out it’s Fat Kid Dance Party aerobics.

I remembered when George Floyd was murdered that my experience in criminal procedure class in law school showed me that I didn’t want to be an attorney. I had realized we were just playing chess with people’s lives and liberty as lawyers. It was gross.

But I was already halfway done with law school and I didn’t know how I’d pay off that $65,000 so I stayed in law school. I still carry $120,000 of school debt and I practiced law for almost 15 years.

I hope you never allow a scarcity mindset to dictate your life decisions. I believe you honor your commitments, but you also need to know when to change course.

xoxo.

Mom

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

2020-08-10

It’s okay to thrive

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — Bevin @ 11:58 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:
I was speaking with one of my advisors today about communicating with folks that I’m thriving in a compassionate and kind way.

I think it’s hard for folks to want to do or be something different than their peers. There’s a lot of pressure to conform–often we’re raised to believe conformity = belonging = safety. There’s an inherent need for humans to belong and connect, but I don’t think it comes from conformity. I think connection comes from seeing the human being on the other end of communication and seeking to understand their perspective.

I’m thriving but I’m nowhere close to where I want to be in my life. Thriving for me means I’m feeling a vitality, an aliveness, hope for the future, I’m following through on the commitments I’ve made to myself and my loved ones, I’m taking great care of myself.

Given how unprecedented this pandemic is and how off things are from where most folks wanted their year to be, lots of people are understandably depressed, anxious or worse. But just because that’s true for other people doesn’t mean it needs to be true for me.

I learned in Al Anon recovery that just because someone else (especially a significant other/family member) is having a bad day doesn’t mean I need to have a bad day.

I have also learned that it’s kind to express things with compassion. I don’t just holler out to someone who is going through tragedy or tough times “HEY MOFO I’M THRIVING!” But I can still express my enthusiasm for where I’m going and how I’m feeling from a genuine place instead of feeling a need to downplay. Sometimes it’s more appropriate to say it as “I’m actually doing really well emotionally now after a really tough year.”

I’ll say to you–I had the hardest year of my life in 2019. It prepared me for continued uncertainty.

I lost about a third to a half of my projected 2020 income within the space of a week. But, I have multiple sources of income and could shift my focus to that. I had strong routines. I had a lot of mental health supportive self care. I had strong leadership in my life. And now, five months into this quarantine, I feel thriving.

Anyway, I hope you never let the “crowd” tell you how to feel. I hope you dig within yourself and find a way to feel hope and optimism no matter what is going on outside of you. It’s true that it really will all be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay it’s not the end.

xoxo,

Mom

Sat in over an hour of unexpected construction/vacationer traffic today. In an area of my drive with no cell service. I used the time to practice chair dance aerobics and I can sincerely say I was having a much better time than the impatient grump behind me!

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

2020-08-09

Cheerfully adapting to what I thought I didn’t want going into 2020

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 10:12 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

I’m starting to settle into the idea that I might not travel for the next year.

It’s been seven months since the last time I traveled (January, for Spunky’s wedding, which was two months prior to quarantine). This has to be the longest I’ve gone without travel since I was in high school. And even that, I think I went camping with my girl scout troop at least four times a year. And went to camp every summer.

Kyle Cease teaches to lean into doing something different, that’s the opposite of what you usually do, in order to expand. Last year I stopped producing any content for four months, the most private I had been on the internet since I started blogging in 2002.

I learned so much about myself during that time. I think this might be the case, too.

I don’t know for sure if I won’t travel at all, but it sure seems unlikely that this virus will be under control anytime soon. I can thrive in whatever circumstances.

Maybe I’ll get an RV I can drive around in (the one I live in can’t go anywhere because I don’t have a vehicle to pull it). Maybe I’ll go someplace nearby for a day trip. I just feel like staying put is the most cautious choice and I’m in a quarantine pod with my mother. Traveling doesn’t seem like a risk worth taking.

Quarantine kind of feels like a deeper adventure than I originally contemplated as I tuck into “How long is this going to last?” It’s always with a big heap of gratitude that I get to quarantine at a place that feels like summer camp. I can even go to my mom’s art studio for arts and crafts, sometimes she and I play ping pong.

I had some really fun zooms and lives today. I taught my first chair only zoom aerobics class for my friend Chrystal’s “Fat Chat.”

Deidra hosted a 4:20 instagram live sister sesh where we got to pop in and share things the other Glowing Goddess Getaway babes might not know about us. A bunch of my friends went live with Deidra and it felt like we were all together. I miss getting together with them but Deidra and Sailene have done a remarkable job keeping the sisterhood together with their livestreams.

Community happens when we all continue to show up.

I have been studying leadership skills intensely for the past year and one thing I am working to do is cheerfully adapt to new circumstances.

It takes an emotionally mature and mentally tough person to adapt cheerfully when things don’t go their way. I had originally intended to be on the road much of this summer and that didn’t happen. The pandemic is making travel potentially lethal. I don’t really need to go anywhere. So I’ll cheerfully adapt and see what I can learn about myself staying in one place for a long time.

This is already the first home I’ve lived in where I’m completely unpacked! And it’s easier for me to keep clean.

As an aside, I’m not motivated to do laundry frequently since it involves wearing a mask in the common area laundry room. Doing laundry with a mask on is weird, it is an oddly sensory experience for me and not being able to smell my fresh clothes from the dryer is something I am missing. So much weird pandemic grief!

I hope you learn to cheerfully adapt to changing circumstances.

xoxo,

Mom

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

2020-08-07

Go slow to go far

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 12:36 am

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

Yesterday I talked about learning from failure. Today I want to talk about something that’s helped my learning process a lot. Slowing down.

When I was deep in perfectionism and people pleasing, I was really intense. Not in the best way. I would speed over connection to get to the point, I would barrel past non verbal cues and I assumed everyone out there had the same goals I did.

This doesn’t actually reflect my values–especially around diversity. Understanding and accepting that everyone is different, coming from different points of view and has different goals is really important!

This is actually very meaningful to me now as I truly believe human diversity is our strength as a species and everything that makes us different is important!

But constantly being in a rush, focused only on my point of view and not taking into consideration different communication styles or what someone was really communicating was a huge liability. 85% of job advancement is based on people skills, according to research by Stanford, Harvard and the Carnegie Foundation. Developing those I’ve realized how much slower I need to go in order to have the connections and depth with folks that my Scorpio Moon desires!

I’ve done so much study in the area of people skills and a lot of what I’ve learned is to slow down and focus on quality connection. And slowing down enables me to really learn and sift from what I go through. When I was barrelling past niceties, I was also not slowing down to evaluate.

Get clear about what’s really important in this world–relationships, and prioritize accordingly. Quality of life is on the other side of that!

xoxo,

Mom

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

2020-08-05

Fail forward

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 9:28 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is to embrace failure.

I grew up very talented at academics. I could put very little effort into things and get great results. I didn’t fail frequently, and I think that actually has made being an entrepreneur a worthy opponent.

Success looks like failure 80% of the time. I’ve learned that you’re winning no matter what as long as you don’t quit.

Either you win or you learn, which just sets you up to get to where you need to go.

In life no matter what you’ll absolutely be disappointed, treated unfairly, just plain knocked on your ass. If you choose not to learn from it, you will continue to be presented the same lessons in different circumstances until you do. So it’s just best practice to learn from it, evaluate it and get better.

I have wasted so much time being too ashamed to embrace a failure and added a lot of suffering to the pile.

This time last year I thought I was embracing failure but now I see how much more enthusiastically I embrace failure now and how differently I feel about it.

Mistakes are stepping stones. You’re going to mess up.

Your greatest fear will come to pass, and you will be okay. (A paraphrased Stevie Nicks quote.)

xoxo,

Mom

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

2020-08-04

Next year in Paris!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 9:53 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

I have not yet been to Paris. This year is so weird for someone who loves to travel and conjure places to go. I have always longed to go to Paris but haven’t even been to Europe yet.

I wish I could go back in time and beg my college aged self to go study abroad. I was barely able to afford to go to college on my maxed out student loans I had no concept of how to get to study abroad. So I never tried.

I wish I had tried! Anyway, last year I kept thinking about how at some point I was going to go on a date with someone to Paris. It’s such an ideal place for a third or fourth date. I like to dream big and it felt really possible last year.

Every now and again in quarantine I like to take myself on mental vacations somewhere when I walk on my forest path. Sometimes I pretend I’m walking along the Seine.

I don’t know how sane I sound (about walking along the Seine…) when I say that. Our imaginations are an incredible tool that can help with our mindset, attitude and overall experience of the world. Imagining places isn’t insane it’s actually a really practical mindset technique.

2020 is the year of no FOMO. There’s nothing really to miss out on, unless you feel compelled to be at every virtual gathering or conference (I don’t). I gave up experiencing FOMO when I lived in NYC. You’re never not missing out in NYC.

Today I contemplated that I’m not missing out on Paris right now. I can’t actually go (fun little meme going around showing the very few countries that are allowing US citizens to enter). No Paris FOMO, though who knows for how long.

I long to travel again but am serious about public health and staying put.

xoxo,

Mom

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

2020-08-03

Corona caution feels like something people are forgetting about

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 8:16 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

My mom told me the other day that if I was school aged she would not be sending me back to school during Corona. I feel oddly comforted knowing that, even though I’ve been out of the house for 24 years.

It’s really scary out there. I have so much compassion for folks caring for children during this quarantine. Full stop, just hard to get self care and do childcare let along work. My friends who have full time childcare in their lives or three parents caretaking are the only ones getting near enough self care and sleep.

On top of that trying to wrestle with decisions to sign death waivers about their kids in order to send them back to school. Like there’s no right answer.

I watching this IG TV with the chief of staff of Shriner’s pediatric hospital about corona and it only made me feel more secure with how cautious I feel about everything right now. Coronavirus remains a serious health risk. Just because it’s inconvenient doesn’t mean it went away.

People are going to Vegas. And then going home to their communities. Who are going to school. People are mostly getting sick from family gatherings. This is just longer and more lethal without everyone socially distancing.

Meanwhile your Aunt Rachael is recovering from Coronavirus and on the mend according to her telehealth appointment and hopefully she won’t have scary after shock symptoms like folks in NYC I know.

Things are just in constant uncertainty, no planning for the future except vague “hopefully in 2021” conversations. I actually don’t feel stressed by that. I think uncertainty has been part of my life for so long and I have a massive self care practice that keeps me pretty balanced. I do the best I can and keep moving forward with hope that the end of the movie is good.

“I’ve seen the end of the movie and we win,” is the cornerstone of my outlook and my attitude.

If you’re reading this, someday, then we did win!

xoxo,

Mom

Sunsets like this feel like a win.

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

2020-08-01

What to do if someone copies your idea

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 11:02 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

Say you have a great idea and start putting it out there. A risk that comes with the game is getting copied. (A brilliant friend asked me for my advice about this and I gave it and wanted to put it here for you.)

The place you have most control over in this situation is your mind. If you react to this kind of thing from a scarcity mindset you will be long suffering. Head to abundance instead.

Abundance means there is always enough pie to go around. If you are in scarcity mindset, everyone is fighting over one piece of pie.

An abundance mindset when you’re getting copied, is to come from a secure position. You know there’s plenty to go around. You know, in fact, that which is real can never truly be copied.

Pay it no mind, other than to receive the flattery that your idea was so good it was worthy of copying.

Let the copies fade like a neglected store window display damaged by the sun. If you are the kind of person who seeks to be 1% better every day, you are always keeping the store display fresh. You’re innovating, finding new ways to serve customers/clients. The course of your career will stand out.

There is only ever one you in the whole of humankind. If you’re creating from an authentic place, seeking to ever become better and more authentic every day, your creations will have that imprint. And your whole career has that imprint, and all of that cannot be copied.

All the time I spent talking about and worrying about other folks copying me long ago… I literally thought to myself earlier tonight, “I had too much time on my hands to pay attention to that, I shoulda put my head down and gotten back to work on myself or my business!”

And then I remembered I don’t should on myself and I know I was always doing the best I knew how at the time!

I have never worked as hard as I do now, and I’m so glad I don’t waste my time on drama. To quote BeyoncĂ©, “Always stay gracious best revenge is your paper.”

xoxo,

Mom

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

2020-07-31

Feeling like there’s not enough space and nowhere to go

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 5:54 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

I went to the grocery store today and I had a meltdown I have not had since I lived in a city–going on 8 months now. It would happen a lot in New York City the 11 years I lived there, and occasionally in Los Angeles. The meltdown is when I feel like there’s not enough space to be a person and it seems like there’s nowhere for me to “be” that isn’t “in the way.”

I have to think that thin people experience this, too, but my experience of feeling like there’s not enough space has everything to do with being fat. This happens in stores where the aisles are small, big crowds of people, restaurants that are too crowded, having wait staff hitting your chair a bunch. Basically for me, it’s feeling like there’s not enough space and nowhere for me to go.

No one in my life has ever clocked me for this but frequently if we arrive at a party together you’ll eventually find me entirely outside. My threshold for dealing with crowds has been waning steadily over the years. I remember a house party in Brooklyn (the worst for feeling like there’s anyplace to be that’s not in the way) where there were easily a hundred people crushed into a living room, a backyard that was filling up fast and the only exit through the front door via that crushing crowd.

Once I get to the point of feeling the meltdown of “there’s nowhere to be” I take deep breaths and get myself out of there. Today at the grocery store was NOTHING compared to NYC lifestyles but it stopped me from finishing my shopping. I just went right to the checkstand and started solving for next time.

I’m a fan of evaluated experience and today’s evaluation was: What factors lead to the grocery store feeling so crowded? What can I do differently?

I already make sure when I go to town I am not in a time crunch because going slow is the way to stay safer during a pandemic. I typically find a time block that I’m not already using for work and slide in there. However, Friday afternoon in a town that has a swell of population in the summer and lots of tourism is probably a popular time to go to the grocery store. I could choose to go in on a Tuesday morning. It means I can’t see clients that morning but it does mean I won’t feel boxed in or frustrated by too many people.

It used to be this feeling would land me in being frustrated about my fat body. Now that I’m of the mind that all bodies are good bodies and we take up the space we’re meant to, it didn’t even get to that for me today. I was just frustrated at the volume of people at a typically pretty chill food co-op. The problem is not a body size the problem is a world that is crowded and not built for actual human diversity.

I don’t know what wisdom I have to share from this, except to just remember what you have control over and what you don’t. That it’s okay to occasionally abandon plans when it feels like the circumstances aren’t aligning. If you develop your psychic abilities your crowd tolerance will likely wane. That you get to decide how you feel about crowds, parties, circumstances and follow your gut instincts always–I got out of that dangerous Brooklyn house party ASAP. And don’t stick around parties that don’t have enough fire exits.

xoxo,

Mom

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

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