Bevin's Blog I'm blogging the relentless pursuit of my joy

2021-11-26

The Best Boundary Ever Award

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — Bevin @ 12:31 pm

I’m giving away awards now. Here’s an award to my ex Seth* who gave me the Best Boundary Ever!

I figure Dundees are made up I can make up my own awards.

Seth and I were 24 when we started dating and they had a previous relationship that was a volatile. Many break-ups and reconciliations. So they said very definitively at the outset that we couldn’t break-up unless it was for real.

Seth top left, me, top right. Seth designed this flier! We met through performing drag together! Our drag troupe existed before GMAIL. Or Facebook. Or MySpace! Or You Tube!

This boundary was awesome for us!

Seth and I were really attracted to one another. A cosmic force. Humans are attracted to their opposite. We had a lot of opposite opinions about things. So we fought!

We fought like people who were raised in environments with stubborn people. We fought like I was a third year law student and literally earned a doctorate in being able to argue any side of a fight to the win. We fought like (one of us) felt fighting was love.

But we never broke up! Anytime I was REAL MAD at Seth (frequently) I still felt very safe.

I have a really committed personality. (It’s in the stars! My Capricorn Sun, Scorpio Moon and Virgo Rising–the “big three” are the three most committed signs in the Zodiac.) So I was committed. Even though the fighting did make me bonkers it was actually kind of funny because we are both clever so sometimes our very stupid fights were funny.

Additionally I used to really need to be right. And had strong opinions about everything. I roll my eyes at how I used to be because I actually stay pretty neutral now and I’m so much more willing to change.

Plus, it takes a lot of emotional maturity to step back from a disagreement and choose peace. I like peace now. I was not emotionally mature in my 20s (or much of my 30s).

We didn’t have a lot of peace in our nearly three years together but we did have a lot of love. And that one boundary made all the difference to how bad the fighting ever got. We huffed off sometimes but we didn’t break up and it was far less anguish.

I have poor archives from that time but I have a handful of photos from performing days! We performed at the 9:30 club in DC! I had no idea I would become an aerobics instructor eleven years after doing a parody aerobics drag number but life has surprises!

Seth did eventually break up with me! They drove all the way to Jersey City from Philly (we were long distance at the time; I moved up to NYC to start my law career and their job was still in Philly) to deliver the decision. I was sad but accepting. (More likely I was probably dramatic and accepting.)

The hilarious thing is that Seth drove up to JC six weeks later to leave me flowers and try to win me back but by then I was already rebounding** and recognized we weren’t a good long-term match.

After a dramatic post-break-up falling out we did salvage a friendship and now Seth is a lifetime cheerleader of mine. Team Sweet to Bevin. I appreciate them so much!

Last time we had a Zoom hang out they remarked, “We were never right for each other; you were always such a dreamer.” So illuminating.

I’d say now I am beyond a dreamer, I’m a visionary! And my vision for what could or should be in my life and the world is important and compelling for me. They were so right to break-up with me, as much fun as we had together.

Anyway, Seth, enjoy your well-deserved award! Someday I’ll put together a little trophy with a vintage Miss Piggy toy on top of it!

*This is a pseudonym.

**I don’t recommend a rebound! You end up paying for those feelings you avoid with interest and it really sucked for me later.


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2013-02-04

Just Text Them: Four Text Message Ideas to Ask Your Friend to Go to the Next Level

I received the following comment to my popular blog post, Nobody Ever Died of Awkward: The Queer Fat Femme Guide to Battling Insecurity and Asking People Out:

So….you think texting is an ok way to ask a friend out or tell her you’re kinda into her? I’m a baby les and I’m terrrrrified of rejection or making a move. I’ve never done it before. I’m getting positive and negative signs from the girl I like. (she is gay and single). I just don’t want to look like a chicken s*it, but my friends are saying if she likes me it won’t matter so….. I don’t know

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A little glitter spanking between friends. Me and Fancy Feast at Rebel Cupcake. All photos by Kelsey Dickey.

Dear Queer:

The answer to your question is absolutely yes. In this day and age, just about everyone texts. Texting (and other text-based communications like email, gchat and Facebook message) is a very common way to communicate and can be a great way to do something you’re nervous about without having to look someone in the eye or feel foolish right in front of them if the answer isn’t yes. I’m actually wracking my brain to think of the last few people I’ve asked out or been asked out by and I think 90% of those were proposed via text or Facebook message. One person just told me, “I’m taking you out to dinner,” which was a bold move but luckily I wanted to go to dinner with her so I thought it was hot.

Often when asking someone out I get freaked out. A good strategy to try is to text her when you’re with a friend who can provide support, either in person or on a google video chat or whatever. As soon as you send the text get involved in a game or a TV show or something to keep your mind off whether she has texted you back yet.

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It is also helpful to remember that not everyone is ready to text you back right away. Maybe they are in class or are busy or something. And not everyone is an immediate texter. That can be really hard if you (like me) are basically plugged into your social media and texts all the time. Everyone has different relationships to these things. And, you also want to give her some space to have feelings or think about what you just asked her. Sometimes people need to adjust to a new, possibly different way of looking at an existing relationship.

Many times when asking someone out I have relied on a friend to basically write the script for me. Here is some sample language you can use to ask this lucky girl if she wants to go out with you:

SAMPLE ONE:

“Hey [Person’s Name]: I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me this weekend or next weekend?”

Very straightforward and unambiguous. Your intentions are clear. Incites a yes or no answer and allows details to be worked out later. If she isn’t free one weekend the option is available for the following weekend. If she doesn’t want to go out with you you’ll get a yes, no, or yes but not right now answer.

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SAMPLE TWO:

“I think you’re a great friend and all but I also think it would be fun if we kissed. Do you want to go on a date to check out our chemistry?”

More playful and open-ended. Less straightforward but still gets the point across. I love asking people out in creative ways. I think asking someone on a date makes them feel special. Like, “Hey I know we just ‘hang out’ all the time but I want to show you you’re special by sharing specific time together in a date way and wear my nice underwear.” Being asked on dates makes me feel special and will probably make her feel special, too.

SAMPLE THREE:

“I really appreciate our friendship but sometimes I wonder what would happen if we kissed. Do you want to find out?”

This one takes the “date” pressure out of it and just sort of puts your feelings out there without an actual end result. Sometimes asking someone out on a date is too much too soon and they just want to get used to the new style of spending time together.

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SAMPLE FOUR:

“If you asked me on a date I would say yes.”

I’ve used this clever line before* in a couple of contexts. It’s helpful because if the person you’re asking out is the type who likes to do the asking, you can let them know you’re ready when they’re ready. It’s also playful and gets the point across. Someone with whom I had already shared mutual non-platonic interest told me she wanted to see me so I tossed this gem at her in response. Because I wanted to go on dates with her and not just make out at dance parties.

Also, be prepared to have No be an okay answer. Nobody ever died of awkward and your friendship will totally bounce back from this. I have never once asked someone out who was an existing friend (or been asked out by an existing friend) and had our friendship suffer from a no answer. After a few days or a couple of weeks of letting my feelings of foolishness or embarrassment simmer down, I had so much free time available to develop crushes on new and different people. I appreciate the efficiency of just diffusing a pointless crush by asking someone out. I also appreciate my friends asking me out when they feel it come up because then I can give them an honest answer. Once I told my friend, “I’m not feeling this now because of the long distance aspect but let’s leave it open ended. We’re going to be gay for a real long time.”

Good luck with your text ask, I hope she says yet and you get properly banged if that is your desire!

*All credit for that line goes to Rachael who also was the originator of the term “Nobody Ever Died of Awkward.”

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