What Brian Learned from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child

I have to say I feel complicated about Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child. I am utterly delighted by the show, and the title character’s lust for chicken nuggets, pink, glitter and tulle are quite dear to my heart. The fact that the family portrayed is not at all interested in class passing and are utterly at liberty on camera being themselves makes them so, in the words of Four Four, free. It also challenges notions of what is “fame” and what is “appropriate” on television. The complicated parts I feel about it are wondering if it is poverty porn? Is it creating a spectacle out of people simply because they don’t conform to what are the typically televised “standards” for Americans? I mean, compared to the Real Housewives, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child is actually a lot more loving and interesting, a show based on interesting unabashed characters versus manufactured drama and pretend wealth on Barbie bodies.

Heather likes to tell me I’m really idealistic because I still believe that television can do good things. (She said this after I talked about how much the Real Housewives does to advance women’s spirituality since they all go to psychics.) I think that a television show highlighting a working class family from rural Georgia who don’t conform to body standards is radical in its own way. I mean, Mama on that show has plenty of body shame to dish out on other fat women which I find really sad, but she’s still a fat woman on prime time television and that’s better than yet another Kardashian look-alike.

Anyway, my BFF Brian posted these brilliant recaps of Honey Boo Boo on his Facebook page that he has given me liberty to share with you, dear readers, in case you were wondering what you missed or, like us, are missing the weekly installments of wacky hijinks in South Georgia.

xo,

Bevin

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Me and Brian on his birthday. Our friendship just turned 12!

Last night, Arnie and I sat down to watch the premier of this program. We had a houseguest from China. We baked pasta and poured pinot noir. I learned a lot. These are the top 10 things I learned.

1) A vagina is more properly known as a biscuit. This is becuase vaginas flake open like a really well made biscuit. Like the kind you get at Hardees.

2) When searching for a family home, don’t look for one that is merely near the rail road tracks. Look for one that has freight trains constantly roaring through on an easement you’ve granted the rail road across your lawn.

3) In some parts of Georgia, black men get the confederate flag painted onto their chests and drape themselves in an Ol’ Dixie the size of a bed sheet at sporting events.

4) In some parts of Georgia, bobbing for pigs feet and belly flopping in a puddle of mud are considered sport equivalent to the Olympic Games.

5) You can never have enough living room furniture on which to display pallet after pallet of toilet paper.

6) The best way to lose weight is to fart 12 to 15 times per day, while passing around a bucket of cheese balls. This is because it is a fact that farting 12-15 times per day is a sign of good health.

7) If something like one in three hundred people who swim in a local stagnant pond will contract the flesh eathing bacteria known to be living the local stagnant pond, these are acceptable odds.

8) It is acceptable to refer to your teen daugher as “Chubbs.”

9) Most often, when one excuses oneself from the dinner table, it is because one has to make a poo poo. If you are a “what you see is what you get” kind of person, the intent to go make a poo poo should be announced when leaving the table in the middle of the meal.

10) The only way to avoid having nasty hair is to always wash it in the kitchen sink. Use a stool if necessary.

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Last night, was another episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child. I learned a lot. These are the top ten things I learned.

1) Extreme couponing is even better than sex; it’s like doing your crack rock. And if you’re doing it right it takes an hour and a half to get through the checkout line.

2) If you are an adult standing up in a shopping cart, you may fall and take out and end cap.

3) The best place to pick wax out of your ears? The dining room table.

4) If you put a teacup piggy with on the dining room table, it will shit on the table where you eat. This is hilarious!

5) How to have a good time on the weekends: Find the carcass of a deer that has been hit by a car lying on the side of the road. Grind up the deer and put it in the freezer for later eating. Good times.

6) A redneck waterslide can be made from a tarp, a hose, and a bottle of baby oil. It may be a little messy, but God made the dirt and the dirt don’t hurt.

7) Elvis helps Santa Claus make toys.

8) If you and your baby daddy are on an anniversary date, romance is in order. Here are some romantic things you can do. Use a fork, just this one time. Eating with your hands is for all the other days. Feed your baby daddy jell-o off your spoon. Sexy and jiggly both. Give your baby mamma a gift. Wrap up a 40 pound, bronze statue of a deer, no need to box it, and reference your road kill weekends as reason a deer statue is meaningful.

9) Common law spouses are more properly known as “Shack-‘em-up mates.”

10) If there is no sign posted at your business explicitly forbidding pigs, then it is assumed that pigs are allowed in your dress shop.
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I just watched the latest episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I learned some stuff. These are the top ten things I learned.

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1. Summers are hot.

2. In some parts of Georgia, goods can be obtained at the Kuntry Stoe

3. Practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice make perfect.

4. Pets like to be fed. This is annoying. Therefore it’s ok to rip a child’s pet out of her arms and give it back to the breeder.

5. It is a good idea to put you 6 year old on a four wheeler especially after getting a good laugh when Crazy Tony gets crushed underneath his.

6. Mama does not like to be thrown in the mud because she can’t get out.

7. Best place to trim toenails is in Mama’s bed. Trimmings should be left behind in the sheets.

8. Mama thinks Sugar Bear should wear his Santa suit to bed in July because it is “smexy.”

9. When having contractions, best not to pee so you don’t have your baby in the toilet.

10. The later stages of pregnancy hurt your biscuit.

***

I just watched the latest episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I learned some stuff. This is what I learned:

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– New babies smell like poop.

– Cream cheese tastes great straight from the container. Even better when it’s licked from your fingers.

– At water parks folks let their vajiggle-jaggle hang out out.

– If you never remove your socks on account of one time your foot got run over by a forklift and now your toes are mildly deformed, insects will NEST IN YOUR FLESH.

– Spray tan is like poop in a can.

– There is something called a “Rock Star Diva Pageant.”

– If you have sass judges will looooooooove you.

– If your nerves are getting the better of you while you are waiting for that gay up front to announce whether your child has won “Grand Supreme,” just lay down on the floor. Keeping your seat is neither necessary nor possible.

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Hey, you guys! I just saw the latest episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I learned some stuff. This is what I learned.

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– Shhh! It’s a Wig. Is is the name of a place.

– Wigs for children are called wiglets.

– In the summer, you can pass time by stayin’ inside and diggin’ your boogers.

– The best time to invest in a new pool is the last week of summer.

– Sugar Bear’s puttin’-together-skills ain’t that good.

– If you get two sides, then why can’t the sides be meat? This is the eternal question.

– There ain’t no helpin’ crazy.

– In Georgia, the “Department Store” is a dumpster in a field. You can get there via four wheeler and they have very good prices.

***

I watched the latest episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, you guys. I learned some stuff. This is what I learned.

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– The Bam Bam look is when you don’t wear shoes to go shopping at the gas station mini-mart.

– Each roller skate must be put on the correct foot. Otherwise wearing them is uncomfortable.

– Your baby does not come out of your butt. It comes out of your biscuit. But a woman will ew herself before she has a a baby.

– Do not piss on mama’s couch. Do. Not.

– Recipe for lemonade: take five pounds of sugar and add 2 gallons of lemon juice. This is because the secret to good lemonade is a lot of sugar and a lot of lemon juice.

– What’s for dinner? Butter, sketti, and ketchup.

– It’s been a while since Alana done had road kill in her belly. This is because the deer ain’t migrating like they used to.

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The recipe for sketti. It’s actually really good, in case you are out of pasta sauce at your house.

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Hey, you guys! I saw tonight’s episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I learned stuff. This is what I learned.

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-Supermodels look like they are undergoing electroshock.

-Mama don’t wear no makeup. Period.

-A good way to earn money if you’re impoverished is to play bingo.

-Bingo is a sport. But couponin’ is mama’s all time favorite sport.

-Miss Georgia 2011 is that tall in real life.

-If Alana can’t talk with her mouth full, when is she gonna talk?

-Miss Georgia 2011 never thought she’d say “fart” on camera, but that was before she met Honey Boo Boo, so…

-Perfect gifts for a 7 year old on her birthday: Hot sauce, soap, and cereal bars.

-Forklift foot and gravity sometimes conspire to prevent Mama from enjoying inflatable water slides.

-One more thing. Look it up yourself. #booboosneeze

Next week is the family sized season finale.

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Hey, you guys. I saw the season finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo tonight. This is a photo of Alana’s reaction to being told she may want to avoid chicken nuggets.

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I learned a few final things over the course of this family sized episode. This is what I learned.

-Good place for a family portrait? Under an overpass.

-Sugar bear is not the dress up type. Unlessen it’s a funeral.

-Baby Kaitlin arrived on the Biscuit Express.

-Baby’s don’t smell bad like raunchy biscuit bad. More like formula bad.

-Eleven fingered babies remind Sugar Bear of Swiss Army Knives.

-Chubbs may not be an animal person.

-If you have to choose between going to a pageant and attending the birth of a youngin’, remember that the youngin’ will be born only once. You can’t take that back.

-Alana to gnats: Move to Africa. I’ll help you pack your stuff.

-Says Mama, “I raise my kids to be who they are. You can like us or love us. ” And she’s right. Those are the only choices.

-Alana has chicken nugget power.

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