Bevin's Blog I'm blogging the relentless pursuit of my joy


Unicorn Dick

Zoe and Tara and I decided to head to Toronto for a crazy Femme adventure and somehow fate landed us each a hottie to have as a date on NYE. Despite our burgeoning Canadian trysts, we had an amazing Femme bonding weekend*. We went to a women’s only spa called Body Blitz, lounged in their salt pools, hot tubs and saunas for a few hours for only $35 Canadian! We ate brunch, our favorite meal, every day at a new place. We got to indulge in one of our favorite activities, sexcapade redux on the road trip home, as it is rare that the three of us are getting it simultaneously.

During our trip we plotted out the details of our Golden Girls retirement home. You see, our plan is that we are each others’ life partners, and we intend to retire someplace warm (I oppose Florida because humidity is not a friend to my thick tresses) and to seal our bond we are going to adopt a new last name. This last name is an amalgamation of all of our Femme Besties’ last names put together, O’LowErlelisshamwinsonsonlee-Murphy. Rolls right off the tongue! We can’t wait for the telemarketers to get a hold of that one.

I had a big crush on the Toronto Hottie I hooked up with, who I propositioned for a make-out ahead of time with a clever Facebook message. Rendering me shy is the sure sign that I am monstrously attracted to you, and even though I’ve known Toronto Hottie for years, I’d never mustered the gumption to flirt with her and thought the Facebook proposition was the surest way to overcome my shyness.

The proposition was very well-received. She was even better, nicer, and more talented than I had thought, and we connected in a way I crossed my fingers might be more than a one night fluke. A couple of sweet text messages on my ride home, and a few dirty Facebook emails the following weekend told me the chemistry was still there. It took a week to muster up the courage to ask her for a phone date. Or rather, a week and Zoe’s Consiglierie insistence “JUST TEXT HER AND ASK”. Our phone date was the same night, three hours long, I got off the phone and my cheeks hurt from smiling.

There’s just so much to talk about and I have a lot of fun even on the phone with her. Since I’m funemployed, I’ve got a lot of extra time on my hands these days, thus much more traveling flexibility, as I can look for a job using the internet even in another country. Anyway, it didn’t take much beyond her first couple jokes of “You should come visit next week” for me to seriously ponder this as a possibility.

I debated this pretty hardcore for the better part of a day. In some ways it seemed very practical–a fact-finding mission. Did we have chemistry beyond the first date? Was she as fabulous as she seemed and was she more than just a friend? Could she make the amazing deviled eggs she promised? Naima answered the practicality for me. “Bevin, the way I see it, there is nothing more sane than traveling for good sex.”

I got further support from my friend Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha. “I completely support you traveling to the Dot** for Unicorn Dick.”

So I drove my Prius up to Toronto again and had a really great date. I learned a lot about her and had a lot of fun in all the best ways. The sex was still amazing and so was hanging out an watching our favorite movies.

The next few weeks and follow-up visit have had me thinking a lot about Unicorn Dick in the context of the Queer Fat Femme lifestyle. Anyone who has done the dating thing as a Queer Femme knows how hard it is to find someone that embodies the killer combo of personality, looks, chemistry, smarts and timing.

I asked Leah to define Unicorn Dick further, and here’s her dispatch:

“Unicorn Dick is lust and sexual skill. It also refers to the almost mythological perfect butch/trans guy cock / love / brain package that we often believe is as rare as a Unicorn Dick. When we find it, we can sometimes go insane, elevate the degree to which which value it above our life and our girls, and try to hide it / protect it / get crazy over it / everything in the world pales next to the Unicorn Dick.

This is unhealthy and is counter to the Femme Shark principle of ‘His dick is not gold plated, but you goddamn well are.'”

It’s hard to avoid a scarcity mentality when you find something you don’t come across very often. As in, you want to absorb as much as possible because you’re afraid it won’t come around very often. But it’s important to remember that if the Unicorn Dick is worth it, s/he is going to realize how crucial your besties are to you and support your priorities. Further, if you’re a badass Queer Fat Femme, you can’t become any less badass to please someone. In past relationships I usually deferred to the sensibilities of my partner because sometimes I was “too much”. I remember Zoe reminding me when I was broken up with my ex, John, how much he held me back. I’m not doing that again.

You can get excited about Unicorn Dick but you can’t let your inherent amazingness suffer. Because, ultimately, Unicorn Dick won’t hold you up the way your inner strength does or your besties do. Maybe over time, maybe when things develop Unicorn Dick becomes part of your support system–but even then it should be part of it and not everything. I know from losing the man I thought was my forever how crucial it was that I kept my friendships strong. Even when I didn’t even have the resources to get up off my kitchen floor while I was crying, I knew I could call someone to be there with me while I fell apart.*** That’s what besties are for.

The reason why my Toronto trip was so wonderful wasn’t just because I got laid or uncovered Unicorn Dick like a lusty archeological dig, it was because I was having such an amazing time with my closest friends. And you can’t let years of friendship suffer because you find something shiny.

While I remain very excited about this Unicorn Dick, I’m still letting things unfold and in a data gathering phase. I enjoy the time we spend together, am appreciative of our connection and the chance to learn more about her and have great sex when we can make time for one another. Leah calls this attitude a “Zen Buddhist slut move”. But what I’m really grateful for right now is the support of friends like Zoe. Knowing I have been having a really horrific unemployment/housing situation right now, Zoe sent me the following love letter.

“dear Bevin [a femme love letter]

sometime around spring 2002 i went to see this philly drag troupe perform and watched wistfully as all these hot [thin] femmes performed on stage alongside the kings. and i so wished to be one of them but i knew that as a fat girl, i wasn’t good enough to do so. and then you came out and you unhinged my world in … Read Morethe best of ways…

7 years later you are one of the best BFFs a girl could ask for. not only did you help me get on that stage myself (and so many wonderful, crazy, lascivious, hilarious adventures ensured), but you have been there for me through the good, the bad and the downright fucked up, steadfast in your love and loyalty.

over the past 7 years i’ve watched you grow and change and unfold unto the fucking dynamo badass force of glitter, muppety smiles, cheer, snark, wit, glamor, smarts, performance art, social hub and social change that you are. and you did so even through serious strife and hard times. i am so fucking proud of you.

one of the things that so amazes me about you is not only your ability to stay strong and positive and to focus on your joy in the midst of bullshit, but to be able to ask for help and reach out when times are hard and when you need support.

and so i just want to remind you, openly and here on facebook and for posterity, that i will always be there for you, by your side, whether it’s on stage in matchy-matchy glittery outfits, holding your hand through hard times, or being next to you on the couch, cuddled up next to you and laughing while you torture me by playing Bob Seger songs on repeat.

you are an inspiration and you are my heart.

golden girls forever.

It is my wish for all Queer Fat Femmes that they find the kind of community, love and support I’ve found with my QFF besties. It’s really the most special, magical thing you’ll ever find–even more magical than Unicorn Dick.

*We were having such a great time Anna hopped a $70 flight from NYC to join us. She did not hook up on NYE but is pretty much awash in pussy in her new social circle in Portland, though technically still single and looking for dates.

**Why do people call Toronto “T Dot”?

***This happened to me again recently, for reasons not related to romance.


Outfit of the Opening Glam Slam

Dear Fatshionistas:

I haven’t posted an OOTD* in maybe three years? But the fatshion event I was at last night was so inspirational I really needed to share. So consider this a dispatch about outfits and shopping and food and fat community.

It was the Opening Night Glam Slam for Re/Dress, the Plus Size Vintage and Resale Boutique. (During my funemployment I am a shopgirl there.)

I Femmeceed the floor show (burlesque greats World Famous *BOB*, Dirty Martini and Della Dare as well as World Class Belly Dancer Miasia performed).

While the show was amazing, the fatshion was out of this world. It was really a night about celebrating fat community and fashion at its glittery and magical collision. My besties and I decided that since we are very dedicated to reclaiming the patriotic colors of red, white and blue (now with 20% less irony, as Tara has said about the new administration) and we’ve all bought dresses in that aesthetic from Re/Dress we thought we would totally go all quintuplet.**

This is all of us with Deb, the owner of Re/Dress and the best boss I’ve had. She said at the end of the show to the audience “This is my gift to you, and I love you.”

L-R: Deb, wearing a Garo Sparo custom made corset and jacket, and Size Queen clothing bustle skirt (the designer, Bertha Pearl, was in attendance).

Zoe, Tara, myself (Bevin) in vintage finds from Re/Dress.
Muse in Stop Staring Lucille Ball Sailor wife realness
Julia in a Re/Dress vintage cheerleader dress that she borrowed from the ever-expanding collection of Tara.

This is me and Tara doing the classic Fatshionista OOTD pose in the giant mirror. My knee socks are from Torrid and shoes are old school TUK Mary Janes. Tara’s boots are Duo boots.

And because no fatshion post is complete for me without a little food added in (these curves don’t fill out themselves, you know) The World Famous *BOB* doing food performance art on our pink chaise.

And Darlinda, Just Darlinda, enjoying the remainder of the Meat Platter***, catered by local restaurant Tini Wine Bar.

Here’s Tranny Superstar Glenn Marla, modeling a dress that is a stunning purple suede situation. There were only two of them made, one went to Whitney Huston and the second was a sample for The Forgotten Woman, which was a fancy upscale boutique on the Upper East Side of Manhattan that closed some time ago. It has now made its way into the Re/Dress collection.

He is accompanied by one of our fabulous go-go dancers, Mr. Kate.

And here are the go-go dancers in a row, Darlinda Just Darlinda, Taueret (another co-worker at Re/Dress and the recently appointed Madam of Ferocity of the NYC Femme Family) and Mr. Kate. If you’ve never been to an event with Fat go-go dancers you NEED to do this. It will rock your world in all the best ways.

This is Miasia performing in one of her custom made belly dancing costumes. I love them all, but there’s a special place in Mama’s heart for leopard print.

*BOB* performed a number she has done for seven years, a typical sort of bump and grind burlesque song overlayed with lots of hateful things people have actually said to her over the years. “Are those things real?” “If you lost ten pounds I would love to design clothes for you.” “You have such a pretty face, why do you look so hard?” “I f— you from behind so I don’t have to see your face.” Among others. She said this was the first time in all of the times she’s performed it where the audience actually booed and hissed at the fat hatred.

Anyway, Fatshionistas. I was very proud to be part of such an amazing community building event, celebrating a store I feel really excited to experience on the regular.


Bevin Branlandingham

*Outfit of the Day
**Also, given the limited nature of plus size retail, it is not uncommon for us to buy the same exact outfits because you know, there are only a few retailers that make certain aesthetics in our sizes. Twinsies is a fun side effect of being fat femme besties.
***My favorite quote from last night was from a journalism student live blogging the event. “So apparently Target has plus-size tights in bright colors. I learned this from a girl by the meat platter. She’s got some cool style. She was wearing a yellow cardigan and hot pink tights.”

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