Boss Up with Bevin Your dream life is at the end of your comfort zone

2013-02-04

Just Text Them: Four Text Message Ideas to Ask Your Friend to Go to the Next Level

I received the following comment to my popular blog post, Nobody Ever Died of Awkward: The Queer Fat Femme Guide to Battling Insecurity and Asking People Out:

So….you think texting is an ok way to ask a friend out or tell her you’re kinda into her? I’m a baby les and I’m terrrrrified of rejection or making a move. I’ve never done it before. I’m getting positive and negative signs from the girl I like. (she is gay and single). I just don’t want to look like a chicken s*it, but my friends are saying if she likes me it won’t matter so….. I don’t know

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A little glitter spanking between friends. Me and Fancy Feast at Rebel Cupcake. All photos by Kelsey Dickey.

Dear Queer:

The answer to your question is absolutely yes. In this day and age, just about everyone texts. Texting (and other text-based communications like email, gchat and Facebook message) is a very common way to communicate and can be a great way to do something you’re nervous about without having to look someone in the eye or feel foolish right in front of them if the answer isn’t yes. I’m actually wracking my brain to think of the last few people I’ve asked out or been asked out by and I think 90% of those were proposed via text or Facebook message. One person just told me, “I’m taking you out to dinner,” which was a bold move but luckily I wanted to go to dinner with her so I thought it was hot.

Often when asking someone out I get freaked out. A good strategy to try is to text her when you’re with a friend who can provide support, either in person or on a google video chat or whatever. As soon as you send the text get involved in a game or a TV show or something to keep your mind off whether she has texted you back yet.

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It is also helpful to remember that not everyone is ready to text you back right away. Maybe they are in class or are busy or something. And not everyone is an immediate texter. That can be really hard if you (like me) are basically plugged into your social media and texts all the time. Everyone has different relationships to these things. And, you also want to give her some space to have feelings or think about what you just asked her. Sometimes people need to adjust to a new, possibly different way of looking at an existing relationship.

Many times when asking someone out I have relied on a friend to basically write the script for me. Here is some sample language you can use to ask this lucky girl if she wants to go out with you:

SAMPLE ONE:

“Hey [Person’s Name]: I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me this weekend or next weekend?”

Very straightforward and unambiguous. Your intentions are clear. Incites a yes or no answer and allows details to be worked out later. If she isn’t free one weekend the option is available for the following weekend. If she doesn’t want to go out with you you’ll get a yes, no, or yes but not right now answer.

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SAMPLE TWO:

“I think you’re a great friend and all but I also think it would be fun if we kissed. Do you want to go on a date to check out our chemistry?”

More playful and open-ended. Less straightforward but still gets the point across. I love asking people out in creative ways. I think asking someone on a date makes them feel special. Like, “Hey I know we just ‘hang out’ all the time but I want to show you you’re special by sharing specific time together in a date way and wear my nice underwear.” Being asked on dates makes me feel special and will probably make her feel special, too.

SAMPLE THREE:

“I really appreciate our friendship but sometimes I wonder what would happen if we kissed. Do you want to find out?”

This one takes the “date” pressure out of it and just sort of puts your feelings out there without an actual end result. Sometimes asking someone out on a date is too much too soon and they just want to get used to the new style of spending time together.

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SAMPLE FOUR:

“If you asked me on a date I would say yes.”

I’ve used this clever line before* in a couple of contexts. It’s helpful because if the person you’re asking out is the type who likes to do the asking, you can let them know you’re ready when they’re ready. It’s also playful and gets the point across. Someone with whom I had already shared mutual non-platonic interest told me she wanted to see me so I tossed this gem at her in response. Because I wanted to go on dates with her and not just make out at dance parties.

Also, be prepared to have No be an okay answer. Nobody ever died of awkward and your friendship will totally bounce back from this. I have never once asked someone out who was an existing friend (or been asked out by an existing friend) and had our friendship suffer from a no answer. After a few days or a couple of weeks of letting my feelings of foolishness or embarrassment simmer down, I had so much free time available to develop crushes on new and different people. I appreciate the efficiency of just diffusing a pointless crush by asking someone out. I also appreciate my friends asking me out when they feel it come up because then I can give them an honest answer. Once I told my friend, “I’m not feeling this now because of the long distance aspect but let’s leave it open ended. We’re going to be gay for a real long time.”

Good luck with your text ask, I hope she says yet and you get properly banged if that is your desire!

*All credit for that line goes to Rachael who also was the originator of the term “Nobody Ever Died of Awkward.”

2013-01-17

Additions to the Queer Lexicography

It’s been awhile since I updated the Queer Lexicography here at QueerFatFemme.com and I have been employing some gems in my real life lately that might apply to yours.

Textversation. This is that tendency to use texting like IMing was back in the day. (Remember AOL Instant Messenger?) Some people are more prone to this than others, but I go back and forth. Sometimes I only want to use texting for pertinent information shares, sometimes I want a meaningful conversation to continue. Also, certain couples I know are basically always in textversation with one another when not in the same room.

“We were in textversation for a solid week and then, BAM, nothing for like four days. What happened?”

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Victoria setting up Apples to Apples at my birthday party. I want to start using the Queer Lexicography words in Apples to Apples.

Sending the Representative. This is a gem my friend Mackenzi introduced to me about that thing that happens when folks don’t show you who they really are when you date them. A particularly hilarious story accompanies this term that involves a suitor who engaged her intern to burn some cds she could keep in her car that would make Mackenzi think the suitor had good taste in music. It’s such a gift when your beau is being authentic!

“We were really vibing but it turns out they were totally sending the representative and I don’t actually know them at all.”

Sex Vortex. See also Kissing Vortex. This occurs when you’re in the kind of chemical magic with another human that time either stands still or ceases to exist when you’re having sex or kissing. I’ve had this happen to me, where I lose track of time and space, and also where my frien was watching me make out with someone at a dance party and said, “Bev, it was like time was slowing down watching you two.”

“We were supposed to have dinner at 7:30 but we accidentally fell into a sex vortex at 6 and didn’t realize it until 8:30. Oops.”

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Me and Sexpert Diana Cage at my birthday party.

DTR conversation. My BFF Spunky and I have been using this for years. DTR stands for Define The Relationship and the DTR CONVO is totally important but not something to be rushed. Being okay with ambiguity is something I’ve acquired over the years (see, why I love a date not a date), after a couple of years of really intense emotional work. But, dang, before I turned 31 I would go crazy without a DTR.

“I’m not trying to have a DTR with you but I need you to not euphemize this as ‘hanging out.'”

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Speaking of, let’s talk about the euphemism “hanging out.” I “hang out” with lots of folks. Let’s say I would actually hang out with pretty much all of my facebook friends. But I only sleep with/have slept with a small number of those people. I bristle at that common euphemism because if someone says they’re hanging out with someone I don’t know if they mean just like, chilling, with a friend or if they mean they are going to be doing it.

A friend of mine recently said that about someone she was sleeping with and I said, No, be more specific and she said, “Well, this is a girl I don’t spend money on and I’m not trying to woo. What do we call that? Is that just friends with benefits?” Dear readers who know more slang than I do, is there a term out there that I’m missing? Does everyone use the term “hanging out?” What if you’re not really friends but you just do it sometimes? What if it’s like somewhere before dating? Relationships are so complicated!

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