This marks the third person I have known personally to pass away in the last three months, all under 46 years old. I am so shocked at how much loss my communities have experienced and grateful for how much love there is going around.
In my last post I talked a lot about the trifecta (housing, romance and career). I’m a big believer in thinking positively–and thinking big*–and in that vein I’ve been writing lists of what I’m looking for. I have articulated my career desires and my roommate/housing desires**, but let’s be honest, the romance stuff is way more fun.
A friend of mine told me that coming up with her ideal personal ad helped her to recognize the person when they came into her life. Another friend started referring to her hypothetical “First Lady” and within a few months totally manifested it.
I call the phenomenon of declaring your pie in the sky wishes for a potential date and then finding your manifested desire catching the brass ring, especially when that desire is beyond what you really thought you could get. I talked a lot about not settling for less than you want or deserve in Episode 6 of FemmeCast (The Lesbian Footwarming Syndrome). I believe really strongly that we all have brass rings available to us and we shouldn’t stop looking. As fat girls and queers, we often get stuck in a scarcity mentality that makes it difficult to imagine there is someone (or more than one someone) out there that can be a head, heart, lust match a/k/a Unicorn Dick.
Of course, it is much easier to see this for other people than in your own romantic life sometimes. I always post this ad to Craig’s List when I feel a little curmudgeonly about love. More out of a way to prove to myself that I still actually have hope than a sincere desire to wade through the responses asking me to define Faggy Butch. I also almost always get several responses from people who really love the ad and think it’s great that I posted it.
June Femme seeks Johnny Butch -30- NYC
I am a glamorous, queer fat femme. A glimmer in my eye, catalyst, comforting, big hair, big heels, big eyelashes kind of girl. Remarkably soft skin but never afraid to get dirty (though I’ll take the necessary precautions to maintain the integrity of my clothes). I also kill bugs. Always overdressed social butterfly who would do anything for my friends and loves creating and building community. Marilyn Monroe crossed with Dolly Parton crossed with Miss Piggy, with a dash of Siouxsie Sioux and Ginger Spice. I have a good sex drive, identify as a switch with a default to top and fuck back with gusto. I’m always thinking up ways to delight you and I pay attention to the little things. I am the life of the party but I love a night in. Tender, nurturing, and emotionally available. I’m a good communicator but processing too much makes me yawn. I love watching butches get dressed. I am always ready for an adventure.
You should be stylish, with good hair, tattoos and in touch with your faggoty side. Appreciate your deep lez roots. Be a badass on the outside, sweet, friendly and tender on the inside. Love your community and recognize your part in it. Wherever you land on the transmasculine spectrum, have thought about it and be comfortable and confident in your skin. Think on your feet, be smart, articulate, funny and easygoing. Make art a priority. Make passion a priority. Be charming but genuine. Love animals, I’ve got three. Don’t embarrass easily. Be committed to ever learning, growing and evolving. Have a hearty appetite and sex drive. See fat and queer as lived identities. Communicate well and be emotionally available. Jump into the party with both feet.
We will love ourselves first. We don’t hold back but know there’s no rush. We are a dynamic duo. We rock our own shit but look great together. We close down bars and go for daybreak walks. We spend long Sundays in bed, talking, fucking and napping. We brunch with friends. Long talks about gender, sexuality, gossip, celebrity, art, media, social justice, movies, 80s nostalgic kitsch and how to incorporate 50s retro style in a modern decor. Romantic, dynamic and passionate. We prioritize our development, friendships and community. We travel. We create. Basically, June Carter and Johnny Cash with a little less Jesus and pills.
My latest dinner party question, among my single friends, is to ask them to articulate for me their brass ring. As a born matchmaker, I am definitely looking to use my networking powers for good.
Wherever you are right now reading this post, I think you should pull out an old receipt, pull up a simple text editor, whatever, and start writing your brass ring list. What are you looking for? Who would your pie in the sky date be?
*Thinking Big is actually an upcoming FemmeCast episode theme highlighting queer entrepreneurs, community organizers and artists.
**And so far the craig’s list response has been downright creepy–here’s hoping my personal networking yields someone magical so I don’t end up momentarily homeless and living in Muse’s guest room.