Take it from someone whose routine trip to the GYN turned into a kerfuffle of mis[fat]diagnosis--when a doctor is supposed to be treating you for something and launches into the fat talk you can politely tell them "I am not here to discuss my weight with you. I am here to discuss my bits, my HIV status and whether I am at risk for cancers." I like to have a mantra to prepare ahead of time.
November 1 came and went without any fanfare from me, but I remembered yesterday that it was the two year anniversary of my sudden singlehood. It’s been an incredible journey and as painful and crazy as that time was, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. (If you want the backstory, wait for my forthcoming memoir or download Episode 2 of FemmeCast.)
In celebration of my singlehood, I’ve decided to share with you, gentle readers, some of my deepest Secret Single Behaviors. There was an episode of Sex and the City that talks about Secret Single Behaviors–those things that you do when you’re alone, because you’re single and you can get away with it.
The first one is that I often turn on QVC when I’m home alone (I have a roommate). Sure, sometimes I listen to music, but often it’s just nice to have the company. I love shopping and even though I’ve only ever bought two things from QVC in my entire life and I was engaged and shacked up at the time, I still really like their chatter. As a Femmecee, I have learned a lot about improv from the hosts on QVC.
Today’s Special Value is some sort of purse charm. I think if I were selling them I would talk about the safety factor–I know some people who have been assaulted while looking for their keys. It’s a good AND fashionable idea to have a little charm on your purse with a hook where your keys are in order to prevent the shuffle.
The second Secret Single Behavior I indulge in are meals that make no real sense and require no forward planning. I really like asparagus and I really like bacon. They are both easy to prepare. That’s probably my most common meal. Sometimes it’s broccoli or green beans. Sometimes I just have refried beans with taco sauce and cheese. Sometimes I am really scraping the barrel and use a stale piece of bread broiled with some cheese and a tomato.
This is in stark contrast to my last relationship, where we had all of these very planned out meals (planned a month ahead–we used the Saving Dinner 20 for the Freezer plan*) and leftovers for lunch the next day. Those days were nice, don’t get me wrong, I fondly recall Omaha steaks made on the grill. But getting to have meals that are entirely created from my own intuition and how I want to eat is really liberating, empowering and makes me feel really single.
The third Secret Single Behavior is what I call phone echo. Which is when I obsessively look at my phone as though I’m going to get a text, even though nothing’s coming through. In this day of text-based communication, people enact entire courtships via text and picture texts and whatnot. When I don’t have a sweetheart blowing up my phone, well, it seems like a cavern of emptiness where you can’t hear anything but an echo. Of course I get the occasional hilarious missive from a friend and the loving text reminders from my google calendar, but there’s nothing more single feeling than looking at a phone and having nothing there. And then obsessively looking again and again as though it will change.
My fourth Secret Single Behavior is probably more like Femme Realness, but I keep a self-help book for bathroom reading. It’s true. Ironically I haven’t gotten past chapter one of The Power of Focus for Women, but it’s in there for guests if they need it. I decided that magazines in the bathroom were too cluttered.
The last one I have is something I really hope I can maintain for the rest of my life. But when I go to bed, after a particularly good night out or night in, I lay there, look at the twinkly lights above my pink bed and smile in deep gratitude for the adventurous life I am blessed with.
John, if you’re out there reading this, thanks for dumping me. I’m the closest I’ve ever been to the life I’ve always wanted.
*I heartily recommend it if you have a live-in family that eats together.