Boss Up with Bevin Your dream life is at the end of your comfort zone

2013-10-24

FEMME SEX WEEK: My Experience with Getting Femme Visibility on the Streets

After the success of FAT SEX WEEK and GAY SEX WEEK it only made sense to round out the trifecta with FEMME SEX WEEK. Check out the tag to see all of the entries in this topic and check back soon for more amazing Femme sex talk!

This weekend I was in front of the camera for a lifestyle shoot for the New York Toy Collective (more on their products and a behind the scenes video from the shoot later on in FEMME SEX WEEK). One of my favorite parts of a photo shoot is the chance to hang out with folks I don’t see much and meet new people with an immediate ice breaker–working together on a photo shoot.

While I was getting my make-up done somehow the topic turned to people getting picked up on the street, namely how one of the other models had been picked up on the street and on the train, in the same day, by two different femmes. One of which they ended up sleeping with. I was so impressed! It feels like an urban legend, a hot Femme just rolling up on a cute queer and making their desire known in an intentional way–AND WINNING. (Where winning, here, is both of them getting laid.)

Erica singing about sex toys. @NYToyCollective
Erica, pictured here, is singing a song about sex toys on that ukelele.

I’ve noticed over the last year or so that I have had an increase in my own queer visibility on the street. I tend to tweet about it whenever it happens because I’m usually alone and it’s so remarkable to be a Femme presenting person getting a dyke head nod or a wink on the street from a queer presenting person. It rules! It’s like that inner 20 year old in me who wore nothing but baggy Old Navy men’s clothing to appear more “andro” because I thought that’s what would get me attention from other queers is finally getting what she always wanted. To be seen.

I’m also an intrepid queer explorer so as soon as this visibility started happening to me I went into self-examination mode to determine what I was doing differently.

My dyke head nods, winks and smiles happen usually when I’m alone and lots of places I don’t expect. Especially at the intersection of Brooklyn Avenue and Atlantic Avenue, when I’m wearing no make-up and some kind of “running around”outfit, I feel like I see all kinds of masculine of center queers who give me the nod.

I delight in the queer acknowledgement and then sit back and examine what I was wearing, doing, or “coding”to be queer. I’m feeling my most authentically queer when I’m really performing my gender, and that is in a huge, over the top kind of way that I mostly only do at certain parties. (See:every Rebel Cupcake, Swoon and Hey Queen.)

Lifestyle. @tuckmayo backstage at @NYToyCollective
Me and Tuck during the photo shoot.

Then I think about my hair. Is it because I have weird, loud hair (that’s about as loud and weird as I can get away with and still be a practicing attorney)? And I see other hot Femme presenting people out in the world with loud hair but it doesn’t necessarily code them as queer.

But what I have figured out is that it’s not so much how I present it’s what I do. And it’s that I finally learned how to casually flirt with people with an eyebrow raise or a smile or a wink, which is what is eliciting this response of “I see you and I wink back.”

I spent a decade trying to figure out how to flirt and express desire. Being called “too much”or “coming on too strong” many times, I kind of put the kibash on it. And before I was “too much” I would let my fear of rejection stop me from asking people out, flirting or being at all forward with people. Up until a couple of years ago, I had no idea how to be in the middle ground. And, as in all things, expressions of desire are a balancing act.

What I’ve done is finally,, finally absorbed my own advice of “Nobody ever died of awkward,” and what Rachael was always trying to teach me about flirting. “It’s never a bad time to make someone feel good.”

Backstage at new york toy collective @NYToyCollective photo shoot.

Flirting with someone on the street is not a big deal. And I’m not talking about catcalling, harassing or yelling at someone. I’m talking about a little eye contact and a smile to say, “I see you queer and I think you’re hot.” This often goes unnoticed by the person, but sometimes it doesn’t. And I get that head nod or acknowledgement. It’s kind of like that awesome Butch/Femme “dance” dynamic that people talk about, only here it’s queer on queer and it’s just about really seeing and appreciating each other.

So as I relaxed into the understanding that expressing desire didn’t mean I was proposing marriage, that I’ve done the work on my self-esteem to know that my self-esteem doesn’t rely on other people, I have nothing to lose in thst circumstance. It’s now become a kind of reflex, I see a hot queer on the street and I do the head nod or the smile that let’s them know that I see them. And sometimes they see me seeing them!

Maybe I’ll work up to the kind of impressive work that the Femme used to pick up that hot model on the train (they are really hot, by the way). But in the meantime I’m appreciating the ways in which I’ve eroded my own feelings of Femme invisibility in this tiny way and I’m maybe brightening the day of some anonymous hot queer on the street by non-verbally acknowledging their hotness.

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FEMME SEX WEEK continues through next week with some exciting interviews, toy reviews and porn!

If my site has ever helped you get a date, learn how to love yourself more or feel at home in your body, would you consider donating? My fund drive has some really amazing prizes and I’m working to fund my art so that I can finish my memoir and keep putting the kind of energy into this blog that I love to do. For $100 you can get a laptop dance from Drae Campbell. (This prize is too hot for Go Fund Me, so donate the $100 through paypal to queerfatfemme at gmail).

2012-12-06

Queer Fashion Guide to Buying A Stylish Hat, A Guest Post by Nicky Cutler of Goorin Bros.

One of the most popular blog posts in 2010 was my Queer Fat Femme Guide to Butch Fashion where I just listed all the things I like to see on a masculine-of-center human being and I think it worked well in terms of inspiring more queersexuals to try out a two-toned cowboy boots.

I’ve been noticing how I respond to hat-wearing queers and it is usually pretty positive, so long as the hat fits well and works well on the head of the person wearing it. Often I notice that if the hat is a bad fit or shape for the person it kills the whole look. So I decided to ask my pal Nicky Cutler (co-producer of Yes Ma’am) who works for Goorin Bros. what to keep in mind when purchasing a hat.

This advice goes for folks of all genders, though I am presenting it with a special dedication to those dapper gents who wish to take their outfits to the next level. Omigoddess, a good hat. Swoon.

I love Goorin Bros. for their multi-gender styles and versatility. Their hats go up to XXL and fit big heads with big, thick hair like mine!

Thanks to Nicky for their exhaustive, empowering advice!

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Nicky Cutler, guest blogger and Goorin Bros. merchant, wearing a fedora.

Here are a few things I always ask my customers to keep in mind when shopping for a hat:

1. Have in mind what is most important to you, fashion or function?

2. What purpose is your new hat going to serve? Formal evenings, casual outings, date nights, apple picking or versatility?

3. Have an idea of shape (i.e. fedora vs cadet vs flatcap) that you envision yourself in, but then keep an open mind to try different styles.

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Yaz in a flatcap selling Victoria on some wine and a fancy floppy for Winter at the Goorin Bros. sample sale in Brooklyn.

4. For Fall and Winter, I always ask my clients about their wardrobe, but also other accessories they wear. Sometimes the hat is the last of their purchases so it is important to match the hat to their accessories (and not necessarily to their coat). No one likes to look like a crayon. Matching color of hat to the coat can be overkill. Make choices that show contrast. For example: a black peacoat looks professional and clean with a grey scarf, black leather gloves, and grey low profile. Or sometimes matching the hat to their shoes work too! Whiskey color shoes, black trench, and whiskey colored fedora.

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I totally went for this floppy for the Winter. I love that it looks like a fancy sun hat but is really warm, the brim can be popped up and it is tall enough that doesn’t violate my pompabang.

5. Dont ever model a hat to something you’ve seen in a magazine. Hats are like any other type of clothing, not all shapes will look great with all faces. Have an idea of style, but try different cuts and fabrics that might suit your shape and coloring better. For instance, the pinch on a hat should echo your jawline. More of a pinch and less of a brim, would be more suitable for a person of a narrow defined face. Less of a pinch or a wider brim hat would work well with a rounder face. There are always exceptions, of course, depending on attitude and what you feel you want to pull off.

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Tuck Mayo models a fedora.

6. If you cut and grow your hair out often, your hat will fit differently. If you’re planning to have a major hair cut, wait until after to purchase your hat to make sure it fits you nicely for right now. A haircut can sometimes mean the difference of a half- full size. With hats, as in many things in the queer world, size definitely matters!!

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Hana Malia effortlessly modeling a cloche.

7. Location where you will be wearing the hat the most. If you’re traveling from out of town, perhaps you live in Florida but are shopping in Boston in December. Chances are most of our choices will be heavy wools and fabrics that may not be comfortable to wear in hot humid weather. Make sure you choose fabrics that are suitable for your climate.

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Victoria modeling a straw cloche. Foxy, right? Great for warmer climate Winter styles.

8. Is your hat a fashion statement? Need to pair it with a specific dress or suit? Bring in, take a picture of, or wear your attire to the shop and try different looks. Different hats can change the entire look of just one outfit. For example: Jeans and a t-shirt paired with a fedora is fun and playful… maybe for going to a casual get together. But the same jeans and tshirt paired with a cadet = everyday casual dress for getting from point a to b in the big city.

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Glenn Marla in a cute cadet!

9. Make the hat your own! Personalize it – Add feathers or hat pins… Wear the hat – Don’t have the hat wear you!

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10. Set aside time to dedicate to picking out your perfect hat. Put trust in your merchant’s suggestions. Have fun and experiment! Play around. Examine the possibilities of the particular hat choice with fit and placement (i.e. tilt on the head, brim down or up, etc.)

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11. Don’t be a afraid to step out of your comfort zone.

I especially echo #11, stepping out of your comfort zone is really key style advice. Goorin Bros. hats are made in the USA and Goorin generously sponsored the 90210 trivia contest at Rebel Cupcake in October! Thanks Nicky, thanks Goorin!

For blog sponsorship opportunities, email queerfatfemme at gmail!

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