Sleeper Crush: Similar to a sleeper agent, a sleeper crush is someone who has a crush on you that you don’t know about. I know from later confessions there were lots of people who had sleeper crushes on me when I was a teenager (haaaaay, girl scout camp) that I was oblivious about. Sadly, I knew not how to smoke out the sleeper crushes so I was unable to take advantage of the possexibilities* (haaaaay, late bloomer).
The invention of social networking, and especially Facebook has made having a sleeper crush much easier. With no way of effectively tracking the stats of who looks at your profile on the daily, how will we ever know who has a sleeper crush on us?
Sometimes a sleeper crush manifests for you when you’re monogs with someone else. In that case I just call it “bookmarking” someone for later, putting the sleeper crush to bed until you have room in your heart/relationship negotiation for someone else.
“This dry spell is out of control. I wonder if there are any sleeper crushes on my Facebook who want to take me out for some date steak.**”
Going Out of Business Sale: My friend Jessie Dress declared this term during a skype date the other day. This is when someone moves away and suddenly they are the hottest queer in town. Seriously, it happens so often. Move away, broadcast it, and you’d be amazed at how it really gets people spurred to action. There’s something exhilarating about only getting a chance to do it for a few weeks/days.
Beware, though. I had a friend meet her love during her Going Out of Business Sale and then they had a complicated, sad parting and then moving across the country to join her 3 months later thing. But it’s all happy ending, they’re still together.
“If I declare a Going Out of Business Sale will it smoke out the sleeper crushes in my queer community?”
Sophie just moved across the country (the most recent of four friends in my immediate social circle who moved out to the Bay from Brooklyn) but I don’t know that she actually had a Going Out of Business Sale. I just miss her.
Lesbian Tea Basket with me and Jessie Dress!
Making Bad Decisions: In the spirit of sparkling hard in 2011, I am now totally into using “bad decisions” as a euphemism for lots of things relating to making mischief–going out and drinking too much, being too loud, late night texting “Where are you we are having soooo much fun! You should be here!”, going after a red flag waving queer.***
I am so drawn to making bad decisions lately! It’s not like I am turning into a wild woman (I’m a party promoter who hardly drinks at her own parties) but I am loosening my tight grip on behavior and just having fun this year.
“I went way out of my way to walk to Heather’s house at 11PM on a Wednesday to try to get her to go make bad decisions with me at Metropolitan Bar.”
Bluetool: My BFF Brian brought this to my attention. This is when someone using a bluetooth device appears to be talking to themselves. Also anyone who is wearing a bluetooth device as an accessory. Bluetooth devices are not earcuffs. They are for function not for fashion.
“The other day during my wait for tasty brunch at the Morning Glory I passed the time watching a bluetool with bad hair walking back and forth and looking cray.”
Brian and I toasting sausages on sticks at the sheep & wool festival. Brian is a self-proclaimed bluetool.
Bluetool, put that thing away you’re on a date!
*Nod to the ever fabulous Femmes Guide to the Universe.
**Date steak: Steak bought for you on a date. That you don’t have to pay for and then you follow up with a good make out or some sex. See also, Steak and Blow Job Day.
***Note: I am doing well not going after any red flag wavers for the moment. A departure from my history treating red flags like air traffic control. However, I am totally counseling friends to just walk eyes wide open into big red flaggy situations. 2011… fuck it! At least when you see the red flags coming it won’t surprise you when they act all red flaggy, doing the things the red flag queers do.
Liz was fat, too. Not just sort of in between fat, either, like my mom and other female relatives were at the time (though now, of course, most of them are around my size). She was short and round, with a round face, black curly hair and a mouth that was always smiling. She was half Italian half Mexican and very girly.
The first time we met, Liz was ready to be a huge part of my life. I was mistrustful and didn't understand why she loved me so much already. I was used to adults liking me, since as an only child I learned to socialize well with grown-ups and I was very bright. But the way she just immediately loved me, in that I-loved-you-before-I-knew-you way that parents talk about felt so weird. As I continued into adolescence and hated myself more and more, the more suspicious I was of her unconditional love.
If you read my definition of Femme Date, I say "In this context I mean it as a platonic event that is ultimately constructed as a romantic date is, but without the bumbling, attraction questions or all of the other baggage of a regular date. It’s specifically designed for Femme bonding time." Femme Dates are all about not being romantic dates. NOT TO THE EXCLUSION OF FEMMES DATING.
Here's the thing--if two Femmes go on a romantic date, it's called a DATE. Just like if a Butch and a Butch go on a romantic date, or a Genderqueer and a Femme or whatever. Two Femmes going on a date is a date that, of course, increases the FOFA (god that's such a great acronym) in the world, and, according to Cherry Poppins, when two Femmes do it they produce glitter that comes out of nowhere. It happened to her and her ladyfriend and they were very thrilled.
I have the following updates to the Queer Lexicography to present unto you.
The first, courtesy of Zuleikha Mahmood, co-founder of the Femme Sharks.
Critically underbanged. It's a great alternative to the term "dry spell" but can also be used to describe Lesbian Bed Death and any really unsatisfying sex. She used it in a craig's list ad of all places, to request that someone help her protest her state of being. It worked, too, she totally found her recent boo from it and is now contentedly well-banged.