Toptions. This is the idea that you have a lot of different Tops to choose from. And yes, I'm talking about Tops in a sexual way not a sartorial way, but feel free to use it that way too, especially when talking about fat friendly crop tops! Being open to Toptions means being in a mindset of abundance. I think a lot of people out there lament that they do not have a lot of Tops to choose from. Believe me, as a Femme who is Top leaning, especially when it comes to public play, I know that there are lots of Tops out there. I feel like going into any situation where you may want to play, you've got to be open to possibilities, talk to lots of folks, explore your Toptions (or bottom possibilities) and have a mindset that there are lots of people out there waiting to be explored!
It’s been awhile since I updated the Queer Lexicography here at QueerFatFemme.com and I have been employing some gems in my real life lately that might apply to yours.
Textversation. This is that tendency to use texting like IMing was back in the day. (Remember AOL Instant Messenger?) Some people are more prone to this than others, but I go back and forth. Sometimes I only want to use texting for pertinent information shares, sometimes I want a meaningful conversation to continue. Also, certain couples I know are basically always in textversation with one another when not in the same room.
“We were in textversation for a solid week and then, BAM, nothing for like four days. What happened?”
Sending the Representative. This is a gem my friend Mackenzi introduced to me about that thing that happens when folks don’t show you who they really are when you date them. A particularly hilarious story accompanies this term that involves a suitor who engaged her intern to burn some cds she could keep in her car that would make Mackenzi think the suitor had good taste in music. It’s such a gift when your beau is being authentic!
“We were really vibing but it turns out they were totally sending the representative and I don’t actually know them at all.”
Sex Vortex. See also Kissing Vortex. This occurs when you’re in the kind of chemical magic with another human that time either stands still or ceases to exist when you’re having sex or kissing. I’ve had this happen to me, where I lose track of time and space, and also where my frien was watching me make out with someone at a dance party and said, “Bev, it was like time was slowing down watching you two.”
“We were supposed to have dinner at 7:30 but we accidentally fell into a sex vortex at 6 and didn’t realize it until 8:30. Oops.”
Me and Sexpert Diana Cage at my birthday party.
DTR conversation. My BFF Spunky and I have been using this for years. DTR stands for Define The Relationship and the DTR CONVO is totally important but not something to be rushed. Being okay with ambiguity is something I’ve acquired over the years (see, why I love a date not a date), after a couple of years of really intense emotional work. But, dang, before I turned 31 I would go crazy without a DTR.
“I’m not trying to have a DTR with you but I need you to not euphemize this as ‘hanging out.'”
Speaking of, let’s talk about the euphemism “hanging out.” I “hang out” with lots of folks. Let’s say I would actually hang out with pretty much all of my facebook friends. But I only sleep with/have slept with a small number of those people. I bristle at that common euphemism because if someone says they’re hanging out with someone I don’t know if they mean just like, chilling, with a friend or if they mean they are going to be doing it.
A friend of mine recently said that about someone she was sleeping with and I said, No, be more specific and she said, “Well, this is a girl I don’t spend money on and I’m not trying to woo. What do we call that? Is that just friends with benefits?” Dear readers who know more slang than I do, is there a term out there that I’m missing? Does everyone use the term “hanging out?” What if you’re not really friends but you just do it sometimes? What if it’s like somewhere before dating? Relationships are so complicated!