Boss Up with Bevin Your dream life is at the end of your comfort zone

2017-03-31

FAT SEX WEEK XXL: Femme Sex Chat with Catiriana Reyes AKA Miss Sparklez

Welcome one and all (who are knowingly entering into this adult-themed conversation)! This is Fat Sex Week XXL, the second edition of QueerFatFemme.com Fat Sex Week where I explore many facets of fat sex. Named for Magic Mike XXL, which was even better than the first Magic Mike, I’m hoping this edition is louder and fatter than ever before! Check this tag for all of the posts!

Y’all I had such a great conversation with my friend Miss Sparklez today for Fat Sex Week XXL! It feels so good to chat with other Queer Femmes about sex and dating, I find it a really comforting feeling of sharing perspectives and being seen and understood. Sparklez is a brilliant, talented babe. A scholar, a DJ, a Soprano opera singer and a bottom. She’s an out trans woman, queer identified, into leather but not the leather scene, of African descent and originally from Kentucky.

We talked about the leather community feeling masculine and binary, dating on OK Cupid, why telling someone they are a BBW isn’t the best line for picking up someone, and rejection resilience.

She dropped a Foucault concept during our chat and I started weeping for joy, just because I love when folks sweep from sex chat to academia and back again. Michel Foucault is a famous social theorist and philosopher that most folks know from college courses. He was also a queer man who POTSA (Passed On To Something Awesome) in one of the first wave of AIDS-related deaths.

We also learned shower douche 101. “Poop doesn’t live in your anus, it only passes through.” Learn more about identity, sex and sexuality with Sparklez!

Sparklez says in our interview, “Trans women are worth more dead than alive. We have more bio power dead than alive.” Let’s change this and amplify the voices of Black Trans Women! It starts with listening to their perspective (like this interview!) and it moves to giving opportunities for work, housing and community organizing that respects and center their needs and experiences.

I’m posting this on Trans Day of Visibility, which is a great opportunity for folks who are not of trans experience to act in solidarity with gender non conforming and trans folks. Here’s a great thing you can do to be in solidarity with folks: literally never assume someone’s pronouns.

“To be able to self select what your identity is confirming your truth to power… When someone else does that it’s taking away your power.”

Asking someone what pronoun they prefer (especially if you think you know based on looking) is a great way to make the world a little more survivable for trans folks. And if/when you screw up pronouns genuinely apologizing and working to get better. Maybe it feels awkward but you, as an ally, absorbing a little awkward to make the world easier to navigate and helping people who struggle with a lot more oppression than you do feel more at ease is a great way to repair the world.

Thanks so much to Sparklez for our fabulous interview!

Find DJ Sparklez on Mix Cloud (I love listening to mixes while I work!)

She spins at Do You Like Disco last Thursday of the month at Metropolitan Bar in Brooklyn.

Find Sparklez on Vimeo.

2015-09-21

Femme on Femme, Art and Inspiration: A conversation with GAYmous!

I wrote about the awesomeness that is GAYmous a year ago, when they released their first video (Let’s Pretend We Don’t Have) Feelings. Since then, they’ve released a new self-titled EP and we’re blessed with their newest video, Femme on Femme!

FOF_Bed-1-jpgPizza Cupcake (left) and FX Boi (right).

If poppy new wave and contemporary radically inclusive queer politics had twin babies and they came out as a spandex clad fat genderqueer femme and an LHB (stands for Long Hair Butch), that’s GAYmous. GAYmous‘ sound is reminiscent of all of the magic I loved in the 80s. Do you like You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) by Dead or Alive? Or What Have I Done to Deserve This by Pet Shop Boys? Or Venus by Bananarama? You should give GAYmous a try!

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Femme on Femme is important fat, queer art that gives us representations of fat queer femmes, including femmes of lots of gender presentations including genderqueerdo femmes, femmes of different abilities and racial diversity that is missing in a lot of media representations of queers. Its also full of crystals, glitter, bondage, great outfits (shout out to Size Queen Clothing), pizza tattoos, a queer porn star I recognized from Trouble Films, lingerie, garters, witchcraft, and the Collective Tarot. And an LHB on keyboards and servicing with popcorn and standing to the side while a femme coven does a cake bondage ritual.

I’ve written extensively about Femme on Femme action before and am super excited to see it come alive on screen in this fun and beautiful way!


Queer synth pop duo GAYmous takes you to the magical femme disco witch sex coven of your dreams as singer Pizza Cupcake seduces a sexy new witch recruit with spells, choreographed dances, and kinky rituals.

I took the opportunity to interview the genius duo about art, values and fat queer utopia.

What are your values as a band/queer artists?

Pizza Cupcake: GAYmous values unabashed queerness. We also want to create music and visuals where (gender) queer and fat people can feel seen and celebrated. We also worship at the altar of the synthesizer.

FX Boi: We want to make music that is political, sexy, and embodying. Something that opens up a dance floor. That makes people feel good, feel heard, feel sexy, and music that is very specifically queer.

What inspires you to make art?

Pizza Cupcake: I studied classical music for most of my life and even went to undergrad for vocal performance. I loved the drama of operatic singing but something was missing. I felt like I couldn’t be myself and there wasn’t space for a gender weird fat kinky queer femme in classical music. Starting GAYmous was a happy accident and I will be forever grateful to FX Boi for getting me out of my choir boy shell. It was so liberating collaborating to write original songs instead of singing German Lieder by an old dead white guy.

These days I am inspired by my friends, lovers, and community. I love taking an inside joke and turning it into a kinky queer vocabulary lesson for the masses. I was certainly inspired by your Queer Lexicon posts on your blog. I think I’m always creating art for younger me, a fat, closeted, suburban homo who was hungry for any representation.

FX Boi: I’ve been writing songs since I was 12. To me, it’s just a part of my life, always has been. It’s actually a bit of a compulsion. When I was a young rural queer, it was definitely my lifeline. I felt really isolated and would spend hours behind closed doors writing songs and attempting to create a multitrack recorder with two tape decks because I wanted to write many parts, not just vocals and guitar. Let me tell you, some of these songs were downright terrible, but they were all exercises and therapy for me. I’ve been in bands and done solo music all my life – indie rock bands, metal bands, math rock, punk bands, and now electronic music for the past decade or so after I fell in love with synthesizers and realized my palette could expand from a 5-piece rock band to an infinite number of sounds, shapes, textures and moods.

In reference to GAYmous, it’s about creating queer-specific pop music, by queers, for queers and creating spaces at shows that are specifically for queer people and queerdos. In my own solo project, Sapphic Lasers, I write songs about all sorts of things – alternative masculinities, radical butch-femme love songs, kink, celestial bodies, interrogating whiteness, being a small town country boi and jaded romantic at heart, etc.

gaymousfanartFan art from the GAYmous Facebook Page by Anna Archie Bongiovanni!

How do you carve out time to make art?

Pizza Cupcake: I’m a Gemini so I naturally get super excited about projects and then leave them all half done in tiny piles. I’ve been trying to curb this tendency my whole life and GAYmous has helped me figure out time management like a boss. I’m constantly jotting down ideas in a journal, leaving voice memos on my phone, and humming to myself. A lot of these ideas get crystallized together so I make band practice after my day job a priority. I’m also a big fan of those artist way type activities like morning pages to get all my ideas out.

FX Boi: I’m an Aries, which means I have a lot of gusto and energy. I’m very busy and time-challenged, but I make sure to make “art dates” with myself where I will work on editing, songwriting, creating. I also have found that I don’t feel balanced or healthy without carving out this time. Sometimes I squeeze in an hour or so of songwriting in between things (which often makes me late) or I dedicate a whole night or afternoon to working on things. A lot of songwriting actually happens in my head. Melodies or ideas will come to me and I’ll record them walking down the street into my phone and often get weird looks. My ridiculously talented friend, Nomy Lamm, and I actually compared voice notes on our phone once – it turns out she does the same thing! We thought it might be fun to trade phones and finish writing each other’s songs or do a compilation of these funny, fragmented voice notes. Writing GAYmous songs is usually pretty fun and seamless and collaborative with Pizza Cupcake. Whereas I often get more stuck on songs I’m writing for myself. Sometimes I just chew on a song I’m working on in my mind for a while and take it in different directions.

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What would be your idea of utopia?

Pizza Cupcake: No one ever says the phrase “good fatty” and the only trolls live under bridges. Touring internationally is cheap and easy. All the gym bros have gone missing. Dating scarcity feels doesn’t exist. Everything good feels abundant. Breakfast tacos are found everywhere not just in Texas. Femmes reign supreme. All plus size clothing is cute.

FX Boi: Capitalism, white supremacy, ableism, patriarchy, queerphobia, transphobia, fatphobia, classism, etc. comes crashing down; we destroy all clocks and use their remains to make art projects and have tons of “leisure” time to work on our passions, grow things, cook things, eat things, love people, fuck, lounge, swim, explore, feel sun on our cheeks, lay in grass, try new things, read, sleep, make things, collaborate. It’s like one, big long, eternal queer potluck/skillshare/sex and pool party. And everyone brings stuff like mac n cheese and cookies instead of kale salad. Oh and utopia has no bosses. Except #femmebosses.

gaymousepPlease throw dollars at this amazing queer band and buy their EP!!

2013-10-25

FEMME SEX WEEK: Femmes Behind the Sheets

After the success of FAT SEX WEEK and GAY SEX WEEK it only made sense to round out the trifecta with FEMME SEX WEEK. Check out the tag to see all of the entries in this topic and check back soon for more amazing Femme sex talk!

People who are not Femme are often mystified by Femmes in this kind of reverent and beguiled way. There’s some good mystery in the classic Femme tropes that even I sometimes fall under the spell of (like, “How does she get her hair to look like that?” I wonder with stars in my eyes) but I have a tag on my blog about the secret lives of Femmes for a reason–to kind of take the intimidation factor down a couple of notches.

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Weird anonymous photo series I took in Vegas.

For FEMME SEX WEEK I wanted to talk about masturbation and desire in a way that kind of pulls back the sheets on what turns Femmes on. There’s no one way to be Femme (there’s, in fact, approximately 1,467,987 ways to be Femme) so obviously there’s no one kind of sex or fantasy that turns on all Femmes.

I’ve collected a sampling from some anonymous Femme sources, some I know personally, some are friends of friends, and I’ve put them together below. They represent a cross section of race, sexuality, body size, Femme presentation and gender, with about a fifteen year spread on age. From a Latina Hard Femme Switch to a Cis White Straight Femme.

In response to the question What do you think about when you masturbate:

All sorts of things! butch & femme & genderqueer daddies punishing me for being bad, humiliation, face riding, all manner of power dynamics (locker room scenes, the overwrought trope of teacher/student, once I even thought about my boo & I playing out some kind of kinky red riding hood scene in which they were the big bad wolf & I was “fleeing” from them.. hot!). Femme on femme action: glitter, messy lipstick everywhere, those beautiful glass octopussy dildos, big heart pillows, a canopy bed. Shower sex: with those suction handcuffs! sex in a big ass clawfoot tub full of bubbles & petals sometimes rocks my self-fucking world.

I often think about a scene I want to be in. Being tied up, getting so close to coming, then not getting permission to. In my hottest masturbation sessions I’ll edge so close a few times then finally “get permission” to come in what will be a all over convulsing, feel the bottoms of my feet throb, shattering orgasm. I’ll sometimes think of a sweetie that I have a crush on and what making love to them might be like.

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What I think about when I am masturbating depends on the day and the mood. I don’t watch much porn anymore. If I am watching anything it’s medical videos which have always done the trick. I’ve always been turned on by the physiological responses of arousal, in particular. The quickening of someone’s heart – It’s something that just can’t be faked.

Without multimedia, I think of physical sensations. The tickle of coarse beard hair on my inner thigh. The drag of tightening rope against my skin. The surge of power I feel when a cock hardens in my fist. Hands all over me. Arms and chests and necks and smell, that drunk feeling I get putting my face against someone’s skin and breathing in.

Sometimes I think about what I hear too. A sharp intake of breath. The plaintive sound of a man begging, and when words disjoint themselves and turn into unintelligible sound. I love and adore and get off on the pleasure of others.

And sometimes I think about nothing at all — like a sky without clouds. Sometimes when I masturbate I am a body, not a brain. That’s the mindset I need to be in to come with a partner as well. I remember the first time a boy went down on me (my second partner, but the first one who ever cared if I had an orgasm). I was putting on a big show but I couldn’t quite get there. He stopped and looked at me, and said, “I don’t care what happens because I am enjoying myself. So don’t worry about me. Just think about you.” I stopped trying to fake it and cleared my mind completely. That was the first time I came in front of someone else and I realized the blank mind is what I do when I am alone. I have nothing to worry about and no one to perform for. It’s just me.

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My fantasies can change a lot from day to day, but I fantasize a lot about power play. Being raised Catholic, I still have a lot of mental blocks to asking for sex or making choices about what I want in the moment, as doing those things can immediately put me on a path of self-shaming (how dare I actually want sex?!) that shuts me down. So when I’m masturbating I tend toward scenarios where one player (it’s rarely “me”; I don’t actually think of my own physical body when I fantasize, instead choosing to mentally inhabit one or more characters in my fantasy) is enjoying being sexually dominated or even coerced into sex that they end up enjoying.

During the course of a fantasy, I usually switch perspectives multiple times. I may even align myself with both/all the players in quick succession, which might sound confusing, but plays out mentally a bit like some good camera work in a well made porn.

I also read a lot of fan fiction, and must admit that it has influenced my masturbatory fantasies. I’ve recently become quite enamored of tentacles, lately. They fit in well with the “you don’t want it until you’re getting it, and it’s suddenly the only thing you want” theme of my fantasies, and I love that thinking of them makes masturbating feel a bit like a sci-fi novel.

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FEMME SEX WEEK continues through next week with some exciting interviews, toy reviews and porn!

Does my artwork help you feel better in your body and more alive? I’m doing a fundraiser to help sustain my website, blogging and finishing my memoir. If you can donate at the $15 level I’ll send you a postcard with an affirmation on it! There are lots of other prizes, too, check them out here! Thank you for reading and being part of this community.

2011-10-03

Pre-Order Sissy Calendar by Elisha Lim Now!

You might freak out about your 2012 plans if you think about them now (I do), but what better way to queer up that freak out than to pre-order a subversive gender queer celebration of femininity in the form of Elisha Lim’s latest project SISSY: A 2012 Wall Calendar.

“[E}very month brave and beautiful queers talk about sequins, glitter, femininity, insults, courage, happiness and femme pride.”

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“This is about the international queer community, and models from London, Berlin, Montreal and Toronto each express their own identities, which I kept in their own words.”

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“This is also a Universal Calendar, so it doesn’t state weekdays and can be re-used to preserve special events every year.”

All pre-orders are $20 and get you a calendar, two greeting cards and you get to support an incredible, dapper, queer, talented Canadian artist.

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Photo by Quito. From L-R, Heather, Silas, Elisha in the white shirt, Bevin’s back, Nogga.

Don’t spill the beans (she doesn’t read my blog) but I’ll be buying my sissy fag identified girlfriend a copy of this calendar for Smokey Mountain Christmas or yule or whatever we’re going to celebrate.

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