I have used an asterisk in the title of this piece so I don’t get flagged by Zuckenberger’s robots when I share this on various social media platforms.*
A case for calling it hand sex not fingering!
A rant I have been going on for anyone who will listen since forever but recently renewed when I watched The Ultimatum: Queer Love now streaming on Netflix dot com!
There’s a plot point by the villain of the show, Vanessa. She wanted to downplay the seriousness of the sex she had with one of the other cast members by calling their sex “just fingering.” Bless her soul, the heteropatriarchy impacts each person differently and some of us try avoiding our shame by presenting a facade of overconfidence and cool detachment.
Vanessa’s portrayal as the kind of person who is so fragile and full of narcissistic shame (narcissism seems like confidence but is all shame) she twists reality around whatever is most convenient for her at the time. All of that is unskillful attempts to get our needs met, needs usually around belonging and worthiness.
Of course there is more to a person than their edited portrayal in a reality TV show. I’m using this story as a teaching point!
I think the term fingering is used because mainstream culture centers penises in sex. In fact, heterosexual mainstream sex is so boring it’s reduced to three sex acts–plug in socket sex, oral sex and anal sex. Of course some being more taboo than others.
People who actually have great sex know that there are infinite ways to have sex and they are all valid! I would define sex as anything one or more folks do for the mutual pleasure of all involved. It’s a team sport, we are working together!
I watched an interview with Garcelle Beauvais (RHOBH) on Laverne Cox’s brilliant talk show “If We’re Being Honest” (streaming on Peacock). Garcelle disclosed that she only started having good sex in her forties (after three children) because she was raised to believe that sex was about centering the pleasure of the man. She had to learn to prioritize her pleasure and confidently ask for what she wanted.
Please don’t wait until your forties to have great sex! And if you’re not having great sex yet please consider how valid and important and worthy of pleasure you are!
Hand sex is my personal favorite. I was a late bloomer (in hindsight I’m so glad I waited) and had sex for the first time at 21. I had GOOD sex for the first time at 23. The kind of sex that shows you what is possible with your one and only body.
When people say “fingering” they are indicating one maybe two digits. Intentionally minimizing what’s possible with hands in order to support a penis-centric way of thinking about sex.
Let’s remember that hands have five digits each and the vigorousness, stamina and strength one can offer with a forearm is far more than what’s possible with other appendages.
As Samantha offered in Sex and the City when she briefly dipped in the lady pond, two hands is ten dicks (please imagine me giving you jazz hands right now).
My friend, queer femme Ashley Manta the Cannasexual, offers an incredible class on Handy Sex. She is offering it in a bundle with dirty talk and butt stuff. Don’t forget that butt holes have no gender and being great at butt sex can benefit you in any relationship.
I wanted to exit the quarantine having gained some skills and I took Ashley’s hand sex class because I wanted to be better at sex even without having sex cuz I was in a period of post-divorce healing celibacy.
Forearms, in my opinion, are the sexiest part of anyone’s bodies!
I hope you choose to either educate or NOT have sex with anyone who calls it “fingering.”
P.S. We also don’t have sex with Trump supporters or TERFs. Dump your racist, homophobic, fatphobic or transphobic boyfriend! You deserve WAY better.
*Did you know if you use the term Dykes on Bikes on Zuckenberger’s platforms you will get flagged for hate speech? I made an Instagram Stories post in February waxing philosophical about how the (so-called) Washington State Ferries release the motorcycles off the ferry first. The rumble of the engines and the zooming off the ferries of the motorcycles reminds me of Dykes on Bikes in the Pride Parade. Dykes on Bikes is a real organization, a whole 501(c)(3) recognized by the IRS, and yet I was flagged for hate speech and shadow banned for three months. Hidden from all the people who actually follow me and want to hear from me!
P.S. For more on how to have great sex please check out the archives of this blog! Fat Sex Week XXL is a great place to start!
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