I’m giving away awards now. Here’s an award to my ex Seth* who gave me the Best Boundary Ever!
I figure Dundees are made up I can make up my own awards.
Seth and I were 24 when we started dating and they had a previous relationship that was a volatile. Many break-ups and reconciliations. So they said very definitively at the outset that we couldn’t break-up unless it was for real.
This boundary was awesome for us!
Seth and I were really attracted to one another. A cosmic force. Humans are attracted to their opposite. We had a lot of opposite opinions about things. So we fought!
We fought like people who were raised in environments with stubborn people. We fought like I was a third year law student and literally earned a doctorate in being able to argue any side of a fight to the win. We fought like (one of us) felt fighting was love.
But we never broke up! Anytime I was REAL MAD at Seth (frequently) I still felt very safe.
I have a really committed personality. (It’s in the stars! My Capricorn Sun, Scorpio Moon and Virgo Rising–the “big three” are the three most committed signs in the Zodiac.) So I was committed. Even though the fighting did make me bonkers it was actually kind of funny because we are both clever so sometimes our very stupid fights were funny.
Additionally I used to really need to be right. And had strong opinions about everything. I roll my eyes at how I used to be because I actually stay pretty neutral now and I’m so much more willing to change.
Plus, it takes a lot of emotional maturity to step back from a disagreement and choose peace. I like peace now. I was not emotionally mature in my 20s (or much of my 30s).
We didn’t have a lot of peace in our nearly three years together but we did have a lot of love. And that one boundary made all the difference to how bad the fighting ever got. We huffed off sometimes but we didn’t break up and it was far less anguish.
Seth did eventually break up with me! They drove all the way to Jersey City from Philly (we were long distance at the time; I moved up to NYC to start my law career and their job was still in Philly) to deliver the decision. I was sad but accepting. (More likely I was probably dramatic and accepting.)
The hilarious thing is that Seth drove up to JC six weeks later to leave me flowers and try to win me back but by then I was already rebounding** and recognized we weren’t a good long-term match.
After a dramatic post-break-up falling out we did salvage a friendship and now Seth is a lifetime cheerleader of mine. Team Sweet to Bevin. I appreciate them so much!
Last time we had a Zoom hang out they remarked, “We were never right for each other; you were always such a dreamer.” So illuminating.
I’d say now I am beyond a dreamer, I’m a visionary! And my vision for what could or should be in my life and the world is important and compelling for me. They were so right to break-up with me, as much fun as we had together.
Anyway, Seth, enjoy your well-deserved award! Someday I’ll put together a little trophy with a vintage Miss Piggy toy on top of it!
*This is a pseudonym.
**I don’t recommend a rebound! You end up paying for those feelings you avoid with interest and it really sucked for me later.
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