Summer always starts so suddenly, like she throws you up against a wall and gets you all flustered, making you forget your own wardrobe. That you do, in fact, own 90 degree weather appropriate fare, except you begin scrambling. Before the Trans Women Belong Here dance party (we made $379!) last week it was so incredibly hot I tried a new outfit three times and ended up wearing this dress I've owned for at least five years. I've learned that once I try three unsuccessful permutations of a new outfit it is not happening I need to go with a tried and true favorite. Same thing happened with my hair, I had an idea in my head of what I wanted it to look like but after three attempts I just did my femmepadour and called it a night.
My roommate and I are having major apartment drama that involves a lot of work being done and the living of our lives out of bags and in a maze of our stuff. The second of the service technicians came to visit yesterday to help rectify the problem (fingers crossed).
He was a sweet man from Mexico, named Luis. He was flirtatious and asked me about my tattoo and said he wanted one. Asked me if I had a boyfriend. I replied in my way, Oh, no, I don’t. and followed up with my fictional girlfriend. I find having a fictional girlfriend lets people know you’re not interested without making them feel bad.
He chatted me up about my fictional girlfriend and we talked about a couple I know of who do the international distance from Mexico City to Brooklyn. He commented, “There must be a lot of love there!” And he flirted with me some more (apparently I look about 23 years old–no kidding he says) and I responded, “Oh Luis, if I weren’t a lesbian I’d have such a crush on you.” He then told me about his daughter who is a lesbian.
She’s in her mid-twenties and he said, “I just love her so much but I feel like I failed as a father.”
I talked to him about a lot of stuff. About how it’s a testament to how good of a father he was that she loved him enough to be honest and not hide from him. About how she probably wants all the same stuff he wants for herself (to be happy, to have a family, to be proud of who she is). And about how the best thing he can do as a father is to love her unconditionally and be open to changing his mind about things in order to love her.
He said, “I don’t know why I feel like I can tell you all this stuff–I’ve never told anyone about her, not even my brothers.” I said I’m just the kind of person people trust.
He said a couple of funny things, which was that now he can’t watch his favorite kind of porn because it’s lesbians and he thinks of his daughter and he doesn’t want to be reminded of her during those moments. I said, Luis, you have to know lesbian sex is nothing like in those movies. They are nothing at all like the sex your daughter has. It’s seriously so much different.
When prodded as to how, I said, Well, first, take a look at those nails and think of how sensitive your backdoor area [here I make a sweeping gesture to my bottom] is. Imagine how it would feel to have those nails anywhere near your parts. And also, Luis, I bet you are really good in bed–nothing that those girls do would please each other. You know that.
And he said, “Yeah. You know, I always think girls who have sex with girls probably are better with each other in bed. Because they understand each others’ bodies.”
That’s true. But what’s more true is that when people are really honest with themselves and their partners about who they are and who they love, that’s getting you so much closer to being true to yourself. The kind of lover who knows themselves, knows their body and knows what to ask for is a good lover. So gays and lesbians have an advantage in that they already had to be honest enough with themselves to say who they love, so they are already have the skill set to be better in bed.
“So how did you know that you were gay?”
Oh, well, I never even knew that there were gay people until I was 14. And then when I knew that they existed it made so much sense how I was feeling.
He also asked if I’d ever done it to a man, to which I said no because I wasn’t going to get into gender. I also sidestepped his comment about him being glad his daughters didn’t dress like a man. It’s about baby steps in intervention.
He was so sweet and talked about his daughter and how she gave him a plasma screen tv and a surround sound system for his basement theater (his dream) this Christmas. I told him to go home and call her and tell her how much he loves her. And to never be ashamed of her because him showing other people how much he loves her because she is being honest about who she is will help other people whose daughters are also lesbian.
I signed his form and he thanked me and I have to say this has been my absolute favorite moment in this hellacious apartment debacle. I hope that I helped him understand a little bit more about gays and lesbians and I hope that he’s still able to watch porn that he enjoys. It’s all about good boundaries. I reminded him. I don’t think about my mom* when I watch the Crash Pad series! ::Shudder::
*My mom is actually a lesbian but I didn’t tell Luis that.