Taylor Swift re-recording her legendary Red album has me all in the nostalgia of nearly ten years ago.
The song Red sends me right back to a 2012 romance that is every bit driving a brand new Maserati down a dead end street.
I produced a monthly body positive queer dance party called Rebel Cupcake on second Thursdays for several years. For some reason August was a big month and the party was popping when I laid eyes on Dylan* for the first time.
My jaw might have dropped. I remember seeing her because she was very tall and easy to spot over the cluster of friends she was chatting with. I didn’t even consider my shyness (y’all I’m an ambivert, strangers can be hard for me) and walked to the group of friends and introduced myself.
The first few things I learned about Dylan were kind of unbelievable. Not that I thought she was lying but that the Goddess brought her to my party.
Let’s start with aesthetic! Preppy, tall, fat butch with glasses. A fav of mine and fully my “type” at the time.
She was super smart, had recently relocated from my hometown of choice (Atlanta) and she produced a talk show as a career job. My career goal at the time was to become a talk show host; meanwhile I was a lawyer with a nightlife side hustle.
When telling my friends about her I called her “The future Mrs. Branlandingham” since I was still using a last name back then and also she was a great candidate for a future with me.
I couldn’t believe she even existed and immediately texted Rachael asking for her info. (Queers in Atlanta know each other like that.)
Nothing happened that night but I did get Dylan’s Facebook and sent her a message inviting her to hang out with me at a party I was hosting in a couple of days.
It didn’t occur to me that she thought I was just inviting her as a party promoter and not trying to spend intentional time with her in an alcohol experience while I looked cute.
She showed up with another girl (a chubby red head—I was still mostly a redhead at the time) and made out with her in front of me.
Not quite devastating, more disappointing. It inspired me to take a month off of dating because as I told my friend Leo about this experience I could hear it echoing the previous two girls I heavy flirtation with who chose to date someone else instead. Three times in a month is a pattern and the best way to break a pattern is to change your behavior.
My month off dating was great, actually. I released all desire to date anyone and focused on self care and spending intentional time with friends. No regrets. I still made out with someone visiting from San Francisco at a party—I had declared to the Goddess if it was her will for me to connect with someone she should drop it in my lap. She did.
2012 was quite a banner year especially compared with my quiet pandemic forest life today.
I watched Dylan’s Facebook and saw her go upstate with that chubby redhead and break up shortly thereafter.
A couple weeks later she texted to ask if I was going to Hey Queen, my friends’ party and a place I frequented. I said I would see her there. I remember nothing else about that night except all of our chemistry.
One of the promoters said watching us was like watching time stand still. We danced with friends til we were just dancing alone. I was counting the heartbeats til we might kiss.
My friend DJ Meduusa was playing the late night shift. We had recently lost our friend DJ Sirlinda, and he used to play Automatic by the Pointer Sisters for me frequently. Meduusa didn’t know that we had that connection but played it plus a Stand Back by Stevie Nicks. Perfect playlist for a perfect first kiss.
I remember leaving that night setting a first date for the following Friday. Just six days! And the night before was Rebel Cupcake and she was going to try to make it!
It was October, I had been planning my outfit and the theme for months. 90210 Peach Pit After Dark theme! Kind of a diner aesthetic meets all your fav 90210 characters.
My beloved first sweetheart who is still in my life and cheering me on is a giant 90210 fan and wrote me a trivia game for the party. Learn how to receive the love people are able to give you and your relationships can evolve really beautifully.
I took a train to Philadelphia that week to pick up my costume—a giant cheeseburger! My drag dad Johnny KingPin had made it for our cheeseburger obsessed friend Jess and I was borrowing it. It was cumbersome, heavy and ridiculous. I could not believe I was going through with this outrageous costume knowing my massive crush Dylan** might be there!
I’m a pretty committed person by nature and if a suitor cannot handle my flamboyance early on there’s not a lot of hope. The show must always go on even if I look goofy when I just wanna be sexy.
Dylan and I texted during that whole train ride to Philadelphia and all week long.
So she totally showed up! And I was dressed like a giant cheeseburger and I didn’t die! (I took it off after the show and just wore my cute red dress.)
Dylan wanted to take pictures in the photo booth together with our faces touching! And when my party host responsibilities were complete we made out in the grotto at Sugarland for forever!
We parted ways with promises to see one another the very next night for our date!
I met her at a fancy farm to table restaurant in Williamsburg. Candle light! She ordered oysters as an appetizer and I don’t eat fish but I’ll try a fancy shellfish.
We were there for a long time. Talking like catching up on a lifetime. SO much in common. I found her fascinating! We made plans for the very next day to have brunch. A second date within 12 hours of the original is very lesbian timing.
She walked me to the bus stop and we made out across the street from Peter Luger’s for a long time! I still haven’t eaten there in this lifetime but that make out under the yellow streetlights is what I think about whenever I consider Peter Luger’s. You can see it from the L train when you go over the Williamsburg bridge.
The next morning I was prepping my home for brunch and she texted because she forgot that she made plans with a friend, could we reschedule.
I was gracious (ALWAYS STAY GRACIOUS) and figured we’d get something else on the books before she left for DC for work.
She got sick. We didn’t see each other. We kept texting. But then there was Hurricane Sandy and everything was topsy turvy. She didn’t text as much.
She posted those pictures of us touching faces from Rebel Cupcake on her timeline! Caption was something simple like “Bevin!”
My heart was so confused! I know now that mixed signals are a NO. Don’t try to read into anything to find a yes. The right people are a YES!
It was Autumn and I remember walking all over Brooklyn listening to Red on repeat. Dylan was my Maserati! Why can’t we just get out on the highway? I still think of her when I hear that whole album. Our slope was treacherous and I was walking around in Park Slope thinking of her.
This was the same time I was meeting Dara. Dara was not my type in any way and I didn’t even realize our first date was a date. I genuinely thought she was just “picking my brain” in exchange for taking me out for drinks.
We ended up making out but I didn’t let her go home with me. Partly because I wasn’t prepared for a visitor, I was trying not to be so much of a first date girl and I was confused and heartsick about Dylan. I remember thinking about Dylan during that make out and feeling bad that I was wasting a present moment joy by indulging my heartbreak. I still had so much to learn about grieving.
Finding Dara a cab home was nearly impossible but we did it (post Sandy Brooklyn was no gas for about three weeks and closed subway stations; chaos).
I was starting a new party the Saturday after Dylan got back from her DC business trip. I thought she’d show up to support and to see me. She texted that she might.
But she didn’t. Instead Dara showed up. This was information.
Dylan stopped texting me entirely after she didn’t show up to the party.
I got a psychic reading that week (one of my first). She told me that Dylan and I had many lifetimes together including the lost city of Atlantis. She was resistant to doing the work with me in this lifetime.
She said my next relationship would be a “dress rehearsal” for the real thing. She didn’t give me clear advice about Dylan vs Dara.
I decided to follow Rachael’s advice to “focus on the person who is focused on you” and gave Dara a shot. Our second date was really nice and she prayed before she ate which was something I wanted to start doing and she’s so smart that again the talking thing.
I think if I were to describe my sexuality queer works but truly I’m Sapiosexual–it has nothing to do with body parts and everything to do with brain.
A couple days after that date with Dara I ended up going to a show at Sara Lawrence college with a friend who texted right before “Oh yeah Dylan is coming!”
It’s a good thing nobody ever died of awkward because sitting in a backseat with the person you thought you might marry and still have so much sexual tension with…
It was clear she wasn’t trying to flirt with me anymore and I did my best to bravely be the cool girl in the friend zone. Still so confused.
Our connection was so good! Like a hot fast car you can’t take anywhere. I read recently that we become whole and complete ourselves but there’s work we can only do on ourselves in relation to someone else. I think I felt a lot of grief about the work we were going to do together?
I had dreams about her for months. Even as I started getting hot and heavy (but not exclusive) with Dara. In one of those dreams one of my other soulmates showed up as a Spirit Guide and there was some kind of closure in it. I knew at that point Dylan was gone forever.
I kept her in my observation for awhile. She dated a bunch of different people who I noticed frequently ended after the first getaway together. I wish her the best. I never felt anything bad towards her. Mostly, just confusion.
The kind of ironic thing that happened was that LONG after we didn’t date I found out she had slept with Ria, my forever crush. So two hot butches I didn’t get a chance to sleep with had sex with each other.
First of all, hot. Second of all, this was my favorite lesbian love octagon I’ve ever been part of. Third of all, I did hit on Dylan at Ria’s funeral because Ria definitely wanted people to have sex because of her. Dylan turned me down so I went home with my bestie Rachael and ate delicious food. A win.
That first round dating Dara also ended poetically, with her saying I love you for the first time as she broke up with me. (I hear that lyric in the ten minute version of All Too Well.)
After we got back together I thought the psychic had been predicting Dara round one was dress rehearsal for Dara round two. But now that Dara and I have been broken up from round two: engaygement for two and a half years and I’ve done so much studying on what makes a good marriage and strong communication I think that whole six years was a dress rehearsal for whoever is my real future Mr/Mx/Mrs Bevin.
*This is a pseudonym
**Dylan didn’t really look like Dylan McKay more like a kind football player on 90210 but it was a good gender neutral pseudonym.
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