Bevin's Blog I'm blogging the relentless pursuit of my joy

2009-09-03

Correspondence: Online Dating for High Femmes & Lovers of Same

TO: [My profile name on OK Cupid]

FROM: [Name withheld]

RE: [No Subject]

I have seen you around before. I have a question, my ex is high femme, but other than that they are hard to find, where do i look for them? okcupid certainly does not seem to know. 😉

Dear [Name withheld]:

I totally hear you. On my end it’s hard to find dapper butches, genderqueers and FTMs who are even into high femmes on these online personal sites. Like, first and foremost, how hard is it to have a queer gender clickie box? Like, M, F or Fabulous?

My take on OK Cupid is that it is a great way to take fun quizzes and compare your results to your friends. It is also a great place for really hot fat straight or bi girls to meet cute nerdy boys who like really hot fat straight or bi girls. The amount of fat burlesque performers I know who have met boys via OK Cupid is staggering. At my part time job at Re/Dress, one of the Glamazons was lamenting the lack of datable boys in the city. I suggested she go on OK Cupid and then 3 months later she came back into the store and was happily moving along the commitment road with boyfriend she met there!

Also, I know a lot of genderqueer folks who identified as female on the site and found other genderqueer people for some genderqueer on genderqueer switchy pronoun love, which is totally awesome.

To answer your question about “where do you find high femmes” I asked around and found a lot of my friends who found love online found them through the current incarnation of butch-femme.com. Not the old matchmaker, which had its hey day in the early aughts, but the current incarnation. Either through chatrooms, forums or the photo galleries. People nowadays might want to plan to attend their Vegas Bash October 8-11th. It sounds like so much fun–imagine Vegas overrun with hot butches and femmes from all over the world! The best way to see the sin city, I think. I would totally go if I were not broke.

I performed at the Bash last year. I have never been active on the site, though I am good friends with a lot of people who are, and I found the Bash to be so welcoming and sweet. The people involved with the community there seem very invested in taking care of one another and celebrating each other’s awesomeness. This was the sense I’ve gotten in person. As with all online communities there are some trolls full of hateration on there I am sure.

In fact, I did meet someone really hot and fabulous at the Bash and had a great date with them a few months later when I went back to the Bay Area. I lament the distance.

Other than that, there is the old standby of Craig’s List. Which isn’t so bad, considering you can just do a quickie search of “queer” and “femme” and find someone or post something yourself. Since I acknowledge that as a Queer Fat Femme (and flamboyant, a burlesque performer, and confident) I’m a specialty food and not palatable to everyone, I like to post my own ads. It’s like fishing. Plus you feel less rejection when you’re in the driver’s seat. I think it’s also true for FTMs as well.

I’ve found the best Craig’s List ads work when you are more ambiguous about what you’re looking for. For me I need the people I date to be ethical smart confident good communicators who have thought about their gender and are comfortable in their skin. I prefer tattoos, good hair, over 5’5″ and at least a little chubby, but these are things that are not all necessary in one person.

Other than that, the other dating sites I’ve found (nerve.com personals, match.com, that one true love thing advertised on facebook)* have zero results. Most of the people I find to date are through dumb luck or meeting them in real life and having crushes on them for a long time and one of us ends up propositioning or whatever.

As for you, you seem really cool, dapper and hot (and I think I recognize you as well). I’m sure you’ll have no trouble. If you ever find yourself in NYC or I am in [hometown withheld] (I travel to perform a great deal) and you want to ask me on a date, I’ll definitely say yes.

xoxoxo,

Bevin

*A butch identified girl I know told me recently that she signed up for JDate personals even though she is not Jewish. She said it was because they have a section for goyim. They don’t actually, they have a section for “Not affiliated” and I feel a little complicated about infiltrating that. Glenn Marla is very confident it is for Jewish identified folks only. Any high femmes out there have any luck on J Date?

2009-07-04

Correspondence: Aqueel or Michael

I was interviewed on Charlotte Cooper’s amazing blog, Obesity Timebomb. Check it out here!

Also, Friday, July 10th is the Femmes of Power East Coast Launch Party in Atlanta, GA! Check out ME femmeceeing, my oft-mentioned BFF Rachael, Cherry Poppins from Austin, TX, the incomparable Vagina Jenkins, Ms. Stewart and Clover who were all featured in the book. There are rumors Ulrika Dahl, one of the authors, may be in attendance. It’s going to be a PARTY, so get in your car and get over there!
***********
From the myspace mailbag:

TO: Bevin
FROM: Aqueel
RE: hi

Hi, Nice profile 🙂

Just wondering, do u ever flirt with men ?
If not, would you ever flirt just for fun ?

Michael

Dear Aqueel or Michael:

First of all, thank you very much for the compliment on my myspace profile. I’m not shy to admit it took me years and a lot of websites with glaring and obnoxious blingie flash advertisements to find just the right theme that projected a high femme flourish without being hard to read. Aside from aesthetics, I really love language and have worked hard to express just exactly “Who is this Bevin Branlandingham” within the confines of the Myspace writing prompts*. Language is important, Aqueel or Michael, don’t you agree? Evolutionary psychologists have said humans know over 60,000 words. “We have all these words because we like to mate with people who caress us with language.” It’s totally true.

Of course, let’s be real, I’m not using myspace to get ass. Like a lot of people, these days I’m mostly on The Book. The interactivity of The Book means I can passive aggressively flirt with as many as 6 people at one time. And, frankly, that’s my preference. Overt flirting works for me here and there, but I am so hapless and flummoxed when I’m attracted to people often I can’t do any real cutesy flirting and people have no idea that I’m interested. It’s a struggle for me that I am trying to overcome.

Often, I do flirt just for fun, and it’s way more fun to flirt with people I’m not actually interested in. For example, my friend Glenn Marla and I flirt a lot, but he and I have a lot of good boundaries** and it’s just flirting.

IMG_1526

Through our flirting we’ve actually concocted this story about how we were once high school sweethearts at performing arts high school, and we would lie in bed and sing Madonna lyrics to one another and broke up 12 times and one of our songs was “Hungry Eyes” from Dirty Dancing. Even though Glenn is 4 years younger than I am, it’s still fun to imagine how Baby Glenn and Baby Bevin would be in love. Like the Muppet Babies but with fat queers.

So, Aqueel or Michael, to answer your question, I do flirt with men, and sometimes I do flirt for fun.

I’m not sure if there was a subtext to your question, and I’m thinking there probably was because of the smiley face. Emoticons are the building blocks of text-based flirting. So if you sent me that message to try to start something up with me, I’ll tell you now I’m at a full stop because of this quote from your myspace profile.

“I believe in me, I believe in you And you know I believe in love I believe in truth though I lie a lot.” [Emphasis mine.]

Listen up, Aqueel or Michael, I have had way too many scoundrels in the last couple of years to put up with even a second of any of this business. Scoundrels who would lie to my face and yet claim to have a big ol’ truckload of integrity and, like you, believe in truth. I recognize now that people often show you who they really are right away, you just need to learn how to look.

I asked Dan Savage in Episode 88 of the Savage Love Podcast how I could develop a bionic bullshit detector. I really think in the last year I have, and it’s saving me time and energy I’m not spending on scoundrels.

Scoundrely quote aside, the fact is that the rest of your profile isn’t that interesting. Maybe do some caressing of language and upload a few photos and you’ll have better luck in future endeavors.

*I even managed to get a code to defeat their ridiculously rigid gender binaries and sexuality misnomers. Sure, I’ll let someone call me a lesbian when it’s convenient, but ultimately I do identify as queer because I do not acknowledge a gender binary and most of the people I date don’t identify exclusively (if at all) as women.
**Good boundaries are hot.

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