Bevin's Blog I'm blogging the relentless pursuit of my joy


I Couldn’t Help But Wonder… Was I Ready to Be VAXXSEEN?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 12:40 pm
This entire post is titled from a meme. Meet my friend Gregory Littlely on my podcast!

Today I’m officially two weeks post second vaccine shot.

Collectively we are in the Second Pandemic May. It feels biblical.

I am vexed by the ethics of this time; now that I’m fully vaxxed I still feel the weight of the responsibility of being a human in a global pandemic.

First of all, incredible privilege to get to have access to the vaccine at all. I was horrified with the way the US government dealt with allowing other countries to have access to the vaccines, wanting to prioritize profit for pharmaceutical companies over human life. This is one of the many reasons why we must get money out of politics and have publicly funded elections. The donor class is killing people.

I have privilege to be able to socially distance, to work from home by design, to have running water to wash my hands, immediate access to masks when they became mandated because my mom made me some. To live proximal to my mom enough that I can quarantine pod with her and her spouse Pat but with my own space to work and rest and cook. I love having a kitchen and still haven’t eaten out at a restaurant even outdoors yet.

Staying home and social distancing was always about protecting other folks; wearing a mask helps others more than it helps you. Just because I’m vaccinated doesn’t mean I can’t still carry and incubate the Corona. The CDC says as of today the following (and it changes so much!):

“What We Know

  • COVID-19 vaccines are effective at preventing COVID-19 disease, especially severe illness and death.
  • COVID-19 vaccines reduce the risk of people spreading COVID-19.”

So while others are going to big concerts, bars, parties, traveling for fun on airplanes, I’m still here wanting to do my part. In all my frustrated ruminations about this I made a Second Pandemic April playlist. If you haven’t had a tantrum dance to Corduroy by Pearl Jam since the pandemic began, I highly recommend.

The ethics of this time are exhausting.

I am a touring artist, that’s the bulk of how I make my living. I was able to pivot and focus on my Patreon page when the pandemic shut down my tour in 2020. But now I’m trying to figure out the ethics of going to events and traveling again.

What if I incubate some Washington variant of the virus and bring it to wherever I might go? Is it just too bad so sad to folks who haven’t yet gotten access to the vaccine? Children–like this unvaccinated child under 11 years old who died in Hawaii with his vaccinated parents? Who can’t afford to get out of work to get the shot? Who are too medically fragile to get the vaccine? On immune suppressing drugs that make the vaccine less effective? Who for whatever ethical reason aren’t getting it?

I just think about what I do and how it might affect the larger whole. I don’t want to spread something that could result in someone dying if I can prevent it by mindful lifestyle choices.

I also think about the ethics of gathering people in these times. Like going to a meal at a friend’s house with a small group of adults versus a large party.

Why not keep wearing masks most of the time until the spread of the virus is under control? I look at this map from the New York Times in their daily Coronavirus briefing email about how things are going in the world; it’s Second Pandemic May and the world continues to suffer from so many things (literal war! honor killings! just in the past week!) in addition to the pandemic.

I can’t even imagine the mental and emotional gymnastics parents have been going through in the past 14 months. In person school or no? Divorced co-parent not following CDC protocols putting multiple families at risk. So much out of your control.

During my second shot symptoms (the worst of mine lasted a full 30+ hours, with about a week and a half of lymph node swelling) I took a rare couple days of binge watching TV. I watched the recent season of Sister Wives on hulu and the agony they went through being a big family split into four homes dealing with harm reduction and social distance among siblings. I felt for them! And I also remember how little information we had back then at the outset of the pandemic and how much we still don’t really know.

We had a pizza party in my neighborhood (which is more than 90% vaccinated, mostly people are over 60 here) and I was the only one wearing a mask. Outdoors, not socially distant. But–easy to be socially distant if you’re willing to be the weirdo sitting on her own at a table. And willing to get up and move to another table if someone sits too close.

I’ve been a weirdo all my life, being a weirdo who is willing to move myself within a social gathering so I can feel more aligned with my values is not that hard anymore. It’s constantly my edge to continue to not care what people think of me. I care what I think of me.

I think 2021 Summer/Fall is about PRIORITIES, CONVERSATIONS and HARM REDUCTION. My polyamorous friends have been training for this for years, they know how to have these conversations and weigh the considerations of multiple people.

I have two communities that are my high priorities and I’m choosing to attend the Glowing Goddess Getaways in person this year. Covid safe, lots of protocols. Outside. Easy to spread out. Easy to find my space. I’m willing to be a weirdo in a mask and only be near other masked weirdos. I can drive, which is important to me since I don’t yet have private plane access and flying commercial feels like a little metal test tube in the sky filled with covid from around the world.

When I have a link for virtual getaways I’ll post here, but most of the GGG announcements happen on Instagram.

In person doesn’t start until August and I’m actually really excite for the digital getaways. Creating digital community and belonging is something I’m really passionately working on for Fat Kid Dance Party Aerobics and I hope to lend what I’m learning to the GGG.

Everything could be different by August. And also what if folks lie about being vaccinated? I always end up with more questions than answers.

I want to go see my people in Atlanta. I want to be able to go and stay with my vaccinated friends in easily contact traceable ways.

Oh dear Goddess if I could private plane and go to Dollywood masked, be outdoors and stay in a cabin I would do it in a heartbeat. (I’ve gone to Dollywood in my mind so many times when life post gay divorce the past couple years has worn on me.) But I’m still not sure how any of that happens.

I wanted to share some of my thoughts because I know there are others out there thinking similar things.

“That’s great for you; not for me” is a fav new expression (thanks Myleik!) and it sums up how I’m choosing to work on my own behavior versus caring what other people do.

When I spend time having an opinion about what other people are doing I’m draining my energy from the work I’m on this planet to do. I truly, truly do not care or judge what you decide to do. But I care about your life and the worthiness of your existence and wouldn’t want to be part of a chain of disease spread that could kill you or someone you love.

I’m calling my hair Quarantine Mermaid Hair and haven’t got a cut since February 2020. I got a great hair treatment I do a couple times a week to repair split ends and it’s been keeping my hair in great condition but at some point I am going to chop. I thought it would be a “yay pandemic is over” cut but that might not be the case.


It’s okay to thrive

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — Bevin @ 11:58 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:
I was speaking with one of my advisors today about communicating with folks that I’m thriving in a compassionate and kind way.

I think it’s hard for folks to want to do or be something different than their peers. There’s a lot of pressure to conform–often we’re raised to believe conformity = belonging = safety. There’s an inherent need for humans to belong and connect, but I don’t think it comes from conformity. I think connection comes from seeing the human being on the other end of communication and seeking to understand their perspective.

I’m thriving but I’m nowhere close to where I want to be in my life. Thriving for me means I’m feeling a vitality, an aliveness, hope for the future, I’m following through on the commitments I’ve made to myself and my loved ones, I’m taking great care of myself.

Given how unprecedented this pandemic is and how off things are from where most folks wanted their year to be, lots of people are understandably depressed, anxious or worse. But just because that’s true for other people doesn’t mean it needs to be true for me.

I learned in Al Anon recovery that just because someone else (especially a significant other/family member) is having a bad day doesn’t mean I need to have a bad day.

I have also learned that it’s kind to express things with compassion. I don’t just holler out to someone who is going through tragedy or tough times “HEY MOFO I’M THRIVING!” But I can still express my enthusiasm for where I’m going and how I’m feeling from a genuine place instead of feeling a need to downplay. Sometimes it’s more appropriate to say it as “I’m actually doing really well emotionally now after a really tough year.”

I’ll say to you–I had the hardest year of my life in 2019. It prepared me for continued uncertainty.

I lost about a third to a half of my projected 2020 income within the space of a week. But, I have multiple sources of income and could shift my focus to that. I had strong routines. I had a lot of mental health supportive self care. I had strong leadership in my life. And now, five months into this quarantine, I feel thriving.

Anyway, I hope you never let the “crowd” tell you how to feel. I hope you dig within yourself and find a way to feel hope and optimism no matter what is going on outside of you. It’s true that it really will all be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay it’s not the end.



Sat in over an hour of unexpected construction/vacationer traffic today. In an area of my drive with no cell service. I used the time to practice chair dance aerobics and I can sincerely say I was having a much better time than the impatient grump behind me!

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!


Corona caution feels like something people are forgetting about

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 8:16 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

My mom told me the other day that if I was school aged she would not be sending me back to school during Corona. I feel oddly comforted knowing that, even though I’ve been out of the house for 24 years.

It’s really scary out there. I have so much compassion for folks caring for children during this quarantine. Full stop, just hard to get self care and do childcare let along work. My friends who have full time childcare in their lives or three parents caretaking are the only ones getting near enough self care and sleep.

On top of that trying to wrestle with decisions to sign death waivers about their kids in order to send them back to school. Like there’s no right answer.

I watching this IG TV with the chief of staff of Shriner’s pediatric hospital about corona and it only made me feel more secure with how cautious I feel about everything right now. Coronavirus remains a serious health risk. Just because it’s inconvenient doesn’t mean it went away.

People are going to Vegas. And then going home to their communities. Who are going to school. People are mostly getting sick from family gatherings. This is just longer and more lethal without everyone socially distancing.

Meanwhile your Aunt Rachael is recovering from Coronavirus and on the mend according to her telehealth appointment and hopefully she won’t have scary after shock symptoms like folks in NYC I know.

Things are just in constant uncertainty, no planning for the future except vague “hopefully in 2021” conversations. I actually don’t feel stressed by that. I think uncertainty has been part of my life for so long and I have a massive self care practice that keeps me pretty balanced. I do the best I can and keep moving forward with hope that the end of the movie is good.

“I’ve seen the end of the movie and we win,” is the cornerstone of my outlook and my attitude.

If you’re reading this, someday, then we did win!



Sunsets like this feel like a win.

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!


I’m starting to understand why people won’t wear masks

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 5:02 pm

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

Since my last letter I’ve really gone down the rabbit hole of curiosity trying to figure out what is causing people to be reckless about mask use and social distancing. This is my methodology as an artist, leader and healer. I get curious about something and follow those curiosities while seeking to understand.

Yesterday I went out into the world. First to the closest town, about a half hour away from my forest home. Then I drove an hour to the closest Trader Joe’s because it had been 4 months and I needed Everything But the Bagel seasoning.

Washington State’s leadership has been committed to data and science to guide their regulations and I’m so glad. We recently went to 100% mask requirement in public establishments. Which is fantastic because it helps prevent transmission.

I was standing in line at the local food Co-op waiting for the water filling station and had the opportunity to observe who tried to come into the store without a mask. Within the 20 minutes I was standing in the foyer, masked up and social distancing in line, I heard two different white women argue with the person at the door.

The person at the door was so polite when she told folks coming in without masks that they are required to have one or a face shield on in order to enter. They even provided a face shield or a mask if folks didn’t have one–free of charge.

Neither of these women was willing to wear a mask. One woman kept going on and on that she spoke to the Governor’s office and she “had their number” and the Governor said she could do what she wanted to because she’s disabled.

The woman at the front offered that someone could shop for her in the store, but the non-mask wearer refused so the woman went to get a supervisor, who took the woman outside of the store to tell her whatever she did that made the non-mask wearer give up and leave.

The second time it happened the objection was, “My mask is my immune system.” And she said, “I guess none of these people [gesturing to the masked shoppers] has an immune system.”

Wildly ignorant. I also saw a video of a third white woman at a dentist’s office refusing to get her temperature taken or wear a mask.

I am loathe to believe in binaries, but I do think that we’re in a spot in our society (at least in the US) where we’ve got folks who are masking and socially distancing and folks whose personal autonomy is more important than the effects their choices have on other people.

My friend and brilliant herbalist Colelea said that she thinks the enormity of what’s going on is greater than what people can accept. It’s kind of like not wanting to feel the pain and stubbornly refusing to understand what’s happening.

At the outset of the quarantine I felt a lot of compassion for folks in active addiction that requires being out in public like sex/love addicts, gamblers, alcoholics who go to bars. That kind of thing. Addiction is frequently about distraction from pain and being forced to be at home… there’s nowhere to go but inside.

I have to wonder if that’s the same inclination that’s getting people to break quarantine? I’ve already known folks who had folks in their quarantine pod put them in danger because they were sneaking off and tindering.

You don’t wear a mask for yourself you wear it for other people. It’s like avoiding drunk driving–obviously you’re putting yourself in danger but folks who didn’t make the choice to drive drunk don’t deserve to die because of your poor decision making.

Anyway, I have no grand answers except that what these whiny white ladies have in common is a level of panic and self-righteousness in their voices that screams to me their pain at a loss of control.

Here’s to being a “people first” person and being part of collective work so we all have a better shot at staying alive and keeping the most vulnerable around us alive.



Driving on a road trip (even to the grocery store an hour away) was a nice break, but I was super glad to go detox from people in the forest last night.

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!


I found myself craving the News lately

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Bevin @ 12:18 am

(This post is part of a series of daily letters from me to my future children reporting from the emerging paradigm.)

Dear Kids:

I stopped listening to or consuming the news in September, 2016. I had been slowly realizing that the news felt as toxic to me as I once experienced diet and weight loss ads. I think it was the swift uptick in hearing the voice of then candidate Donald Trump and the fascination with the horse race but not the actual issues of the election.

I don’t live in a special bubble with no news. I do still connect to friends and have enough smart folks in my life that the right information comes across my path. I read articles from trusted news sources if I think it will benefit me or I have curiosity. I watched the murder of George Floyd because a trusted journalist friend posted the link to CBS news.

If I really need to know something there are folks who know to directly communicate that to me.

There’s a very small percentage of the information shared on the news of something I “need” to know. In fact, there’s way more than you can possibly consume of news available and most of it is designed to scare you so they can sell more advertising.

I bring this up simply because I found myself craving news recently. Mostly about the pandemic and the mounting death tolls, the record setting days of new Corona cases many of the early re-opened states are posting. Florida’s caseload went up so much it’s more than 1,900% in a week.

I got curious about what was happening because re-opening feels so unwise. I have so much privilege to work from home, I obviously don’t have my event income which has been a hardship, but I have intentionally shifted my focus to things I can do online.

I truly wonder about the people who are going to restaurants and bars, who are partying on Fire Island and who are putting themselves and others at risk.

This is like a group project we all started and a lot of us are wondering why so many people got up from the table. I wonder do they feel invincible? Do they think this is made up? I understand people needing to go back to work and I don’t judge them, but I am really curious about the partiers. And I say this as someone who was dubbed the “Plus Size Party Girl” by Time Out New York. I get partying, I love to socialize. But not if it risks death or serious injury to me or others.

Is death not serious to people? There’s a quote that roughly goes, “Tough times create tough people, tough people create good times, good times create weak people, weak people create tough times.”

Anyway, that’s what’s on my heart today. A genuine and rare desire to consume the news to gain more understanding about what the effects are of the capricious attitudes of a few folks.

I think the majority of people are still staying home. But with talk of opening schools again in just a little over a month that feels like another spike waiting to happen.

I guess we’ll see. I’m still living my life with the optimistic attitude that I’ve seen the end of the movie and we win. If we haven’t won, it’s not the end.



Daily there is new life in the forest, and fresh decay. Nature forever teaching me about life. Spend at least as much time meditating than watching the news.

This blog is entirely supported by Patreon. Every dollar counts to making this work sustainable and maintaining the archives of this blog. Thanks to my awesome Patronus supporters (as my mom calls them) for co-creating with me!

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