When I was prepping to leave Los Angeles in October 2019 I kept telling myself I could come back as often as I wanted. The savings in rent alone, going from $3K a month (plus wild Los Angeles water/electric/trash to the tune of about $350 a month) to $500 all in out here in the lesbian woods seemed like I’d have lots of money to travel back to visit all the time.
Then the quarantine hit, did to my income what it did to a lot of folks and I was just grateful to be in a beautiful place with private forest access that didn’t shut down.
The intense uncertainty of that time hasn’t ended for me, but my capacity to handle it has been incredibly fortified through consistent therapy, and spiritual / personal development.
I was finally able to return to Los Angeles for the first time since November 2019 this past July 2025 and it was what I expected it to be for me. Emotionally cathartic and spiritually deep.
Travel during a mercury retrograde can be a cluster of poop logistically. However, travel to a place with deep emotional herstory and unfinished business is benevolently assisted during a mercury retrograde. It’s a supported time for review and reflection.
A leadership development group I’m a member of switched the location of our summer seminar to Anaheim from Las Vegas and I considered just going in and out of Santa Ana. But Spirit nudged me to route my travel through Burbank (my favorite So Cal airport by a long shot) and consider doing an in person aerobics class.
I say “consider” because sometimes Spirit insists I do things and sometimes they tell me that this opportunity will unfold in a way that aligns with my desires. We all have free will choice as earth incarnated humans. My intuition has a 100% success rate, in hindsight. So, now, I listen.
Free game from the Universe just for settling my nervous system and connecting to my intuition.
When my Zoom regular Marlene attended class for the first time in awhile and I asked her if she’d attend an in person class her enthusiastic “Yes and I’ll bring a friend!” told me this was something to pursue.
I booked the dance studio, my first time teaching in a real dance studio in a long time, and put the word out.
Arriving in Burbank (early!! the travel was so seamless even with a layover!) the nostalgia was strong.
I spent so much of 2018 touring my aerobics class via that airport that it felt so natural to be wheeling that same suitcase across that same carpet.
I did not anticipate how much pet grief was going to come through during this trip. As soon as I got off the plane there was an ad with an orange and white cat. There used to be a pet clothing boutique where I would impulse buy my Shih Tzu Macy fancy robes for her golden years. I flew with her in a stroller once at that airport and it was reallllly fun shopping for her at that lil stand.
As soon as I left the airport building these two crows started hollering at me. I am a friend to all crows; Bevin, in Gaelic, means “the girl who sang so beautifully the crows stopped to listen.” This felt like a gorgeous welcome to town.
When I parked my rental car in Toluca Lake to have brunch with beloved teacher and friend Leah Garza I found a crow feather right behind my car.
Since I was early for my brunch plans I decided to just head to my old neighborhood in Eagle Rock. It felt so natural to go from Burbank back to the house I have loved the most of all the structures I have lived. The place Macy’s ashes were spread because it was also her favorite place we lived.
I started crying leaving Burbank as soon as I saw that the Jacaranda trees were blooming their sticky purple blossoms.
I deeply grieved cherry blossom season in New York City when I relented to my ex’s pressure to move with her to LA.
It didn’t occur to me there would be more frequent and diverse flowering trees all over Los Angeles. Jacarandas are my favorite!
My beloved Grandmother taught me to never park under a flowering Jacaranda because “It ruins your paint, dear.” A neighbor’s Jacaranda ruined my friend’s pool filtration system. Agents of chaos!
I was only at my old house for five minutes. The neighbors behind the house had chopped off all of the branches on their side of the ancient enormous Torrey Pine tree behind both our houses in 2019 when I was still living there. The energy of that insane mutilation jarred me at the time. I was sort of expecting the tree to fall down but I understand more about tree resilience now.
The old house looks the same but with better fencing and a bunch of rose bushes. The tree is still mutilated on the backside.
I suspect someone (my old landlord’s kids or someone who purchased from them) turned it into a two family dwelling based on the number and types of garbage bins outside.
I had a lovely brunch with Leah Garza solving all the problems of the world (not really she always leaves me with more questions than answers, her mischievous Aries face when she’s about to burst a bubble is my fav of her adorable faces.)
Leah’s been on my podcast three times, lovely thoughtful reality bending conversations.
Episode 109: What Even is Reality
Episode 133: Make the World Better by Becoming More YOU
Episode 155: Desire, Disgust and Dyads
I took my shoes off on a patch of grass, stopped to smell some gorgeous rose bushes and a guy walking by asked if I had a you tube channel. I had to pause because I don’t identify as a you tuber but actually do have a you tube channel. Lol. What an LA question.
I sat in traffic for two and a half hours to make an otherwise hour long trip to Anaheim, got to my motel and passed out.
12 hours of sleep / rest is so restorative for me especially after missing sleep. I had a wonderful seminar, got to see a bunch of people I love, these wild flying chrome green beetles and eat In N Out. During a break from the seminar I found a tree and some grass and did some stretching.
I’m grateful I’ve released the idea I should care what other people think of me moving my body in public. Grounding is such a vital part of my wellness.
Sunday I ate breakfast at Denny’s. I haven’t been to any Denny’s since my ex and I had our last conversation, a fight. My ex hated fighting in public she was so embarrassed by it. But she wanted me to sign a document promising that as soon as I make more than $200,000 a year I owe her $50,000. I’m still below the poverty line all these years after I released my law practice to follow her out to California; because I would not be manipulated that time she doesn’t get to benefit from my career transition.
It was interesting to me how Los Angeles felt different than being in Brooklyn after we broke up the first time. I had lived in Brooklyn for four years before we dated but those first five months infused so many spots haunted by the energy of our unfinished business. That break up was hard. The LA break up, after we had been engaged, was different. More like an uncomfortable awareness I had been ignoring was revealed to me.
In hindsight after a lot of therapy I can see how things were over for me as soon as my ex took my emotionally abusive boss’ side when I chose to leave the gym where I started Fat Kid Dance Party aerobics. My body clearly broke up with her long before she broke up with me. I felt emotionally unsafe with her and my brain couldn’t understand what was happening because trauma brain compartmentalizes and lies to us.
I had been curious how it would be to return to Los Angeles. It was more about me and my experience in a town that wasn’t my first choice but I fell in love with anyway.
I have missed my people and the food most of all.
Since there was no traffic coming back from Anaheim—it was just a 50 minute drive—I had time to stop for iced tea at the Dunkin by my first LA house (the one with the avocado tree, RIP).
There aren’t Dunkins near me now. Another East Coast beloved. What a miracle that it opened while I lived right there.
I walked to the park down the street from that house and visited with a tree who had spent so much time with me and Biscuit Reynolds and Macy. Boy do I miss those Muppets. I practiced my line dance for aerobics class in spite of the other people in the park.
Again, grateful I don’t care about people watching me move in public.
I taught my aerobics class. I sold enough tickets to cover the space rental and I got to dance with four folks from the early days and two new folks. It was the sweetest homecoming.
Sonya and I went to Korea town for Kimbap. (There’s a reason in Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown his first episode is Korean food in LA’s Korea town.) Kimbap Paradise looks sketchy and has a B rating from the health department but the Kimbap was delicious! Sonya got enough to enable me to taste various types and take some home. The dumplings slapped.
Four hours later we walked to Echo Park, then went to Leo’s Tacos while the sun set and they were so yummy. Iconic taco truck tacos.
Up at 5:15AM for my flight I stopped at a mom & pop donut shop for a maple bar. SOOOOO delicious. There is NOTHING that compares to California indie donut shop donuts! (Out here in the woods we mostly have grocery store donuts.) Three of my favorite LA foods within 13 hours was a delight.
This trip felt like closure? I firmly believe we create our own closure, and I didn’t feel like anything was open. But if/when I get the chance to go to LA for work opportunities, I won’t feel a need to visit my houses.
I will feel a need to eat in Korea town and get a taco from a great truck. I will probably nostalgically miss my pets, which I do every day anyway!
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