Boss Up with Bevin Your dream life is at the end of your comfort zone

2013-02-22

FAT SEX WEEK: Sex Playlists and Fat Appreciation

After the success of GAY SEX WEEK on my blog in October 2011, I decided to produce FAT SEX WEEK to celebrate sex for all bodies. This is especially inspired to counteract all of the media about sex around Valentine’s Day that’s all heteronormative/couplehood-oriented/body hegemonic. It’s a week of body liberation and sex and it’s going to be really fun! Check out all of the FAT SEX WEEK magic!

(All the photos in this post are Safe For Work but there is sexual language on one of them.)

Hey friends! First of all, check out this AMAZING revisioning of the famous “Your heart is a muscle” woodcut my roommate, the talented and amazing Damien Luxe made!

Valentine by Damien Luxe

Click this link to learn about the image, the history and intention behind the piece (and to share on Tumblr if that’s your venue!!)

She showed this to me in the middle of the night the other day when I was having insomnia. It’s really gratifying to live with such a genius. Love you Damien! Thank you for all you do to make the world a more wonderful place for femmes and freaks!

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Damien! Photo by Kelsey Dickey for Rebel Cupcake.

I love listening to music, especially in the bedroom, and I don’t think any FAT SEX WEEK would be complete without some mood music!

Once upon a time I posted about my 90s R&B Automatic Make-Out playlist. I know for a fact several folks have enjoyed getting make outs from the mood it provides.

All of my playlists are made for moods and specific timing (because I tend to lose track of time easily in the bedroom). Till My Fake Eyelashes Fall Off is the most classic sex mix I have. The origin of the name is Kyla The Great saying “Can I just get a Femme to fuck me till my fake eyelashes fall off?”

For a fun quickie I use I Stand With Antoine. I also use my 90s R&B Automatic Make-Out Mix for times when a cheesy make-out is in order (and it lasts a long time and the rhythm is good, it’s also great for a party). Take Your Boots Off and Humble Me With a Fierce Heart ended up being one of the most heart-opening connected slow down sexy time mixes I’ve used.

I’m also really into cruising Spotify to find my friends’ sex mixes even if they don’t label them as such. My pal Danny posted this one under the unassuming name of a date in April and it is a great sex mix.

I have a couple of playlists on my itunes for use in certain circumstances that have classic rock on them. Classic rock is great for BDSM. (Good rhythm, sexy songs.)

Speaking of classic rock, have you ever made a whole fat positive playlist? There’s a CD for that. Here’s a link to Whole Lotta Love: An All-Star Salute To Fat Chicks.

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Abby Fantastic at Rebel Cupcake. Photo by Kelsey Dickey.

Shifting gears to talking about folks who like fat chicks…

A friend of mine asked me the other day what identity she could use to describe that she likes fat girls almost exclusively. It’s really an interesting question because sometimes having a name to identify something is really helpful. I know finding queer, fat and femme as identity labels that didn’t box me in but gave me tethers to other people like me was crucial to me developing a sense of self appreciation and love in a homophobic, fatphobic, misogynist world. What about folks who are attracted to people that our society deems unattractive?

[I think it’s also important for me to mention here that my primary sexual attraction is to fat folks, and specifically includes fat femmes.]

There’s a lot of self-loathing that can come out of people who internalize fat oppression who are attracted to fat people and date fat folks anyway. The self-loathing from being attracted to fat folks results in fucked up and controlling behaviors, and I know I can get an amen from other fatties who have gotten out of those relationships.

It is empowering to have an identity. It’s empowering to read about other folks who date fat people in spite of what society tells them is sexy or attractive. It is empowering to recognize that society tells you to be attracted to one thing and to swing your authentic preferences another way and work towards body empowerment.

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Me and my darling, amazing, friend Victoria. Photo by Kelsey Dickey for Rebel Cupcake.

What I find hard about it is that “chubby chaser” and “fat admirer” are current labels that, to me, seem to be fetishes and not appreciation. I don’t want someone to find me attractive because I’m fat or in spite of being fat. I want someone who is attracted to me because of how being fat is part of who I am and also because I’m a babe. Not because it’s a deviant sexuality to like fat girls.

I love fetishes and open sexuality but since most American women are above a size 14 doesn’t that make us not that unusual?

I’ll be real, I do the recon work before I will pursue someone to find out if they specifically like fat femmes, whatever I can find out about their relationship status and/or polyamory situation. Because, in queer masculine-privileging community lots of folks don’t date femmes OR fats and I like to do some research. This is why it is always good to keep your pals updated as to what’s going on with you romantically. And having a term for being attracted to fat folks is helpful in these terms.

What about Fat Appreciator as a term? I’ve heard other friends of mine say, “I like big girls” or “I like fat femmes” as a way of just putting it out there without an identity, but both express an appreciation for fat people (well, certain gender expressions of fat people). I actually really appreciate when whole social groups are very vocal of appreciation for fat bodies.

It’s also important that labels for fat appreciation are also sensitive to the fact that all people have bodies and it’s not about privileging one type of body over another, but it is a way of giving some love and attention to a type of body that is not privileged in our fatphobic society.

So, now that FAT SEX WEEK is winding down, dear readers, I’d love to find out what you think. Should we stick to just euphamizing adoration of the rubenesque form or should there be a word that reclaims the adoration of fat bodies from a fetish context? Add a comment below and let me know what you think!

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Me and Fancy Feast being fat witches at Rebel Cupcake. Photo by Kelsey Dickey.

2011-12-27

I Made A Playlist For You So You Can Get Make Outs

Oh, dear readers, I had such a wonderful and peaceful holiday weekend. I hope you did as well.

I’ve also been getting some really incredible fan letters lately. I am so grateful that my blog and podcast and tea basket episodes bring so many people joy. I try to write everyone back, but if I’ve missed it thank you very much for your kind words. And to everyone, thanks for reading! It is so nice to have such an incredible audience.

I made a little end of the year playlist to say thank you and hopefully get some more people laid. My tips on how to find people to have gay sex with you actually worked for the person who asked the advice from the post already, so hopefully it will work for you, too.

This playlist is called 90s R&B Automatic Make Out Music and celebrates R&B from the 90s, that golden era of grind* when I first learned how to make-out. I feel that this is the perfect kind of music to get your party going. It’s dancey but doesn’t require dancing. It’s good chat while maintaining a rhythmic bounce sort of music and it’s also the tipping point for any conversation that could go to the make-out place to actually go to the make-out place. Before each Rebel Cupcake I have the DJ play a mix of 90s R&B and riot grrrl favorites and I have seen many pre-11PM dance party make-outs/bumps & grinds. Dim the lights and experiment with this playlist. You’ll be hosting a make out party in no time.

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My friends went to great lengths to coordinate the creation of this surprise cake for my birthday. A hearty thank you to Sarah Jenny, Heather and crew, and to Andre and his helpers for baking and decorating it.

The playlist requires Spotify, which is free and easy to use and contains most of the songs you might want to listen to at any time. I found Spotify daunting at first but as more of my friends used it to share playlists with each other and spy on their music listening habits I thought it was fun and embraced it.

Clickie here for the playlist.

I am back this week with a cool new blog benefactor and the remainder of the great GAY SEX WEEK that was thwarted by my insane flu of October 2011.

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(This is the same coffee cup my mom had in the 80s. Found again at Sarah Jenny & Damien’s house.)

*Hat tip to the dandy who bestowed that turn of phrase unto me. You’ve got the poetry, I’ve got the prose.

2011-04-20

I Made This Playlist For You

Hi friends. Sometimes I am doing something fun and I think “I should blog this!” And then I remember halfway through a post that it takes me a long time to finish posts. I’m brewing several good ones, including a swimsuit round-up I think you’ll enjoy. Soon.

In the meantime I often think to myself “I want to make a mix tape for my readers.” I love making mixes for people, as anyone who has ever been courted by me can attest.* I don’t have any serious romantic crush objects right now, which is unusual, and instead I have all these other crushes on stuff and things. Like this platonic blog crush on a blogger I have almost nothing in common with but love her outlook on life, photography and way with words. I keep talking about her at work and the Shop Girls are all “You have a platonic blog crush!” She has a playlist that autoplays on her blog and I thought it was cool. Like she made a mix tape for her blog readers.

So I made you one. Just some songs. To get you through the fact that it’s still snowing in April in some parts. I thought about adding the Prince song about April snow but it was more of a bummer than I wanted. So here it is. Maybe you’ll be like me with Kelle’s blog and sometimes go put on the playlist even when you’re not reading my blog? Or maybe you’ll dive into the Queer Fat Femme Guide To Life archives listening to my all over the place taste in music. (I lament the new MEN album is totally unsearchable on the playlist site and a lot of intensely indie stuff I like is missing, too.)

Maybe if this were real life I would decoupage a cover with a lot of glitter and cut out words and also a hand-written track listing in my terrible handwriting and you could barely tell what the songs were but it would mean so much to you.


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Also tonight I met up with my friend Silas Howard who is awesome sauce. He is doing this rad book about 90s Queer/punk activist types in San Francisco and he needs an intern (likely NYC based but he’ll consider out of towners) to help him transcribe interviews with people like Kathleen Hanna and Justin Vivian Bond. We battleshipped at the Hill Country BBQ and wrote the meat of his internship ad over some brisket. The final ad is here, if you’re interested.

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*Unless they were snobby about my music taste.

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