If you’ve hung around my blog or social media for awhile you probably know that I’ve been engaged a couple of times. (For those who have been around a really long time you might remember both of those characters!)
Both times I was planning weddings I never felt super inspired to have a Bachelorette party.
Truthfully, I was wildly overwhelmed finalizing a guest list for the wedding, let alone all the sub wedding events that tradition dictates.
I got to the point on the second go-around that I was going to do an invite everyone and take RSVPs til we were at capacity and then do a wait list. I know that sounds tacky to some of you (good thing I don’t really care what people think). My friendships mean a lot to me and I know folks have weird schedules and things come up so it was the way I tried to make it easy for me and for them.
When the second wedding was called off, I thought it was a fun idea to have a bachelorette party while I was still single. When it was a party that would matter to me and a fun celebration of singlehood. And I’m pretty burnt out on being engaged and next time I’m here for a swift engagement. No bachie.
The one big vision I had when I was planning that wedding was t-shirts! I didn’t want “bride squad” shirts I wanted them to say just my name–Bevin. A little Bevin team shirt. (They exist now!)
I had originally hoped that in 2020 I would have a bunch of cute little Bachelorette parties. I was going to go on tour and try to get folks together here and there as I could. Friend reunions! Maybe get some of my pals who now use cannabis to join me at the Glowing Goddess Getaway self care retreats. For me a perfect Bachelorette weekend IS a GGG, simply because relaxation, self care and good fun make for my ideal weekend.
But 2020 happened the way it did, all tours were called off and I was left wondering if maybe I could do an online Bachelorette party. That way, everyone can come, no one has to pay to travel or take out a whole weekend. A couple of hours, some good performances and connection time felt great to me!
I know something isn’t just a passing idea but it’s really something I want to do when it feels like unfinished business. This idea popped around in my brain for over a year!
To be honest, in 2019 I actually needed a Divorce Shower* but I was too emotionally overwhelmed to ask for what I needed. So in 2021 when I was still thinking of this Online Bachelorette and facing a second pandemic June I thought it was a good time to do one.
I connected with my bestie Rachael, an event planner, community organizer and skilled at performative debauchery and we talked through the vision.
I wanted a short performance and then some hang out by the virtual campfire time. Rachael suggested I try a real online platform versus a zoom for professionalism and I happened to have a credit with EventHi an online ticketing site that has been producing tons of great online events all pandemic.
The initial performers came together pretty easily, my favorite drag king Johnny Kingpin (my drag dad from back when I did drag), my favorite performance poet Regie Cabico and my favorite sex ed instructor Ashley Manta the Cannasexual (TM) all said yes! Plus my friend Sailene was willing to do a centering meditation to kick it off and my friend Deidra was willing to do a blessing to close it out. They are both the founders of the Glowing Goddess Getaway and it felt super nourishing to have that energy in the virtual room.
I asked a few other folks to perform who had been meaningful to me during my career so far and got some no’s, but if you’re not hearing no you’re probably not asking enough.
I sent out a bunch of texts and emails to folks I love all over. I loved using EventHi because in addition to sending guest list invites to folks I could just put out the ticket link on my social media and anyone who felt like they wanted to could come through.
Is it a bummer when folks can’t come? Yes. Having planned two weddings and countless events I know that there will always be a few folks who feel essential who won’t be able to prioritize your event. You have to make the relationships more important than the event.**
Even the morning of the event my bestie Rach couldn’t make it because of internet issues. I didn’t sweat it because I just knew the event that was meant to happen would happen.
And it did! I had hired ASL interpreters because of a potential guest who needed them and even though she didn’t make it the interpreters made it really fun and performative online. I cannot recommend it enough for both accessibility and also another level of polish and fun for online events. I have an incredible ASL interpreter for Saturday Zoom Fat Kid Dance Party Aerobics and they were able to connect me to two really fun queer interpreters. Watching Ashley Manta do a pleasure based anatomy lesson with ASL interpretation was super rad.
I’m so grateful to everyone who attended and especially the first time Johnny Kingpin did a drag act in many many years. SO CUTE and fun! And if you like poetry and cookies, Regie Cabico has a Queer Cookies Cookbook out you’ll want to see.
The attendance wasn’t giant but honestly I prefer intimate events. I am comfortable on stage in front of thousands but I actually prefer parties with 10-12 folks max. I have grown to understand what I need more in this stage of my life (thank Goddess) and at the end of the event I felt so complete. Loved, connected and nurtured.
People even flirted during my party and went on a date and I love being part of creating connections. That’s a success!
I thought to myself after the event, “I’d rather have a huge turn out at Fat Kid Dance Party class than my Bachelorette! I’m glad I did it because I want someone else to feel permission to celebrate themselves unapologetically when they need it.” And I now have a video of the event to show my future spouse so they can meet my people!
The bachelorette shirts weren’t ready in time for the party but now they are! And you can buy one if you want to have Bevin emblazoned across your chest!
We can always connect socially distanced in real life or on a zoom sometime and celebrate the awesomeness of being (whether in a marriage relationship or not)!
*Divorce Showers make sense to me. When you’re getting married you’re typically combining two households. Maybe in a Bridal Shower you get stuff you want that upgrade you but when you’re divorcing you’re splitting one household into two and you actually need that stuff. And who’s in a great financial position when they’re getting divorced? I sure wasn’t. I think our society over emphasizes weddings and there’s so much pomp and circumstance for a series of events leading up to the wedding. I love pomp and circumstance but I also value relationships over events.
**My favorite definition for a Bridezilla is a bride who is making an event more important than the health of their relationships. I’m not that.
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