Bevin's Blog I'm blogging the relentless pursuit of my joy


Getting through insecurity

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — Bevin @ 11:37 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

Getting through insecurity is possibly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done–and I still go through it every single day.

I just interviewed my friend Trystan for my podcast and he uses this hack to rise above insecurity: Simply decide to get 1% better every day and commit to that.

When you are continuously growing it’s a relief. I choose to grow and stay committed to the daily habits that make me better. These are things like reading from success books every single day, being very mindful about what input I absorb and surrounding myself with folks who make me better.

Something that kept me from wanting to be a parent for a very long time was thinking I wouldn’t be a perfect parent. There are a lot of generational challenges, traumas and behaviors that have been passed through my family. I thought I could never overcome that.

I know now that it’s an impossible goal to expect to be perfect, but I know I can be great. I know my parents did the best they could with what they had available to them in incredibly difficult circumstances financially and emotionally. I also know that I’ve grown so much over the past 20 years of dedicated work on self love that I have no doubt I’ll continue to grow into the person I’m meant to be to be an awesome mom.

I might be great and there will be places I’m lacking. But instead of focusing on the lack, I focus on my commitment to getting better. These days my big challenges are leveling up my capacity. I’m reading books (heeey Enthusiasm Makes the Difference) and making behavior changes to get more energy. When I’m a parent I’ll pick up books that relate to those challenges and make my behavior changes as I need to.

Getting through insecurity is a snowball effect. Once you develop confidence in one area you can borrow that to level up your effectiveness in other areas. When I started to learn knitting, I used my confidence from passing the bar exam in two states to apply to my attempts. “I can totally learn how to knit lace, I did this really hard thing before.”

I rarely remind myself of the bar exam anymore for confidence because I’m actually more impressed with being willing to make behavior changes. It’s taken me 30 years to dump my procrastination habit but bit by bit I’m getting better at taking things on instead of putting them off until the last minute.

Insecurity is really being focused on what other people think. The way I combat that is by being a person I can believe in.

This is easier on some days than others! Since I don’t always believe in myself I have folks I surround myself with (friends, coaches, mentors, therapist) who believe in me on those days I don’t. It is key to have tools to use to help get you back to confidence!

I sincerely hope I’m able to raise you with confidence in your inherent value and that you can do anything you set your mind to. I know I won’t be your only influence so you’ll still deal with those, “I hope they don’t judge me” kind of thoughts.

You know what? People will judge you. And that’s about them. People won’t like you. And that’s not your job, to be liked. Your job is to be the best you that you can and to know that your value comes from within. Not from the opinions of folks who aren’t doing enough with their lives that they waste their time being judgmental and critical.



This leopard print banana slug is not insecure. It is focused on the task at hand, climbing a log.

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)


FAT SEX WEEK: Review of the Plus Size Liberator Wedge

After the success of GAY SEX WEEK on my blog in October 2011, I decided to produce FAT SEX WEEK to celebrate sex for all bodies. This is especially inspired to counteract all of the media about sex around Valentine’s Day that’s all heteronormative/couplehood-oriented/body hegemonic. It’s a week of body liberation and sex and it’s going to be really fun! Check out all of the FAT SEX WEEK magic!

(All the photos in this post are Safe For Work but the photos depict people in suggestive positions.)

When I told a friend of mine who shall remain nameless that I was planning a FAT SEX WEEK she immediately asked if I would review the Liberator Wedge for my website. Liberator sells a Plus Size Wedge and it seemed like the perfect addition to FAT SEX WEEK. I’ve been familiar with the Liberator furniture for years, they did a lounge at the Femme Mafia Masquerade in 2008.* The whole Liberator collection is incredible and luxurious.

Since the Liberator folks haven’t upgraded the Wedge photos to include plus size participants in the Wedge lifestyle, I needed to include at least one photo of plus size babes. Photo by Kelsey Dickey for Rebel Cupcake.

Making the decision to invest in a piece of furniture for sex is a giant commitment not just in cost but also in space. Brooklyn is not a place to take storage lightly, so I didn’t really ever consider a Liberator an option in my life.

I put the call out to pals to see if someone wanted to loan me one before I made the commitment of asking for a review Wedge from the kind folks at Liberator. I got enough positives from friends, including a suggestion to use it as a “reading ramp” to prop your pillows on for reading in bed. Genius storage idea won out and I asked for my own Wedge.

The Wedge, just casually laying about.

I had a few misgivings ahead of time. Number one is, why wouldn’t you just use a pillow to do what the Liberator does? I learned immediately upon receiving the Wedge that it’s not that simple, since the Liberator is made of this heavy duty foam material that’s way sturdier than a pillow but just pliant enough to be comfortable. Welcome to sex in the 21st Century! None of my fluffy pillows could possibly compete with this firm foam.

The Plus Size Wedge differs from the original Wedge in the dimensions. The original measures 24 x 14 x 7 whereas the plus measures 30 x 14 x 7. I was on it and I was glad for the extra space. I could feel firmly planted in the center of the Wedge and didn’t feel like I was falling off either side. If it was six inches smaller I would probably feel sort of insecure on it, like I might roll off. Insecurity is a total buzz kill for fat sex!

The Wedge is often marketed for its great leverage for amazing g-spot (and p-spot) stimulation. That was my favorite part. A toy that was sort of okay at g-spotting was phenomenal while on the Wedge (position: legs in the air and back on the wedge angle). The $105 investment in the Wedge is a great one when you think that how many of your sorta “Meh” toys sitting in your sex toy box will get a new life out of the new positions you can support on the Wedge.

Like many things involved in having fun sex, the Liberator Wedge requires an openness to being silly and a little planning. There is nothing “smooth” about getting onto this thing. I’ve tried it both in prepared “We’re going to try the Wedge tonight” and “Oh, we should get the Wedge!” moments. I’ll tell you, the “We should get the Wedge!” moment requires getting up and resetting the stage, which might not be the ideal for your sexual situations if you’re one of those heat of the moment hard to get revved up again people.

Also, getting onto the Wedge is sort of hilarious. I don’t have a photograph of this, but I sat on it once and almost entirely rolled into a backward somersault in a red babydoll chemise which was hilarious for my fellow wedge tester to witness and something we laughed about for a long time. But I don’t know if I could have recovered from the foolishness with a brand new partner. So be warned to settle in slowly.

This girl looks like a pin-up on the Wedge. I bet she looked really foolish settling in for this photo shoot!

My fellow wedge tester reported that her arms were significantly less tired than usual. “More bang for your buck,” she said. I laughed heartily.

The foam really holds up, it’s firm and I can easily stay in position. I think the Liberator Plus Size Wedge is totally worth the investment of money and storage space. The Plus Size Wedge comes in a ton of colors and prints, including leopard, and the microfiber cover is easily removable and machine washable. I’m seriously considering the Plus Size Ramp for my next trick.

Thanks Liberator!

*A big room full of sex furniture at a party is a pretty amazing feat, Rachael throws incredible events.

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