Cancer has claimed another amazing queer pal of mine at a young age.
Ellie Conant was a kind, magical creator of community space. Her parties (Choice Cunts, among others) were legendary in the NYC queer scene when I moved to town and I was honored to join her as a party creator. She was exciting to party with and really fun to be around. She was the kind of person who showed up and instantly made you feel like a friend. And even though maybe you never ended up grabbing that coffee together because. NYC. Busy. We saw each other in crowded bars, clubs, community events and always shared squeezes and managed to have a five minute meaningful conversation.
Photo of Ellie by Leslie Van Stelten, from this GO Magazine article about her that I loved.
I remember once we talked about how we really needed to help one another as queer party promoters and plug one another’s parties. She wanted to do a THING and get us all together and it was a brilliant idea that kind of remained in the club because we got busy.
I remember when she was ending Choice Cunts and we talked about life cycles and how much we give of ourselves as party promoters. I don’t think that people who aren’t queer cultural producers understand how much work goes into creating things. It’s not about the money for most of us. (When I was doing Rebel Cupcake I was lucky if I made $100 and once lost $400.) Queer cultural producers have an idea of how we as a community can have fun together and want to help direct that fun, bring people together and create new opportunities. It’s a joy to help people find joy.
She had a real way of acknowledging that being a party promoter was way more work than we were paid for, and I’ve worked to emulate that to other cultural producers. It was a way in which she honored the work of party creation that I really appreciated and I learned from her how to value it.
Ellie did what so many people aspire to–she changed and improved New York City.
Ellie embodied that generosity of spirit and fun shepherding. She had a gregariousness I admired and a fantastic sense of style.
She will be missed and she was spectacular. All of the loss I’ve experienced in my short life has reminded me to live life to the fullest and savor every adventure. It’s also reminded me that taking care of myself so that I can enjoy the adventures is important, too.
Ellie posted this really great quote to her Facebook wall last week.
While rooting through my photo archives for that selfie I know I took with Ellie at a random party that I can’t find, I found so many photos of my queer departed friends. Especially of Taueret, whose suicide in March I’ve still not fully processed.
I like to say this thing Glenn Marla once told me, which is “We’re all going to be gay for a real long time.” It’s a nice thing to remember when you feel like you’re not going to bang that person because they’re monogamous or the timing’s not right. But it’s cold comfort when someone passes away and you know you’re not going to have the joy of running into them again in this life.
In these moments, I feel really grateful for opening up to spirituality. It helps me out emotionally to feel that the afterlife is something awesome beyond our wildest imaginations. That our departed friends and family move into a new way of interacting with us. Dara made up an acronym when she was diagnosed with cancer called POTSA (Passing On To Something Awesome) that she insisted me and those close to us use when we talked about death.
Given how generous and friendly Ellie was in life, I have no doubt that in POTSA she is out there conspiring to create magical good times for every person she touched. The effects of her influence in human form are beyond what we can possibly know.
I really hope that her transition is peaceful and brings her excitement. I’m sending prayers for her family, her partner Melissa, and all who knew and loved her and are feeling this tremendous loss.